Bachelor in Paradise recap episode 9: Catfights over the Magic Man
BACHELOR in Paradise continues to get messier and messier, with cat fights and food fights but also Sammy builds a love shack guys!
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THE first part of this episode is just doing a little housekeeping from the rose ceremony the night before, dusting off the broken hearts and emptying the bins of pure shock.
Despite last week’s controversy, whereby Socceroo gave his rose to Lisa, blindsiding poor, sweet Lukey, it seems like nothing has actually changed.
MORE BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAPS:
EPISODE 7: WOMEN ARE CRAY CRAY
Luke and Lisa sit on the beach having an extremely confusing conversation. Lisa says she knew Luke would understand and she does want to get to know Socceroo but Luke has her rose. I’m SO CONFUSED, but based on the uplifting musical swell more than anything I think they’re OK.
Eden is sticking by his decision to boot Nina ‘cause she wouldn’t put out, choosing fiery, sexy Elora instead. And I dunno I kind of agree with him. It’s a key way to test affections, you gotta try before you buy. Also you are on a sex island for fame and money, please don’t act like your romantic morals are all that.
Eden gets a date card and maybe they’ll just send him solo to a brothel for his sanity. No, he has to pick a contestant and he goes Elora, not a surprise. But she is flat out not into him. Like at all. She’s waiting for Apollo, which is weird because she gives out a dominatrix vibe and he gives out a … child in a man’s body vibe. Weird pairing … a bit creepy actually.
They go out to some sand dunes because nothing says sexy like sand in every single one of your crevasses. Eden is going all out, trying to be touchy feely and she’s not liking it. And I agree. He’s giving off weird creepy uncle vibes. Poor Eden, he just can’t catch a break! He’s not catching any breaks on these sand dunes either because they are rock hard. They’d be better off with skateboards.
And in a cruel, cruel twist (they always do this!!), Apollo arrives while Elora is on a really bad date with Eden. EVERYONE, male or female runs out to him. Everyone just bloody loves Apollo don’t they!
They also don’t know how to say Apollo. They say it like A-powl-o. All I think when I see Apollo is that lighting store that used to have ads all over TV “1-3-2 … 8 double 9” I think that was it, could be wrong #notanad. Anyway I’m glad he’s here, it’s about time there was a little magic on this island.
Everyone also knows how keen keen keen Elora is on Apowlo and how ironic it is she’s not there. Instead she’s on a God awful date with a guy who’s doing the “Here comes the aeroplane!!!” thing with food and the other irony there is I think Apowlo would really get into that.
Eden tries to have a cute food fight but it’s just … bad. As Elora’s storming away, covered in goop and exhausted from fighting him off, he says “That’s how you get the girls. You throw food at them,” and boy if you ever waste food in my presence I’ll waste you.
Keira steals Apollo for a chat and her flirting flops. As she stumbles over her words she says “AH MA GAD I CAN’T EVEN TALK AROUND YEWWW,” and he replies “Oh ‘cause of the bugs?” Face palm.
Then, Apowlo goes for a chat with Simone. He literally says “Hi” and she bursts out in a fit of dithery giggles. He likes her childlike nature and I’ll admit they are a good pairing but it’s a little bit like watching six-year-old Susie and Billy playing in the sandpit. “I made you this sand pie Susie,” “Fank you Biwwy, it is yummy (crunch, crunch).”
He gives her his date card, she confuses a turtle with a dragonfly and now we wait for Elora to return from her nightmare. I mean date. Tarz says ”I can’t wait for this drama” and you said it sis.
So, naturally, Elora returns and is staking her claim to Apowlo immediately (despite never having met or spoken to him … riiight) and shoots absolute daggers at Simone when she finds out she got the date card. Elora asks one thing: that Simone walk into the ocean and never return.
No, just kidding, that’s what she’s THINKING, but what she says is don’t bring up her name, she wants to run her own race and I think that’s fair. I mean not the running bit, ew, but the meaning behind it. Simone somehow thinks this is selfish and you just gotta throw your hands up and laugh, don’t ya?!
So Simone and Apowlo go on this date and bloody hell it better be good for all the fuss it’ caused.
They’re going kayaking which yeah, OK pretty cute. She makes the mistake of going in first, which is a mistake a) because then you can’t bludge in the back while the front person does all the work (duh) and b) she’s got the balance of a baby giraffe that’s just been sniffing glue. They capsize over and over, Apowlo cops a kayak to the face, but they’re having a laugh and Apowlo likes a girl that gets wet so all is well.
They have a chat and answer some dumb questions (seriously, what are you meant to answer to “What are you like when you’re in love?”) and Simone does that thing Elora asked her not to do. Mentions her name. Elora instantly appears like Voldemort. Not really but I half expected it.
Back on the island, we’ve got our answer to what the bloody hell Sammy was doing with a shovel. I mean I’ve dug a fair few holes in my time but very few required a shovel. Knowing Tarz loves a tradie, he’s gotten his hands dirty and built her a legit love shack.
She is absolutely overjoyed and with good reason, it’s just a gorgeous, wonderful thing to do. Pretty sure she wants to “take him” right there under it. He explains that it’s made of sticks that are leaning against other sticks. “Wow”, she says, genuinely blown away. They are so in love it’s insane.
“You tick boxes I didn’t even know I had,” Sammy says. “I always knew I wanted a funny girl but you’re beyond funny. You make me pee when I don’t need to pee.” “You make me pee too,” she replies with complete sincerity. I’m not even making this up. It’s so hilarious but so cute. OMG these guys need a Kardashian-esque spin-off show where we just follow them around.
Tara suggests they sleep under their love shack that night and Sam replies instantly “YEAH, IF YOU WANT MALARIA.” It’s beautiful.
And I wish we could end it there but I feel obligated to finish it off. Long story short Simone and Apowlo come back, the girls absolutely pounce on Simone to know what happened. She’s barely sat down. It’s a bad vibe, very attacky.
She lies about bringing up Elora and simultaneously, the guys, who got Bachie goss from the exclusive Bachie grapevine, know there’s a bit of history between Elora and Simone. Basically the exact same thing that’s happening with Apowlo (ie Elora likes a guy, he likes Simone, Simone goes there) happened on the outside with a Bachie contestant and I guess it’s dredging up the same ol’ feels.
Elora throws out some casual and very charming slut shaming (cough it’s Courtney cough), Simone is mortified, it’s all a lot to take in. Bottom line, they both want to give Apowlo their rose at tomorrow’s ceremony, so it’ll just depend on who’s called first.
I’m very on the fence with these two. It’s like a screamy, scary seesaw ride and I wanna get off.
MORE BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAPS:
EPISODE 7: WOMEN ARE CRAY CRAY
EPISODE 4: JAKE DODGES A GLASS
EPISODE 3: TARA FALLS HEAD OVER HEELS
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