Relationship Rehab: ‘I can’t stop cheating on my partner’

They love each other “so much” – but after this person cheated multiple times, is there any hope for the relationship?

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a couple who broke up after one partner was unfaithful multiple times.

Question: I can’t stop cheating on my partner. I love her so much but I can’t seem to help myself. I’ve done it before and she’s forgiven me and we’ve got back together but the most recent time she said she’s done with me. She messages me saying she misses me but can’t trust me and won’t start seeing me again. How can I prove to her that I will absolutely never do this again and that I really love her?

Answer: Your (ex) partner is right not to trust you right now. You can’t promise her that you won’t do it again, because you don’t know that. The only way you can prove to her that you won’t do it again is by ensuring it never happens again – and it’s understandable if she won’t give you that chance.

You need to look at yourself and understand why this happened

If you want a happy relationship going forward (with your current partner or someone else), you’ll need to really understand what it is that compels you to seek sex or connection outside your relationship.

I imagine that it has to do with your childhood experiences of relationship and what’s known as your ‘Attachment Style’.

The relationships we have with our caregivers as infants and young children strongly influence what is well known in psychology as ‘Attachment Style’. These ‘styles’, of which there are four, are like a blueprint for how we manage relationships later in life.

Understanding your Attachment Style and your early relationships can help shed light on why you’ve repeatedly cheated on your partner. This is an important foundation for taking steps to avoid it in future.

I suggest that you get support from a therapist to understand more about this.

Isiah McKimmie is news.com.au’s resident relationship expert. Picture: Supplied

Cheating doesn’t mean you didn’t love her

I hear that you still have feelings for your ex. We can love someone and still cheat on them. We can also love someone, but know that it isn’t right to be in a relationship with them.

Your ex might benefit from support too

Discovering that you’ve been cheated on takes a huge emotional toll. It can be absolutely devastating. You ex is likely feeling a range of emotions that she’s struggling to make sense of.

Her messaging you to say she misses you isn’t ideal. It probably keeps both of you in a stuck, confused place and gets in the way of both of you moving on. I’m also going to guess that maintaining some kind of connection with you right now is part of her processing this.

She would likely benefit from talking to someone who can help her process her feelings about this.

Is it possible to rebuild a relationship when one partner has cheated multiple times? Picture: iStock

Rebuilding trust takes time

Recovering from infidelity takes time and a lot of effort. When couples attempt to move on too quickly from infidelity, they usually find unresolved issues surface later on.

If your partner does decide to give you another chance, don’t take an approach of ‘forgive and forget’ and just hope that it never happens again.

Research shows that there are three stages couples benefit from going through to recover from infidelity.

You’ll need to apologise (many times) and allow her to share her emotions about what she went through. You’ll also need to take steps (over time) to help rebuild trust. Rebuilding trust takes time. It will require you to go out of your way over a long period of time to show her that you’re there for her and that she can trust you again.

Be prepared for years of work

It’s difficult to navigate infidelity recovery alone, as you’re both likely to feel a high level of emotion around what happened. You’ll find it supportive to see a well-trained therapist with experience in this who can help guide you through the process.

If your ex isn’t willing to work on this with you, it’s understandable. I still recommend you seeing a therapist alone so that this doesn’t happen again in a future relationship.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.