Bachelor in Paradise episode 13 recap: Guess who’s back?
WHILE there are definitely no more arrivals after this episode, someone comes back to stir the pot one final time. Sally Coates recaps Bachelor in Paradise episode 13.
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SO Leah is just now realising that AmJar definitely did not want to give his rose to her. “PITY ROSE?!” she screeches in her Leah-ish way that isn’t really screeching because she has the vocal equivalent of Botox. Vocal Botox.
CATCH UP ON RECENT BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAPS:
EPISODE 11: WHO’S THAT SMOOCHING?
EPISODE 10: THE MOST LIT EP YET
She’s threatening to leave again and everyone collectively yells “PLEASE LEAVE” with extreme exasperation. But this time she’s got the rose and if I was there I’d just dive head first into that bottomless pit of pina coladas and soak it all up.
Meanwhile, AmJar is desperately trying to get back into Rachael’s good books (which I don’t think he should have to — she accepted another dude’s rose so he had to last resort Leah), when a date card comes. It’s for Thomas. AmJar, time to make a trip to Bunnings, grab a hammer and some nails, jump in your coffin and ask someone to nail it.
I’m very much hoping Thomas will say “Sammy, Pink Boi, Apowlo — round two?!” but he goes Rachael.
They go play love golf, the idea is to get it in the hole AYOOO. At this point Rachael’s laugh is like nails down a chalkboard for me. She laughs like a fat, jolly billionaire would after he demands the jester do one more trick. She’s back on her aggressive flirting too.
At one point he tries to do the cutesy “all in the hips” move and she elbows him in the ribs and tells him to f**k right off. Boys like that right? Despite all this, the date goes very well and they smooch, aggressively. There’s hope yet.
Meanwhile, Elora has placed Crazy Eyes firmly in the friendzone. “He’s like a really chill girlfriend, there is NOTHING there,” she says.
Which is of course followed by Crazy Eyes confidently tell producers “I love her. I love her and she loves me and we’re going to make babies! Lots and lots of babies!” I’m paraphrasing, of course. Even after Jake tells Crazy Eyes he’s firmly in the friendzone, he won’t accept it.
Then Osh rocks up to let everyone know this will be the final week, because they are running out of alcohol and the pool filter is clogged with semen.
But first, a previous contestant with unfinished business will swing by. It’s our beautiful Dartch lunatic Flo, and she mad. While, yes, she did get majorly screwed over by Jake when he picked Megan over her, I gotta say he’s earned his stripes from then on. Ooh did he make my blood boil. Flo is, shall I say, not quite over the whole thing. And by that I mean she literally said she’s keen to make Jake’s life a living hell.
Wonderful. Jake is very nervous and Flo turning up is the physical embodiment of consequences.
It goes from day to night and Flo is ranting and raving about Jake, I mean I know there’s plenty of editing going on but multiple people, multiple places — Jake Jake Jake! It’s like when Sideshow Bob is completely obsessed with Bart on the Simpsons. But this feels more murdery.
But wait, there’s another date card! Oh my it’d be excellent if they forced Jake and Flo to go on a date. They’ve done more torturous things. But even better, it’s for Tarz. She’s so excited STILL to go on dates with Sammy even though they’re together all day every day. Love you guys!
They go to this ridiculous boy/girl Bollywood dancing and if anyone’s going to get right into it it’s these two. Sammy can’t keep his eyes off our girl. Says seeing her happy is all he needs and AWW STOP.
Elora has clearly been avoiding the Crazy Eyes situation and so after some prompting from producers, decides to lay it all out. Eden has been in minimum security friendzone, but now it’s time to notch it up to maximum security.
She takes a rolled up newspaper and smacks him over the nose. “NO,” she says sternly, pointing her finger. “NO ROMANCE,” and smacks him again. He whimpers and runs away. And that’s how we got rid Of Crazy Eyes. No, seriously. He leaves. “What did I do to deserve this?!” he says, incredulously. Well let’s see. You only picked Elora ‘cause you thought she’d put out, when she didn’t you covered her in tzatziki and then you emotionally scarred her by leaving a fake love letter in her room. That’s what.
Back to a couple that don’t make me physically ill, Sammy and Tarz are still so loved up. If it was anyone else the things they’re saying would indeed be inducing some queasiness but it’s them! “I don’t see an end for Tara and me,” Sammy says. Then, they exchange ILYs!! I’m not sure they’ve done this yet? It’s super cute, they’re totes the ones getting engaged.
Meanwhile Flo is still rampaging around the island and it’s super awkward so Jake decides to clear the air like a madman. There’s one week to go bro, just avoid her! Hook into the daiquiris and hide! This is how I solve most of my problems. She’s not-so-secretly stoked when he asks her for a chat and locates an area with nothing throwable close by.
That “chat” is mostly her furiously yelling at him, which is admittedly quite fun for me, but they come good. I’m personally not sure what they actually resolved but they seem cool.
Guess who’s back, it’s OSHAAAR! He tells the gang that Flo was indeed the last arrival, so of course, Leah threatens to leave.
Everyone yells “OH MY GOD JUST GO ALREADY!” She thinks by leaving now she’s quitting while she’s ahead and oh, honey no. At no point have you been ahead here. She wheels her suitcase out to where everyone’s hanging and I half expect it to topple over and reveal its emptiness. She gives a speech about how she’s leaving, expecting everyone to say “NO DARL PARADISE WON’T BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU PLEASE STAY!!” but like clockwork, everyone pleads for her to go.
And she does.
MORE BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAPS:
EPISODE 11: WHO’S THAT SMOOCHING?
EPISODE 10: THE MOST LIT EP YET
EPISODE 9: CATFIGHT OVER MAGIC MAN
EPISODE 7: WOMEN ARE CRAY CRAY
EPISODE 4: JAKE DODGES A GLASS
EPISODE 3: TARA FALLS HEAD OVER HEELS
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