Bachelor in Paradise has begun and holy dooley we’re in for it
BACHELOR in Paradise has begun and if you want to feel better about the state of your love life just have a look at this hot mess. Oh also we explain WTF Bachelor in Paradise is. Sally Coates recaps episode one.
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I SAW something on the internet once that said “Imagine going to university to study journalism only to wind up writing reality television recaps.”
Well just so you know, this isn’t just reality television, this is Bachelor in Paradise. It’s like reality TV on steroids.
The concept takes Bachelor and Bachelorette failures — ahem, I mean “alumni” — and sticks ‘em on an island together.
It’s new Australian territory and I’m cocking my leg and claiming it as my own.
I have high hopes it’s going to be incredible, and that instinct is confirmed by Osher’s four for $20 Lowes Hawaiian shirt.
He talks about love and heartbreak in Fiji like anyone is actually there for love and not just access to a bottomless pit of pina coladas.
And that suspicion is only confirmed when bloody legend Tara arrives and says “Aw, nah, not really keen on anyone to be honest mate, just here for the bottomless pina coladas,” or something to that effect.
I think she’s been making side cash in a kebab shop between her season of The Bachelor with Matty J and now, because she’s said “SIICK” and “HECTIKK” about 20 times.
Second arrival; you know how sometimes we exaggerate our abilities in certain areas but it’s fine because a) often nobody can disprove it and b) people forget almost immediately and c) it’s usually about pretty minor stuff.
This is that guy who said he was a Socceroo when in reality he was a janitor at the MCG who found an old jersey in a bin.
He seems nice though. All the years of professional football hasn’t gone to his head.
Two more uneventful arrivals later four of them are chilling and Tara’s like “I loike this crew, I hope it stays like this,” as if she has no idea how the show actually works.
Cue dramatic music and three weird close ups of different types of birds.
Oh God, they’re letting birds on the show. The right wing warned us this would happen if we let the gays marry! Just kidding, it’s Leah.
Wait, Leah … BRING BACK THE BIRDS.
Even for a manufactured villain this chick was pretty bad.
She was on Matty J’s season too. I think she’s trying to be controversial when she says she hopes the guys here are more entertaining than Matty J but we all hope that girl.
That’s a popular opinion.
A dude called Davey arrives and I don’t really remember him but in his promo package he says he was the idiot drunk guy in Sam Frost’s season and he wants people to know he’s more than just a drunk idiot and y’know Davey same. I like him.
Some dude called Brett arrives and someone in the background goes “Who’s that?”
It might have been Leah.
Or it might have been all of Australia.
Tara greets him enthusiastically like she’s reuniting with an old mate. “Yeah I know Brett! (btw his name is Brett) He’s dating my friend!”
Say that again Tarz, slowly this time. Yeah. What?
Nina from Sam Woods’ season turns up.
She’s all like “I broke the world record for longest televised kiss.”
OK show off. Once a guy looked me in the eyes, frowned, said “I’m going to stick my tongue down your throat now,” and then did it. But you don’t see me bragging.
I’ve also just realised this island is more like attack of the clones.
Every dude is a weird replica of the next one, slowly descending in attractiveness.
So Davey is not wasting ANY time and asks Leah if she’d like to go sit in a hammock because she’s sexy and that’s the look he’s into.
I’m into the “fourth generation of inbreeding” look but we all have our things I guess. I get the feeling Davey is playing strategic because — OH MY GOD I am so bad at this I haven’t even explained the kicker.
Instead of one person giving out roses, everyone has a rose to give out.
So the first ceremony all the girls give the boys a rose, anyone who doesn’t get a rose is booted.
Then the next ceremony all the boys will have a rose to give out, any girl without a rose is booted.
Kinda like the worst part of primary school when people had to pick teams and you’re always last because you have a history of sticking the ball under your shirt and pretending you’re pregnant. Whatever.
So yeah, Davey wants that rose.
For love, obviously.
Until, Florence aka Flo rocks up.
The Dutch chick who says her Dutchness was milked on Matty J’s season but then pronounces other as “udder” so maybe that’s just what they thought she wanted.
She wants Davey and Davey wants her. Leah is so screwed. He immediately takes her away and it’s clear he is not mucking around.
Jake Ellis is here and he labels himself the nice guy from Georgia Love’s season. The fact they’ve included that leads me to believe …. he’s not going to be a nice guy in paradise.
He wants Flo too. They have history. It’s ambiguous and me wanty. Give me the backstory!
She very reluctantly admits they have chemistry but gives off a vibe that says it wasn’t sparks and exciting science stuff. More like a failed experiment that resulted in a bit of goop staining her shoe.
Osher does ANOTHER intro where he checks everyone’s single, which seems like it should have probably been checked already but what do I know?
Guy who’s definitely not single raises a limp hand; cut to producers asking him about his relationship status and it kinda sounds like he dumped his girlfriend to be on this show.
Seriously, why does anyone question whether these people are REALLY here to find love? It’s unfair and I won’t stand for it.
Cut back to Osher saying “You’re all here to find love …” UM NAH OSH DIDN’T YOU JUST HEAR THIS GUY SAY HE DELIBERATELY DITCHED LOVE TO COME ON THIS SHOW???
He explains that date cards are still in play and people who get the date card get to choose who they take.
We set the bar so low with the whole “20 people sharing one boyfriend or girlfriend” thing that choice now seems like a massive luxury.
Davey’s sitting next to Flo, begging for her rose at the end of the day.
He’s definitely a dirty lil player but he’s adorable and Flo is so into him. Jake on the other hand has put all his eggs in one basket. Or all his milk in one bucket.
He might be in trubs. Despite treating the whole day like a series of single dates Davey gets the first date card and obviously picks …
LEAH.
WHAT THE EFF.
Flo is PISSED. I’d be very fearful of my udders if I were the next cow in her milk line (have I totally misinterpreted that analogy? Idk).
Davey’s reasoning is Jake likes Flo and ya don’t dog the boys.
But ironically while he is on his stupendously awful date with Leah — who has decided she doesn’t even like him — Flo and Jake have a blow-up.
Tara, also from the Gold Coast, has full on outed him as a man whore.
Which on the Gold Coast is obviously not unusual but Flo isn’t from the Gold Coast, she’s from *insert whatever country Dutch people are from here* so she’s double pissed.
She confronts him and he flips out and demands she reveal her source, which just screams innocence. They argue about urination, it’s a very negative interaction.
So now Flo doesn’t want Jake, Leah doesn’t want Davey, Flo doesn’t want Davey, Jake is, well, Jake — everyone’s kooked it completely.
It’s a new day and OH MY GOD GUYS SO MUCH DRAMA HOW COULD THE DRAMA POSSIBLY INCREASE ANY — *thunder* *distant cries of “RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIVES”*. Keira.
She grabs her chest and makes a comment about paradise coming at a good time.
Either she got a boob job or she’s due for a Dutch milking.
She won’t do Davey cause he’s short and won’t do Socceroo cause he’s got veneers — I honestly vibe with this level of pickiness.
Wait ‘til she sees how close together “definitely not single” guy’s eyes are.
But in a stranger freaking twist Keira loves Jarrod! JARROD. JAR-ROD! PINK BOY.
Jake, really making a gallant effort to ditch this awful reputation he has, makes a beeline for Keira. Keira says “we could make a really great team”, hi fives him and again — ROMAAANCE!
You’d think, after that, Jake would pick Keira with the DATE CARD HE JUST GOT.
In a typical bro-ey douche move he decides he needs to go for a walk with DA BOYS — not-single-close-eyes and Davey — mojito in hand, to discuss his dilemma.
“I don’t wanna leave paradise,” he freely admits.
Jake is totally here for the right reasons guys.
Davey reminds Jake that he didn’t choose Flo for his single date ‘cause DON’T DOG THE BOYS.
Then while Davey is apologising to Flo, Jake interrupts mid-conversation and through a spitty, chewed up straw says “doyawannagoonadate?”
HE DOGS THE BOYS. Flo says yes.
Davey literally says out loud “Well that was controversial,” and uh yeah. ‘Til next time.
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