Relationship Rehab: Wife ‘exhausted’ as hubby wants constant sex

The woman is busy with childcare, looking after elderly parents and relatives – meanwhile her “understanding” husband wants one thing.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a woman struggling with her husband’s high libido.

Question: What do you do when your husband wants lots more sex than you? This is a huge problem because I’m usually exhausted after running around after our three kids, my elderly parents and I also help look after my two nieces. My husband is amazing and patient and understanding but still wants more sex. I think I’ve lost my libido completely.

Answer: I’m not surprised you’ve lost your libido. It sounds like you have a lot going on.

Mismatched desire levels is a challenge for many couples. Overcoming it requires more than just one person trying to increase their desire.

Feeling like there’s something wrong with you or that this is your problem to fix isn’t going to help you feel more in the mood. You’ll need to work together to understand each other and manage this as a couple.

Mismatched sexual desires can be common in relationships. Picture: iStock.

How to manage mismatched desire levels

Sexual desire is complex. I can’t offer you a magic bullet to help increase your desire levels, but I can offer suggestions and advice that have supported many couples I’ve worked with in therapy.

Understand how desire works

We tend to think of desire as being ‘spontaneous’, that it will just arise at certain times. While this is more often the case for men, for women, desire is contextual and more likely to be ‘responsive’.

Our desire responds, rather than just arises on its own. And it’s strongly influenced by our context, that is, things that are going on around us.

Another helpful way of looking at this is to think of sexual desire as having ‘brakes’ and ‘accelerators’. There are things that are going to put a brake on our desire and things that will accelerate it.

To encourage your desire to respond, you need to look not just at what you can do to increase desire, but what is happening within yourself, your relationship and your life that is inhibiting it.

Being exhausted and taking care of a lot of people in your life are strong sexual brakes. Other common sexual brakes include relationship distress, poor body image, negative sexual beliefs, being afraid of the kids walking in and anxiety.

Sexologist and news.com.au columnist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied.

Talk about it and work together

When you have low desire, it can be difficult to understand why sex is important to someone else. When you have high desire, it can be difficult to understand why someone doesn’t see sex as an important part of a loving relationship.

Couples who learn to talk about their mismatched desire will find that it has less of an impact on their relationship and mental health.

You and your husband need to work on this as a team, understanding that each of your perspectives is valid.

Balance household chores

I’m going to hazard a guess that the mental load you carry trying to take care of so many people in your life is also impacting your desire.

Research has shown that couples who take an egalitarian approach to managing household chores have more satisfying relationships and sex lives. Discussing the mental load you carry and the division of household chores may be helpful.

Maintain your connection

While managing mismatched desire levels, it’s important that you maintain your connection outside of the bedroom too.

If you’re not feeling connected to your partner throughout the day and he makes a move as you’re going to sleep at night, you’re not likely to feel in the mood.

Couples who have great intimate lives do the following:

Stay good friends

Say ‘I love you’ every day

Kiss passionately for no reason at all

Go on regular dates

Cuddle every day

Share appreciation for each other often

Maintaining your connection in other ways besides sex is crucial for a successful relationship. Picture: iStock.

Make intimacy a priority

A great sex life, just like a great relationship, doesn’t just happen. It takes effort and attention. You need to make intimacy a priority.

Making sex a priority includes making time for it. Expecting it to ‘just happen’ when you fall into bed exhausted at the end of the night isn’t making it a priority. Consider setting aside time when you won’t be interrupted or going to bed together early some nights.

Make sure you enjoy the sex you do have too. If you don’t enjoy it or do it only to please a partner, your desire will continue to fall.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.