Bachelor in Paradise recap: Scary, scary men and Megan says “no” again

EPISODE six of Bachelor in Paradise and the new arrivals have taken the island to a dark, scary place but there is a light at the end of the tunnel...Sally Coates recaps.

EVERYONE is still shooketh by the Americans arrivals and c’mon guys grow up would you?

One of them is Canadian.

Since falling in love Sammy has turned into an absolute wordsmith.

He calls the new arrivals and tumultuous love triangles an “ever-changing landscape for broken hearts” and I love this kid more and more every day.

So what would piss off Jarrod more than these foreigners coming in and stealing their women?

Will anybody ever give poor Pink Boi a break?

How about an American Jarrod?

Not physically, this ‘Jared’ has a chiselled jaw and is a regular hue, but he is literally an American guy called Jared.

How excellent.

Pink Jarrod has gone full psychopath.

He says the Americans (one is Canadian!!) should get on a boat that’s full of holes and sink to the bottom of the ocean floor. So very bleak.

They told me there would be women here who liked me?

Funnily enough, everyone likes American Jared — or as I will call him “AmJar” — about the same as they like Pink Jarrod.

So not much.

He tries to take Megan on a date and she goes full Richie and is like “Aw nah … I don’t think so,” then feels a pang of pity and agrees.

It’s like when your friend tricks you into a double date and her guy is really hot but yours is disgusting so you have to go along with it because it’s your friend but you know you will not enjoy one moment.

What could possibly be better than this? Oh yes. Anything.

It’s clear nothing will happen but it’s worth it to see Jake squirm for a second.

Canadia is causing a lot of havoc. Nina and Keira are both in some gross trance.

Oh my goodness women, can you please all take note of what is happening here?

Don’t jump in so bloody quickly.

Both of these women are frothing this guy who is saying all the right things and getting super emotionally invested while Canadia is just having an absolute laugh.

He just said “They call me Geppetto ‘cause I make women my puppets”.

Keira is literally following Canadia around. It’s a bit funny.

There’s just a trail of destruction everywhere this dude is going.

Everybody is melting down.

Jarrod especially is going through the motions — he’s emotional, then he’s angry, then he cries, then he “dumps” Keira, then he paces, then he cries again, then he gets all strong independent black woman who’s got a vineyard to run, then he cries again.

It’s a rollercoaster.

Meanwhile Megan is back from the date she definitely didn’t want to go on and as much as I’d love to say she fell in love and Snakey is outta here, her instincts were right and instead of butterflies in the stomach she just felt a little queasy.

The name Jarrod is straight up bad luck hey.

If you’re pregnant right now don’t even think about naming it Jarrod.

Megan’s face most of the date.

The other Yank takes Ali on a date — which again he had no bloody right to!

Where’s Osher! Get ‘em Osh!

Ali says he’s a gentleman despite the fact that 24 hours ago she was Leah and they were dry humping like teenagers. She curls up in the foetal position and they smooch — her first smooch!

“Hey girl what’s your favourite position?” “Foetal.”

I worry though, because sweet innocent Ali will not handle being scorned.

But Grant tells the camera that nothing can come between them but I think a contractual obligation to wreak havoc might.

I can’t keep up with these crazy kids, now despite Jarrod “dumping” her, he and Keira are hooking up. It lasts for ages.

So attacky.

She necks her cocktail afterwards I assume to a) get the taste of pink out of her mouth and b) try to erase the memory.

But, the next day, Keira admits to the girls that she definitely likes Canadia more.

And look I’m clearly not team pink boi but I would literally choose to go on a date with one of the island’s many birds than get close to Canadia. He scares me.

This bird is hotter than most of the guys on the island anyway.

But Keira is not the level headed lady I am.

She forgets that she forfeited any right to privacy when she stepped foot on this island and smooches Canadia in a bungalow.

It should be hot but it’s just dirty and weird and Canadia tells her not to tell anyone ‘cause it’ll look bad and holy crap I feel sick.

And I wanna say it’s the dumbest thing she’d done this episode but seriously who brings glo-mesh on an island?

IN WHAT SITUATION DID YOU EXPECT TO REQUIRE GLO-MESH?????

Then she dumps Jarrod who’s done nothing but dote on her and talk about their connection since they kissed.

Getting dumped … on a beach in Fiji … by an outspoken blonde woman … on TV … you can’t help but get a TINY sense of deja vu ... Then Keira sighs a literal sigh of relief and says “OH I feel so much better, this feels good.”

Then Leah tells Jarrod Keira and Canadia kissed and Jarrod sees red.

And goes red.

Keira holds all the power in this episode. Yes. This woman had power.

Keira denies it though and gets angry at the group for bringing it up in front of Jarrod because it’s made him upset.

Not the kissing of the Canadian …. the bringing it up …. yeahhh OK.

Osher arrives to confirm that there WILL be a rose ceremony tonight and yet again, I honestly don’t know how it’ll go.

At the moment the only certainties are Sammy and Tarz (2getha 4eva), Luke, Megan and Jake, and Lisa and Ali and Sexy Squidward.

#NEVERFORGET

Lenora, Nina and Keira all want to give their rose to Canadia.

Because they are morons and are destined to be alone forever.

They agree that Lenora will give him her rose but he’s fair game afterwards.

He asks Keira if he makes her moist, tells Lenora he can’t keep his eyes off her and says to Nina he’d leave the island if she went home.

It’s like watching a predator slink around and strike its prey.

PREDATOR!!! SCARY SCARY PREDATOR!!!!

The guys have put together a little task force.

Eden’s taken Canadia to put the hard word on him. Sammy straight up says this:

Well said Sammy.

She’s like “Wow this must be so hard for him”.

He’s over giving Canadia murdery vibes but his bottom line is to respect Nina and you can tell he’s coming from a place of care.

And it turns out when he’s not talking to a woman or an unresponsive camera, Canadia doesn’t know how to run his mouth.

Eden giving him the scary eyes. They scary too.

He does not know what to say to Eden and our boy totally won that round.

But then off camera, Canadia mentions what a hot commodity he is. I know one of these silly girls will rose him up, it’s inevitable, but I really don’t know who’s going home.

Three lads will be sent packing.

Game time.

Leah’s first, I think she’ll go Socceroo and she does.

He seems happy. I think. Tarz picks Sammy obviously!!!

I LOVE YOU GUYS.

Lisa picks Luke, obviously.

Ali picks Grant.

Nina’s up — this will be interesting.

C’mon girl, do us proud. SHE DOES!

Next is Lenora, will she pick Canadia? She said she was going to.

SHE PICKS AMERICAN JARED!

And she actually says American Jared for fear Australian Jarrod will walk up.

Clever girl.

After last week’s name debacle she doesn’t want to make any mistakes.

Voiceover Lenora starts saying that Canadia was saying slimy disgusting things to her and it gave her the creeps.

Thank God, it surprised me he even got that far with Lenora to be honest.

This dirty boy is now a scared boy.

Canadia is now starting to crap his pants.

Two of his three certainties have picked other dudes.

But Keira is a sure thing. Isn’t she?

Megan picks Jake. Meh who cares. Now Keira has to choose between Canadia, Pink Boi, Mack and Blake.

Oh man how excellent would it be if she sent Canadia home. C’mon girl. It’s like a video game and your character has to defeat the final monster.

SHE PICKS JARROD HOLY MOLEY. OH MY GOD. CANADIA’S EYEBROWS SHOOT THROUGH THE GOD DAMN ROOF.

Well f**k.

OH MY GOD.

THIS IS AMAZING. I can’t believe it. Justice has prevailed.

Omg what will Canadia say. He is slain.

Oh yeah Mack and Blake are gone too.

Blake says BYE LENORA. Nah not really but that would have been epic.

Canadia says the girls are stale bread or something.

Says he doesn’t even care (before he said he’d rip off his own fingernail to stay — because that’s what sane people say/do).

Says he’s slept with lots of beautiful women. Says he definitely does NOT have a micropenis.

I am genuinely glad that’s over and great, now I have a fear of Canadians.