Bachelor in Paradise Australia recap episode 8: A hit below the belt
SOMEONE leaves, someone won’t put out, someone’s head lands in Jarrod’s crotch and someone commits the dreaded dog act.
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JUST another quickie tonight. I think the Bachelor in Paradise overlords saw I’d be in the middle of Commonwealth Games and decided to literally double the amount of episodes they’ve had previously. It’s fine, whatever.
MORE BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAPS:
EPISODE 7: WOMEN ARE CRAY CRAY
Yesterday Keira went nuts, two new chicks entered and Lenora knocked back a date card because she was sleepy.
The girls are sitting around talking about the rose ceremony and just casually say “Oh only one girl will go home because Laurina (who’s Laurina??) left,” and WHAT?! She said she was leaving but 75 per cent of this cast threatened that in the first two days. Is she actually gone?! I guess she forgot to add “resilient” to that list of daily affirmations.
Everyone thinks Keira is going home because Grant gave Jarrod a pep talk last night and now our pink lil friend has taken back his testicles and currently is pretty keen on gifting them to new arrival Simone, who sounds like someone from Geordie Shore (not a vital detail but good to know).
So Keira’s got some groundwork to make up because you can bet your sweet bippy nobody else is giving Keira a rose because as aforementioned, she is nuts. Also, I don’t know what a bippy is but I heard it on an episode of the Simpsons once.
They go have a chat and I think the cameraman must have had a seizure or fell down a hill while he was filming because it is SHAKY. Maybe it’s meant to be symbolic of this relationship which is SHAKY. Either way I feel sea sick.
Keira doesn’t think she’s led Jarrod on, despite kissing him and giving him her rose. They agree to disagree. Because clearly there’s no right or wrong person in this scenario! Definitely not! She’s doing a horrible job for someone who’s scheduled to be begging for a rose, she tells him to go be single and mingle. Which is what he did yesterday when she flipped out. The whole interaction is unnecessary and leaves them in the exact same place as they were last night.
Tarz strolls over with a date card in hand yelling “OI LOOK WOT OI FEOUND” and sweet Geordie Shore Simone nabs it. She’s almost too scared to say his name with Keira standing there but she musters the courage and stammers “J-Jarrod …” which I bet she wished she could take back immediately when he did a victory dance complete with a sexually frustrated backup dancer.
Despite not even an hour ago telling Jarrod to be single and mingle, Keira cries and says “Mark my word, Jarrod and Simone will not be a couple.”
Far away from Keira and Simone is still not safe. They’re doing yoga on a paddleboard, which seems dangerous and unnecessary in the first place. Secondly she’s going to have to get in her bikini in front of an extremely blue-balled Jarrod. Thirdly she’s going to see Jarrod’s fluorescent pink naked torso. Fourthly (?), Jarrod tries to piggyback her and basically throws her off and into the water. “The bloody idiot just drops me like I’m a fat whale,” Simone says, but in reality she cannot. Stop. Laughing.
And when everything is working against Jarrod, they get him to do this.
But then they throw him a bone and force her to put her beautiful British face in his wet pink crotch so he’s fine.
Back on the island there are NO faces in crotches and that’s just the problem! Socceroo has nobody’s face in his crotch. He said he’d like Lisa’s face in his crotch but she connect with Luke’s crotch and what have we said all along? Ya never dog tha bois. But still, he says he’s sick of messing around. Is he about to dog tha bois? Or namely one boi? Luke boi?
Also fed up with blue balls and crotches absent of faces is Eden, who is not only yet to see Nina’s garden but is yet to even receive a smooch. He and Elora are having a nice little chat and it seems innocent enough until camera cuts to Eden saying he likes Elora ‘cause she’s got a bit of meat on her bones and I think you’re looking for Bachelor in Paradise: Cannibal Edition bro. That’d be a VERY different show.
Then Nina’s telling a seriously disinterested Grant how much she misses that psychopathic Canadian and sis just get to know Eden and you’ll realise he’s a little scary too! She repeats over and over and over how much she misses him and how she can’t wait to contact him when she gets off the island. May I remind you that Grant is now the bro whisperer? He tells men the truth about their sneaky women!
Osher arrives to tell the gang there will be a rose ceremony tonight and cue 20 minutes of scramblin’ and ramblin’. Keira knows she’s made a terrible mistake and looking at this glowing man (and not just the pinkness this time) it’s clear he’s had a wonderful date (they had a smooch by the way. I think Simone actually likes him). Keira is well aware she has no connections and no connecty means no rosey. I’d be inclined to agree but who knows. We thought Canadia had three bloody roses and he got zero.
So Socceroo has hinted over and over that if he’s picked first, he’s going to pick Lisa who is obviously betrothed to Lukey. But in the most bizarre timing Lukey chooses this moment to say something dumb about wanting to get to know new people and it causes their first rift. The rift pushes Lisa into Socceroo’s arms and she admits she wanted to get to know him before she went in but he didn’t make the move.
She’s being a little bit seedy to be honest. Both of them are. All I know is if I was on that island, it would be reeeeeeeal awkward if everyone hated you, even if you did have someone to hold hands with. It wouldn’t be fun.
So all of a sudden the people who were solid in the beginning are very much not solid — Eden + Nina and Luke + Lisa. The solids are Grant + Ali, Jake + Megan, Tara + Sam and um well that’s it. I feel it’d be safe to say Keira could go, but Leah is definitely not safe/wanted and I think there will be a couple of last resort roses — ie people who don’t like each other but there’s nobody better.
Why does Osh still explain every tiny little detail about the rose ceremonies? We know what’s happening Osh BRING THE PAIN.
First is Eden. Dramatic drumming. Darty eyes. He says a speech THIS IS NOT NECESSARY JUST SAY A NAME. He goes Elora! Stop it Eden you dirty dog! Despite having wet dreams about Canadia Nina is still pissed. You made your bed gurl.
Grant is next, he goes Ali. Boring. Sammy chooses Tara. She makes this face.
It’s too cute. Jake chooses Megan. American Jarrod chooses Leah … interesting since I haven’t even seen them speak … and I SEE ALL.
Jarrod is up and if he doesn’t go Simone he’s an idiot. I mean he is. But a double idiot. He chooses Simone. Good lil idiot. Surely that’s Keira’s shot gone but I can’t help but feel she’ll be safe? They only lead people to believe someone is going if they’re definitely safe. I’m racking my brain trying to remember if I’ve seen her in any more promos.
Socceroo is up.
He hasn’t made a move this risky since he agreed to play Brazil solo for charity. But that paid off and he won, so this time he says it’s time to take a risk and follow his heart. “I SOLD OUT,” he says as the dramatic music crescendos. “AND I WON’T DO IT AGAIN.” It’s equally as dramatic as scenes from movies where the protagonist is about to sacrifice their life to save the planet.
He says Lisa.
Luke nearly falls over.
Lisa accepts. Everyone is SHOOK. Socceroo immediately starts crying (an impressive feat considering how much residual Botox must have leaked into his tear ducts) and runs away. Seizure cameraman is at it again with the shakiest camera work I’ve ever seen. TREAD LIGHTLY DUDE I FEEL QUEASY! But also GET HIM seeing a grown man cry was on my list of things to witness today.
He’s crying “I’ve dogged my mate,” and yeah but you knew you were going to do that! You should be the LEAST surprised one! Now can we get back inside there’s someone actually going home. It’s not all about you ya know?!
Lukey’s next holy crap. He’s got to choose between Keira and Nina. I feel like he has to go Keira because Nina already said she won’t put out and how is he meant to have revenge sex with someone who won’t put out? You know who WILL put out …*smirk face*
HE PICKS KEIRA HOLY HELL and nobody is more shocked than she.
She starts crying like Luke is a gracious king who decided to waive her death penalty for stealing a loaf of bread. He wraps her up, wipes away her tears and gives her a kiss on the head, because he is a perfect beautiful gentleman and Lisa will regret this. Lisa starts crying too. This hot, sexy, exotic island is super depressing.
So Nina is gone, Eden walks over I assume to say “YA SHOULDA PUT OUT GURRRL!” and motion aggressively to his crotch but she says “I have nothing to say to you.”
Hey girl, don’t worry, at least you have a psychopathic, possibly short circuited Canadian cyborg to go home to … winnerrrr…..
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