‘I don’t enjoy my husband’s sexual fantasies’

A wife has described how she has “less respect” for her husband as his sexual fantasies have grown into something “degrading”.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie talks about conflicting sexual needs within a couple.

Question: My husband regularly visits strippers, watches porn, and has an array of sexual fantasies that I can’t relate to and don’t enjoy. I knew he had these habits when we first started dating but I pushed my misgivings aside as I loved him and our sex life was great. But as time has gone on and we have less sex, his need to visit strippers seems to have grown. I find it degrading and it makes me have less respect for him. How do we realign our wants and needs?

Answer: It’s normal for couples to have different sexual needs and desires. Sometimes couples are able to find ways to compromise and enjoy each other’s different desires together. However, there are also occasions when differences cause hurt and distance.

Our desires and turn-ons often point to deeper themes, patterns or needs within us. Picture: Eric Nopanen/Unsplash

Sexuality is complex

Our desires and turn-ons often point to deeper themes, patterns or needs within us – and can trigger some of our greatest vulnerabilities.

These complexities, emotions, judgments and a lack of education we have around sex can make dealing with sexual difficulties in a relationship feel almost overwhelming at times.

But if left unaddressed or unresolved, these issues around sex can become a wedge between you.

It doesn’t sound like your sexual wants and needs ever really aligned – you were just able to set aside your feelings for a while. You now need to find a way to understand each other.

How to deal with different sexual desires:

Talk about it

In an ideal relationship, you’d be able to talk about this and find solutions together – some that may even build intimacy between you.

Talking openly and honestly about sex is one of the hallmarks of a long term satisfying sex life.

Have you spoken about this before? If you’ve been pushing aside your concerns, your husband might be surprised (and/or frustrated) to hear your concerns.

Talking honestly about sex is one of the hallmarks of a long term satisfying sex life. Picture: Taylor Hernandez/Unsplash

Share your feelings and emotions

Sex can be deeply triggering. When we’re triggered – or feeling vulnerable – we can often blame or criticise a partner. I witness this often in couples’ discussions about sex.

I can hear that you feel degraded and that this decreases the respect you have for your husband, but you’ll need sensitivity in how you share that.

Our emotions sit in layers. Secondary emotions are most easily accessible – they’re emotions like anger, frustration or disgust – and they’re usually the ones we share. But underneath sit harder to access emotions that feel more vulnerable – like fear, anxiety, shame or sadness.

Too often, I’ve seen a dynamic where one partner expresses disdain for their partner’s desires, without sharing the deep fear and vulnerability they experience underneath about not being able to meet their partner’s needs (and not having their needs met in return). This disdain is then often met with frustration and justification of ‘natural needs’ (or worse, blame of their partner’s frigidity) – without acknowledgment of the deep shame and pain of rejection underneath.

Without acknowledgment of deeper emotions, couples can become stuck in a gridlock of hurt and misunderstanding.

Your husband is turning to more of these behaviours as sex with you decreases. Picture: Charles Deluvio/Unsplash

Encourage your partner to share his perspective

I realise this is not easy, particularly with men who are not used to talking about emotions or difficult topics. Your partner might not know the right words to use or, after a lifetime of pushing down emotions, not even know what he’s feeling.

Gentle conversation, emotional safety in the relationship and time for him to reflect can help this. (I’m also aware that without professional support, he may continue to struggle with this.)

Try to understand the deeper issues

Your husband is turning to more of these behaviours as sex with you decreases.

That suggests to me that he’s using these as strategies for regulating emotions or potentially to cope with an underlying fragile sense of self.

In encounters with strippers and through viewing pornography, your husband faces no risk of rejection or non-acceptance. You haven’t shared what his fantasies are, but I would hazard a guess they involve a power dynamic that doesn’t leave him vulnerable and encounters that are not emotionally intimate.

Gentle conversation, emotional safety in the relationship and time for him to reflect can help. Picture: iStock

I don’t judge your husband (or anyone) for that.

Intimacy is risky – especially if we weren’t given a strong foundation for that in our childhood.

Our turn ons are often connected to deep emotional themes within our psyche or events and experiences that occurred long before we really understood what was happening.

I tell you this not to justify his behaviour, but to give you a perspective that may allow for more compassion.

Seek professional help

If you continue to struggle to deal with this together, please reach out to a Couples Therapist and Sexologist. Without resolution, this may become a growing wedge between you, but it doesn’t necessarily need to.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]