Jake dodges a glass in Bachelor in Paradise episode 4
THERE’S begging, aggressive champagne throwing and Jarrod in a Fedora — what more could you want on a Tuesday? Sally Coates recaps episode 4 of Bachelor in Paradise
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YESTERDAY we were robbed of a rose ceremony in the third episode of Disaster Island, which means this episode will be heavy with mentions of roses.
Ready your bottle of cheap tequila and take a shot every time someone mentions roses or whenever Jake is being a douche (actually don’t do the second one, you WILL die of alcohol poisoning).
And what do you know, the very first scene is Jake being a douche. He lies to Flo about the makeup stain on his shirt when he gets back from his date with Megan, saying it’s just from a hug (it isn’t).
READ RECAPS FOR EPISODE 1, 2 AND 3
Uhh bitch plz?
Anyway, I wish I could tell you things improve, but Jarrod has brought a holiday Fedora with him, which is perched on that pink head as he talks himself through his very complex love triangle with Keira and Ali.
That is, before Jake hijacks the conversation highlighting how only two days ago he was in a love triangle with Flo and Davey and now he’s in another with Flo and Megan. Eden, who I was angry with a minute ago for saying he loved Jarrod’s Fedora, completely calls out Jake repeating Flo’s opinion that he says one thing then does another and that he’s dishonest. Jake disagrees, saying he “literally” couldn’t be more open with her. May I remind you he straight up lied about kissing Megan.
Unfortunately for him, Megan does kiss and tell. She’s told Nina who tells Flo. Nina, like us all, is slightly perplexed that Jake didn’t think Flo would find out and God bless her Dutch cotton socks, Flo says: “He probably think that I have an IQ below 100 or something. He is playing me for a stupid.” She’s feeling unsafe, the poor thing, and suspects she’s off back to Deutschland (is that Dutch?).
So currently the pretty solid, safe, boring losers are Nina and Eden, Lisa and Luke, Laurina and Blake, Sam and Tara (EEK!) and Lisa is pretty certain of Mack and Leah but Mack’s eyes, heart and nether regions were all super keen on Ali last night. He’s a wildcard. Leah is confident she’ll have his rose though but is very clear in the fact she’s just using him for the rose until Socceroo realises he should be betrothed to Leah. Oh, yeah, and Ali is listening in … my spidey senses suggest she might tell Mack what’s being said.
Almost at the exact same time as Ali finishes saying Jarrod is too ugly for her and she likes Socceroo, Keira finishes saying she’s over Socceroo and wants Jarrod. So what does the universe gift us with? Jarrod asking Ali on his date right in front of Keira. They make him dance and Ali is so repulsed.
Remember how I thought Ali might tell Mack what Leah was saying about him? Well never mind that, Leah has told him straight to his incredulous face. This chick has serious balls to tell her one shot at a rose that she wants to test the waters mere hours out from the rose ceremony. But he’s expressed concerns about their “allegiance” and she gave him her rose, he has to return the favour. It’s very romantic. If Mack doesn’t choose Leah she’s brought it on herself to be perfectly honest!
Speaking of being honest, there’s more Jake/Flo/Megan stuff. Tara calls Jake an arsehole, Flo calls Jake a sociopath and now I’m happy drinking instead of rage drinking. Then, Jake’s worst nightmare, his two wenches meet. They’re all like “Oh fancy seeing you here ON THIS ISLAND WE ARE STUCK ON JAKE YOU IDIOT OF COURSE WE’RE GOING TO FIND OUT”.
Apparently Jake both told of them they’re both just “friends” to him. Friends that make out, like my ex and his tennis partner. It’s a thing. Flo confronts Jake and it must be so brutally vicious they just play disrupted seagulls (again with the birds!) and images of stormy waters *symbolism*.
Her gorgeous Dutch rage hits 10/10 and she says she throws champagne at him.
It actually sounds like she does it a lot. I have a new respect for my buff Dutch queen.
Osh rocks up and says there’ll be a rose ceremony and I actually giggled out loud at how shocked they are. Did they forget what the game is about already? Did they think they were put on the island to repopulate the earth? This is TV show! You on it! One girl is going home so let the begging begin! Flo says her bags are already packed. Keira makes this face at Mack.
Socceroo and Jarrod both want to give theirs to Ali so it just depends who’s first. I suspect Mack will jump in and choose Ali if he’s called first because she gave him one compliment and he pretty much jizzed in his pants. Then Jarrod told Keira he’s into Ali and Keira absolutely implodes — I’ve seen that cry before though. That’s a booze cry. That’s every second girl in Surfers Paradise on a Saturday night.
WHY DOESN’T HE LOVE MEEEE — then the next morning you can’t believe you wasted kebab time on crying. She’ll be right.
FINALLY rose ceremony time. Mack is first — cut to Leah saying she’s built a really strong foundation with him and yeah honey like a high-rise built on a sandbank. She says Mack’s deeper than a “pretty addition” and HAHAHA he chooses Ali. But Mack is definitely super keen to get deep, that’s no lie.
Jarrod’s pissed. He’s still believing it’s the alpha male and DAMN IT should have worn the Fedora.
Jarrod’s up. I half expect him to say Ali, and try to take her off Mack like Kanye trying to take the VMA back off T Swift. He picks Keira — WOOHOO last resort baby! Still counts!
Eden’s next, Nina, obviously. Luke picks Lisa, obviously. Socceroo is in the line-up absolutely packing it because he has no idea who to pick. Like that time he had 12 different clubs engaged in a bidding war over him and he just was so overwhelmed with choice.
Jake the Snake mutters under his breath to pick Flo, which may seem gallant but it obviously means Jake is going to pick Megan and he just wants to mess with the beautiful Dutch starfruit’s brain a little longer.
Blake’s up next and if the promos are anything to go by something happens here. HE SAYS THE WRONG NAME. He calls her Lenora and she is unimpressed. To be fair she didn’t mention “name remembering” on her vast list of prerequisites.
She should have been more specific. Holy crap this is so funny I am losing it. He didn’t even realise immediately. Someone had to say her real name for him. She takes the rose but says they’re over. It’s hilarious, Blake is so oblivious, but I predict this will solve Socceroo’s options problem — they’ll hook up next ep. Good ol' Lenora and Socceroo.
Sam picks Tara because obviously. Love you guys!
Jake is still begging Socceroo to pick Flo. I mean BEGGING. I haven’t seen him be this genuine the whole time. Not sure what Socceroo is thinking because his face is so motionless.
Sweet mother of God he chose Leah. I love that Jake didn’t get his way but I don’t love that Flo will cop the brunt.
He chooses Megan. Stupid, predictable Jake. Flo, honey, you dodged a bullet my dear. Megan actually says yes to the rose this time and Jake has pretty much now cemented his status as island wanker among the girls and guys now.
In a truly, genuinely emotional display Flo admits Jake ruined everything for her. She says he has no soul, he’s fake, cold-hearted and she hopes he can sleep tonight. Oh he will girl, coiled up in a neat, snakey pile, ready to snake another day.
Sorry to end this on a down note but wow. This show is toying with my emotions. To the point where I actually had a nightmare last night (this is a 100 per cent true story) that Jake reposted one of these recaps and made up a story that I “went for him” at a party. So that’s where I’m at people, this show is giving me nightmares. Luckily tonight I’m so drunk on tequila I probably won’t wake ‘til next week.
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