Cocky new arrivals shake it up in Bachelor in Paradise Episode 5

Bachelor in Paradise recap: A couple of cocky foreigners shake things up, someone finally calls out Jarrod for being so pink and the battle for Ali’s motionless face continues.

I’d like you to meet Dick. Oh no sorry this guy’s name is Grant.

EVERYTHING is pretty calm on the island after the last rose ceremony where the fiery Dutchess was sent home by snake boy. Jarrod is ironically whinging about the experience being full on and Nina’s like “Sorry have you met you?”

Nina’s shirt says it — OHHHH it says “Hunt”. Never mind.

Nina also explains her and Eden are on the rocks because they paired up on the first day like dumb boring rookies. It’ll be good to finally get a bit of excitement from that storyline. Jarrod is shady at Mack for rosing Ali even though he’s meant to be cool, fun, chill Jarrod but like a leopard can’t change its spots, a pink boi can’t change his shade.

Then Grant rocks up. He’s an American firefighter and at first glance infinitely more attractive than anyone on the island. Until …

HE’S SEXY SQUIDWARD FROM SPONGEBOB. Now you can’t unsee it.

He has a date card and in a classy move, asks to speak to the men to see where everyone’s at. All he does is realise how little competition he has after the men try to shape up and he’s like “Aw cute,” and takes away almost every woman one by one until Leah takes control. She jumps up, hands him a drink that I’m sure has the remnants of a fizzing ruphy in it and drags him away. They actually froth each other and go on a date.

Nothing says romance like pneumonia.

Switch to Mack attack and he tells the camera “I know my good friend Mike is into Ali as well so I’ve decided to take her for a swim to get some quality time.” Uh … OK Mack. They’re in the water and everyone starts chanting “KISS KISS KISS” which is so immature and I love it. I wish I’d known this tactic when I saw Prince Charles and Camilla on the GC the other day.

KISS KISS KISS (AAP Image/Mark Metcalfe)

They don’t kiss though, because Ali isn’t kissing anyone until she’s sure.

Back to a fairly dizzy American and Leah, their date takes a turn for the “porn-ish” and they undress each other while Leah moans. Only hot dumb confident a-holes suggest swimming for a first date. My ideal first date is seeing how many layers of clothes we can put on until any outline of my body is completely hidden. Oh and we’re wearing masks.

It’s exactly what it looks like.

But these two hot idiots are besotted. They make out and it’s super clear Leah is all the way into him (figuratively speaking you sickos) and he seems to reciprocate but I don’t think the producers sprang for a flight from the US for him to fall in love. So I predict he shaketh things upeth once he’s got her rose.

Don’t you dare spill that bubbly girl.

During all this Keira has been a total sassy pants to Jarrod, since she knows full well she only got his rose ‘cause Mack chose Ali before him. It’s a big change from the Keira who was sobbing into the camera “WHY DOESN’T ANYONE WANT MEEEE,” a couple of days ago. She tells him the rose isn’t necessarily his. He can maybe have it if nobody better comes along.

Despite Mack giving Ali his rose and Mack taking her on that super romantic swim (NB it was not romantic), Socceroo isn’t backing down.

Socceroo asks Ali on a date and despite wearing this hat earlier Ali says yes.

He’s set up a full on cheese and champagne dinner which makes me think for the billionth time why do these date cards exist?! Just so it’s fair on actual date card holders, Osher should have to chaperone anyone who wants to make their own date. He sprays them with a water bottle and sings Cotton Eyed Joe every time a connection is forming. In the name of fairness of course …

Cheese! And champagne! This is a date card worthy date!

Socceroo takes her and the champagne bucket into the bushes for a pash but she’s got a rule so they just stand awkwardly close in the bushes … in the dark for a while. Good on her for sticking to her rule. They’re both well aware of the love triangle so to avoid any awkwardness they return to the group. The group is Mack. All three of them are there. Mack grabs Ali’s shoulder and yells DO YOU FEEL AWKWARD HAHA???

Clingy: A visual representation.

And then, as someone yells, ANUTHA YANK arrives. But he’s not a “Yank” you uncultured swine, he’s Canadian. So he’s probably super muscular AND super nice.

WRONG! His first words to Jarrod are “F**k you’ve had a lot of sun!”

Huh? Sun?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh my word I am laughing so hard. Everyone’s danced around it since he arrived but this dude is straight to the point!

Umm so that “muscle” under his left arm ... am I the only one who feels he should get that checked out?? That looks ... not right bro.

The girls are frothing, he makes nice with the guys by yelling “I’m gunna take all your Australian women YEAH” and Sam starts singing “I am the Canadian Dracula I’ve come to steal your girls!”

It’s all very fun. Keira wanty.

Mine and Keira’s flirty faces are eerily similar/

The master of manipulation, they have a chat and Daniel (oh his name is Daniel but I’m probably going to call him Canadia) sips a margarita and tells Keira he doesn’t need to take her on a date because dates are for when you’re not sure about someone and he’s already sure about her. “That’s a bit sweet!” she gushes and no, Keira, it really isn’t you wang.

“Mmm fancy drink with a side of sweet sweet manipulation!”

Canadia chooses Nina to get a little surer about and remember her and Eden are not great. She’s loving the attention. They’re meant to go to some hot natural springs but after it’s allegedly “pouring with rain” and they might die if they cross this “treacherous river” they have to go to a resort spa.

C’mon.

They even throw in an ominous local with a magic stick to warn them of the dangers. He says he will grant them three wishes if they don’t try to cross and Canadia says THREE MOAR MUSCLES and it is done. At the resort Canadia starts getting a little weeirddd. He keeps saying he’s a dirty, bad boy and motions to his collection of ingrown hairs that surround his areola. It is uncomfortable in my opinion.

“I call this one Derek, ooh this one’s Harry! And you must meet Chandler — say hi Chandler! He’s shy.”

Lenora dumps Blake. She says something like “I feel like we have affection but no connection,” and he’s like uhhh okaayy. Clearly not understanding, but that’s fine because that sentence does not make sense, she’s just trying to humiliate him after he humiliated her. But his was an accident girl. Chill. She says he’s not getting her rose. Classic Lenora.

Uh huhhh.....

After a kinda dark ep we finally have a little light. Uncle Sam and Tarz get a date. They haven’t kissed yet so maybe this will be the right time for some smoochie smoochie. They have to pick cocktails that represent each other and Tarz, in her unbelievably endearing, brutally honest way says Sam is “an acquired taste,” because he seemed like a bit of a dickhead on TV. And well … yeah!

Truth hurts Sammy but it’s OK you have made up for it.

But the most gorgeous part is when two jokers get serious. It’s a rare occurrence, like a solar eclipse or Jarrod being a normal shade of human. Tara even says the word stiff and Sam doesn’t make a joke! They keep talking about kissing and where is that pack of idiots chanting “KISS KISS KISS” when you need them? I’m even chanting it!

Oh you kids keep me young!

THEY BLOODY KISS AND IT’S PERFECT! I GOT CHILLS! THEY’RE MULTIPLYIN’

OK sorry, I ruined it, but it is perfect and they’re so in love. There’s an engagement teased for this show and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was these two.

Seriously, have a look at these drunk love birds.

Back on the island Mack and Jarrod are having the season’s first catfight and I say catfight because there’s no remnant of manliness here at all.

“HE’S BEEN HOGGING THE XBOX 4 AGES IT’S MY TURN.”

Jarrod thinks Mack dogged him by picking Ali and I’m sorry pink boi but I am well versed on dogging and the Dog Judge has spoken and Mack didn’t dog you. Go put your Fedora on and chill the hell out.