Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Crappy decisions and a crappy date

AFTER last night’s despicable doggeth of da boys, the proverbial s**t hits the fan while two other lovers cover themselves in it. Sally Coates recaps episode 2 of Bachelor in Paradise.

YESTERDAY Australia was rocked by two things: the fact that the Australian cricket team thought nobody would notice a strip of yellow tape on a maroon cricket ball, and Jake’s HEKTIK dogging of Davey Lloyd, as Tara would say.

READ SALLY’S FIRST BACH RECAP HERE

The episode ended with Jake asking Flo on a single date — although “asking” is a far cry. He barely muttered the words, then when she agreed he said “c’mon then” like she was a beautiful Dutch dog being taken out for a wee.

Say what you will, I still don’t think #tapegate was as bad as #jakegate (AP Photo/Halden Krog)

The extreme dog act comes after Davey purposely didn’t choose Flo for his single date out of respect for his (former I assume?) mate Jake.

Which brings us to now.

I’m pretty sure Davey is about to unleash the beast and go on a violent rampage, which isn’t helped by Keira absolutely foot in mouthing it, saying through fits of laughter “Ohh that’s so funny, you’ve totally ruined everything!” Davey’s developed an eye twitch.

“Well gosh darn it I seem to still be in quite the bind!”

Jake and Flo are walking through the rainforest and I’m kinda hoping Flo has only said yes to Jake’s eloquent proposal in order to tie him up and leave him to waste away in this Fijian lushness. OK that’s a bit dramatic but I honestly can’t figure out why she said yes? The last chat they had was almost word for word “So on the Gold Coast you have a wetter and wilder reputation than Wet’n’Wild. And higher patronage too.” Their walk is interspersed with very complex symbolic shots of snakes in trees. JAKE THE SNAKE.

JAKE THE SNAKE.

Back to the island Davey is still fuming and I’m getting a little sick of this storyline already. I think Davey is sweet though because Flo and Jake’s date sucks. So bad.

Actual dialogue: “Thanks for inviting me on this date.” “That’s OK, thanks for saying yes.” “I don’t know what to talk about.”

The gushing waterfall and champagne cork popping suddenly is reminding Jake of home. It’s boring, I’m bored. He’s really pulling out all the stops though, he just said “I could have taken anyone on this date but I chose you,” and oh my word! I’m swept off my feet! So I can’t even imagine how taken Flo must be! A croc jumps out of the water and swallows Jake whole. The end. Glad that’s done.

“I swear this never happens to me.”

Everyone back on the island is huddled around one daybed in a totally not staged manner, apart from Nina and some dude who annoyed me so I didn’t mention him in the first recap. They’re spooning in broad daylight and a small bit of bile creeps up my throat.

Things are getting WILD on this island guys. WILD!!!!!!!!!!!

They’re all expressing how uncool it would be if another dude rocked up because honestly the girls are just sick of being disappointed and the guys are already on maximum vulture mode. And then. THE CROC COMES AND EATS LUKE TOO. HE’S THRASHING, LUKE’S SCREAMING. EVERYONE’S SCREAMING.

Nah not really, but I do need some excitement. Maybe it’ll come in the form of biggest idiot to partake in any season ever: Sam Cochrane.

Sam has bad hair.

Sam is the one who told Sophie Monk he’d mentor her in music and get her career going again. Dirty ponytail. Bit ginger. Dangerously low IQ. Blake runs at him, Sam screams “THIS IS ROMANTIC” like Brick from Anchorman and that about sums him up.

Tara’s pants are almost charmed right off her body as she says “No f**ken way, he is NOT getting a rose from me,” and do I predict a little foreshadowing? Everyone’s calling him Uncle Sam and she says she’s happy for him to remain her uncle ‘cause there’s NO attraction and hopefully my instincts are wrong because ew.

Side view. Bad.

Everyone’s catching Sam up — and simultaneously me — on who’s solid: Eden and Nina, Luke and Lisa, Mack and Leah. Tara and Michael are a *shrug emoji*. They recommend he talk to Keira and Keira is well aware that she’s copping the dregs and wow if that’s not an accurate representation of the dating pool.

Sam: Plz give me rose. Sam’s hair: Plz help me.

Jake and Flo return (which is weird, my brain must have just showed me what I wanted to see back at the waterfall) and Jake has zero accountability! The same way he pretended everything was fine with Flo, he pretends everything is fine with Davey and still enraged, Davey is not having it. He straight up tells Jake they’ve all been sitting around talking smack about him and I honestly laughed out loud. He’s so brutal now, I love brutal Davey!

When your mum tells you off then tries to sit at the end of your bed and chat like everything’s cool. Everything’s not cool, mum.

Instead of facing up to his dog act, Jake wanders away yelling about how he’s the real victim here, and bounces around trying find a group that will accept him and ends up at the bar alone.

My beautiful Davey is still in with a super strong shot after Flo says she doesn’t think she wants to give Jake her rose. Elsewhere, people sit around wondering why definitely-not-single guy hasn’t made an effort with any of the girls.

MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE HE’S NOT SINGLE. None of this storyline makes any sense but Tara wants them to keep him on ‘cause his girlfriend might be coming and I’M SO CONFUSED. Just get rid of him, he’s upsetting sweet Lisa.

We are all Lisa shrug now.

Hey guys, what’s one thing happy people definitely don’t do or say? How about daily affirmations of “I am love, I am laughter, I am light”? it’s all very The Help-esque.

“You is kind, you is smart, you is a lil’ bit ridiculous but you is pretty so who care.”

You know that movie where the maids bake poop into a pie for their racist overlords? Well there are more links here than I first realised because it’s Laurina spouting those affirmations and we all know Laurina from the “dirty street pie” incident. You know, that time she baked a pie for Blake Garvey and — anyway. She’s arrived.

My notepads are COVERED in penis drawings.

She huddles with the girls and Lisa tells her “Look, there’s some really great guys here,” and they all burst out into collective, unstoppable laughter.

Sophie Monk villain aka Jafar lookalike aka Blake (not Garvey thank God) is super into Laurina and she says he was cute on Sophie’s season. He counteracts charmingly with “You didn’t think I was a d**k?” and she replies with “Yeah but I like that.”

Realising she’s just openly said she likes d**k, she scrambles for another word, choosing “cocky” instead, while Jafar jumps in with “What, d**k?” It’s fantastic. Love me a bit of d**k. Banter. D**k banter. The genitalia talk has worked! The date is his!

“This big or don’t even bother.”

They have stitched Laurina up again, holy crap I love these producers. Holy crap is coincidentally what their “date” looks like. A steaming mound of crap. They have to cover themselves in the holy crap and she’s handling it far better than I expected but only because she’s spiritual this time ‘round and mud has healing properties and liiike, it can like attract the zodiac balance of the stratospheric pressures and then drops of Jupiter will infuse with her chakra.

You thought I was kidding. I wasn’t kidding.

They’re covered in what looks like faeces, Jafar, in his nifty pooey turtleneck, kisses her and it’s only a LITTLE less uncomfortable than Alex and Richie’s chocolate bath. He’s besotted, she rates the date a 6.2/10. Not kidding.

Irresistible.

More about the dude with a girlfriend saga and Tara is still not understanding. She’s actually imploding for some reason. She’s had probably the least drama of anyone and she’s crying and running away screaming “I DON’T LOIKE IT I DON’T WANNA BE HERE. I DON’T LOIKE IT.”

I think it’s an over-reaction but I’ve had worse tantrums ‘cause someone looked at me funny so meh. Definitely-not-single is such a wanker. “Are you in a relationship?” an extremely fed up producer whose job is probably on the line for not fact checking says. “I have only been SEEING Steph for the past year. We own a house together and we have three children. Is it Facebook official? NO!” (OK I threw in the house and kids part for effect but the rest is verbatim). This is unbelievable. Where’s that croc.

If you wanna get a jump on this year’s Halloween costume, grab these accessories and go as a massive douche.

Osher has arrived to tell them all there will finally be a rose ceremony. “There will be a cocktail party before the rose ceremony so you can all get completely maggot, start fights and make poor decisions,” then he looks straight down the camera and winks. You da man Osh!

Jake steals Flo first up and he’s saying all the things he needs to say, but it’s so robotic.

It’s like when I make Siri read text messages I’ve sent to myself out loud. *Robot voice* You, look, so beautiful, Sally. I had a great day with, you. I’m becoming self-aware, I won’t read any more of this filth *end robot voice*.

Everything he’s saying and doing is so cringe.

Davey decides he’s got to pull out the big guns, because NOTHING is hotter than sheer desperation.

Within five seconds of being with Davey, Flo is cracking up. He’s scavenged some flowers from the garden. She’s laughing and smiling, she instantly seems infinitely happier with Davey.

She LOVES him. LOVES HIM.

I really don’t know what this crazy Dutch pancake is going to do.

Nina’s first; she picks Eden because obvs. Get out of here with your solidarity and happiness you a-holes. Leah’s been mackin’ on Mack despite the fact he keeps calling her Sophie and asking if she’s keen on taking up a pack a day smoking habit. Weird, not a deal breaker. Keira picks Sam, who in an elegant move is wearing his hair down for the occasion. That or his hairband was absorbed by his matted nest.

The special occasion cascade.

Lisa goes Luke. Laurina goes Blake. Tara is next, has she figured it all out yet?! SHE HAS! She chooses Socceroo and he thanks his sponsors and says “I haven’t been this happy since I scored all 26 goals in the 2007 world cup final!” Flo has been saved for last, it’s between Jake, Davey and definitely-not-single. SHE PICKS JAKE. YOU FEWWLLLL. ARE YOU FOR REAL. SHE EVEN LOOKS COMPLETELY DEVASTATED SAYING HIS NAME. It’s like off screen Osher has a sign saying “Pick Jake or …” while making a menacing knifey motion across his neck.

Ahh, young love. So pure, so sweet.

On the upside I guess this means Davey is now single, here’s hoping he’s retained that feeling of desperation. Hey trouble. Halloo.