Bachelor in Paradise fave Tara falls head over heels

Bachelor in Paradise has returned and when two rejects link up, sparks absolutely bloody fly!! Plus Flo regrets picking Jake and two stage fiver clingers enter.

Who’s our girl Tara checking out? LOVE BLOSSOMS!

I KNEW Flo would regret choosing Jake the Snake over Davey Lloyd but I didn’t expect her to admit it the very next day. Yup, she’s openly admitted she regrets choosing him, partly because it’s Jake and partly because while he was like a horny dog who wouldn’t stop humping her leg the day before, and now he’s nowhere to be seen.

READ RECAPS FOR EPISODE ONE AND TWO

Literally hasn’t spoken to her. I just wanna shake that beautiful Dutch idiot but the last time I did that to a reality star I was forcefully escorted out of the races.

The men are looking significantly more relaxed this episode.

Big beautiful Lukey tells us the sitch: The penises have the roses this time around so instead of the guys being humiliatingly desperate, this time the girls get to! I would be screwed. Just today a friend asked me to come on a date with her to play the role of cock block so yeah I guess you could say I don’t think I’d have the seduction techniques to win me a rose.

Someone who could definitely use a little help is Keira, so they producers have thrown her a bone and given her a date card.

Mack pulled the card out backwards and it’s Moonlight all over again.

She picks Socceroo by whispering “YOU” in his ear and he looks genuinely terrified. Petrified. Everything about him is saying “I don’t want to do this” and I think for a moment he considers slipping into a fake coma until he’s back on the mainland.

Well roightio then!

Tara, who gave Michael her rose last night, is all like “Nah oim foine!” and whether she is is unknown, but either way she and Keira’s rose boy Uncle Sam decide to pair up as revenge rebounds and I BLOODY KNEW IT. Tarz expressed some serious disdain for Sam when he rocked up (possibly because he entered at a full sprint screaming THIS IS ROMANTIC!!!!) but they’re the same person! They’re destined. I love.

Sam covering up his LOVE BONER with a cushion. You two kill me!

Socceroo, completely oblivious to the fact he’s in the process of losing his woman, is hating this date. What he ISN’T oblivious to is the fact that he is not into Keira at all. Keira is oblivious to this fact however, despite Socceroo a) telling her she’s not the kinda girl he’d ever go for and b) gushing about Tara for 20 mins. It’s a disaster.

“If I try really, REALLY hard maybe I can just pretend you’re Tara.”

Cruelly, while Keira is on her date, pink boi Jarrod rocks up, the one person Keira actually wanted from the beginning. You might know Jarrod from coming runner up/having his heart crushed in Sophie Monk’s season, being extremely pink and gifting Sophie with a pot plant, which Blake aka Jafar proceeded to piss in. TV gold to be honest.

Jarrod: New year new me! Us: Yaayy! Jarrod: I have stubble! Us: What about the other stuff though!?

He tells the camera that everyone can expect a different Jarrod this time around and dear God I hope so, because Flo sums it up pretty wonderfully when she says “Whoever Jarrod picks better run for cover because he will glue himself to your body and never let go,” and it’s funny because it’s true.

Blake greets Jarrod with a pot plant and yeah that’s hilarious, but Jarrod doesn’t care!

He’s super proud of himself for thinking of this and it shows.

He’s cool calm collected Jarrod now and he is playing the bloody field. He has a date card for the next day so he’s going to plant a few new seeds to see who’s worthy. He grabs Lisa, he grabs Laurina — he’s flingin’ seed left right and centre!

And then, Ali rocks up. We’re reminded that she was a stage five clinger way back in the very first season and HMM do we know of any other stage fivers on the island? DO WE?? We do. Jarrod’s like WHERE DA GLUE AT!?

Ooh gurl I can’t wait to rub Clag all over your heavenly body.

Help...me...

Jake makes a beeline for her, she says she wants a genuine guy and he says “Hey, well I dogged my best mate and I’m currently dogging the girl I dogged my best mate for, so I’m probably not your guy.” Jokes, as if he’d ever be so self-aware.

Yeahh....sexy...

Everyone is super chill at the moment because there’s an even number of guys and girls, so nobody will miss out on a rose. UNTIL. Megan rocks up. You might remember Megan from telling Richie “No” at his rose ceremony (THOU DAREST TELL A MAN NO?!), then she got in a relationship with fellow contestant Tiffany. She’s openly bisexual, which means this island is an absolute buffet for her. Clever girl — wait, no, silly girl. She wants Jake. They have a bit of history SHOCK HORROR.

Megan’s face talking about Richie is my face thinking about Jake.

She’s getting a date card but in a pretty funky twist she has to pick blindly based on a “menu” of people’s character traits, but no names, so she could be picking anyone. She sees the word “motivated” and is like “Ugh no, I don’t like anyone who’s too motivated” and same to be honest. What if they want to go for 5am jogs? What if they hashtag #hustle #grind on their Instagram?????

“Hmm massive douche bag...s**t tats...snakey....whoever could this be?”

Unbelievably she picks Jake and he MUST have lied, an opinion shared by Flo who says “What did he write down?!” and don’t you whinge you beautiful Dutch idiot it’s your fault he’s here.

The official face of “WELL THERE YA BLOODY GO!”

Keira and Socceroo finally come back (it’s been AGES, he must have been dying) and he’s trembling like a leaf, he’s so shaken. He heads over to Tara immediately who’s chilling with Sam, who she now loves (I support you!). Later Ali is talking to Socceroo and says “So what do you look for in a girl” and he motions to Tara and says “exactly this”.

It’s actually super sweet but Tara, whose heart and sweaty pits belong to another, is all “new phone who dis.” They have a chat, Tara puts on the ridiculous hat Socceroo and Keira were forced to wear on their dates and it’s so funny.

“Why yes I WOULD like to discuss the oil crisis in the Middle East.”

This is a tactic I will employ in all future serious conversations. He takes it off her head because he’s having Keira PTSD and I think, slowly, realises he doesn’t really have a shot here anymore. Which, as a professional soccer player, has never happened to him before.

So Tara basically has two definite roses, Socceroo and Uncle Sam, it just depends on who gets called out first at the ceremony.

She obviously loves Sam (they have matching hair!!!!) but at least she’s being super gentle in letting Socceroo down...

Might I remind you this chick has secured two guys by literally not trying at all. The other half of the disaster date is over in the corner buttering Jarrod up with so many compliments he’s a pink, slippery, buttery baby, just lapping it all up, but because he had a five minute conversation with Ali before he’s placed himself in a “love triangle”.

“Soo I guess I’m just a massive stud now?? SOPHIE I LOVE YOU TAKE ME BACK.”

There’s also Jake stuff happening but it enrages me so much I can barely watch it let alone write about it in depth. Let’s just say I’ve got a pretty good feeling he’s going to completely f**k Flo over and I can only hope Megan is actually doing the long con, lulling him into a false sense of security and then BAM. Chooses Flo. Or something like that, I don’t know. Too angry for imagination.

They actually had a nice date. Which is annoying. But these sneaky looks give me hope.

As always, everything is a mess but there’s no rose ceremony tonight so we can delight in another whole episode of female desperation. Meanwhile, I’m locking in this cock block date, where I will be paid with a free burrito. These sexy idiots think they’re the ones living the dream but we all know who really is.