Relationship Rehab: Wife’s X-rated problem with ‘sexy’ husband

The woman loves her “sexy, loving, caring” husband, but a growing bedroom issue is causing tension between the couple.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a woman who has lost her sexual desire – and her husband isn’t happy about it.

Question: My problem is my sex drive. I don’t have much of one anymore due to my age (53) and the onset of menopause. I still find my husband sexy, loving, caring, never want to be without him, and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don’t feel the need for sex much.

He’s taking it extremely personally which I totally understand but I don’t know how to fix it. He wants sex a minimum of three to four times a week and he gets sooky if it’s less. I’m happy with twice a week.

I’ve taken vitamins and had blood tests to see if there’s a hormone greatly lacking that could be contributing to my low libido but they came back all good. I don’t initiate sex very often at all but if he does, once I get going I’m fine and really enjoy it. Can you suggest anything?

Answer: Sex drive (and our sex lives) will change throughout our lives, what’s important is how you manage and navigate these changes together as a couple.

I hear that you still love you husband and want to spend the rest of your life with him. I also understand why he’s taking this personally.

Brene Brown’s research on shame and vulnerability has shown that for men, sex is about more than sex. It’s connected to them feeling worthy, loved and enough. For many women I speak to in my therapy room, this doesn’t make sense. Yet it’s a sentiment repeated often in couples therapy.

Here are some things to consider as you navigate menopause and mismatched desire levels together.

How menopause effects sexual desire and pleasure

It’s important for women to know that their sex lives aren’t necessarily over once they reach menopause. Menopause can lead to both increased or decreased sexual desire, though it is common for women to notice decreased desire.

Menopause can lead to decreased vaginal lubrication which can cause pain, discomfort and embarrassment. Following menopause women can also notice decreased sensitivity and find reaching orgasm more difficult.

Changes to your body image can also make sex less desirable.

You can continue to have an enjoyable sex life post menopause. Adjustments such as using lubricant, spending more time ‘warming up’ and choosing positions that are more comfortable for your body, can help.

The impact of hormones on sexual desire

Hormone levels do have the potential to impact sexual desire. However, while many women (and men) I speak to take blood tests in the hope of finding a convenient hormonal or biological reason for their diminished desire, hormones most often aren’t the cause.

Sexual desire is complicated and often doesn’t have a quick fix

I wish I had a ‘quick fix’ for you to help increase your desire. Unfortunately, I don’t. It also isn’t only your responsibility to increase desire. You need to work together to navigate this.

There’s no quick fix when it comes to fixing your sex drive, but there are ways to work together on it as a couple. Picture: iStock.

Sooky isn’t sexy

You’re not the only person to tell me their partner becomes moody without sex. Sooky and grumpy isn’t sexy. It usually leads to sex out of obligation or to avoid consequences – neither of which increases desire in the long term.

I imagine your partner acts this way however as he doesn’t have better tools for managing his underlying emotions or to talk about this in a more constructive way. Supporting men (and women) in this is something I do in therapy. It’s harder to learn these new skills on your own, but it is possible.

Build connection in other ways

Spending time building connection in other ways can serve the dual purpose of helping you feel more in the mood and helping you husband feel less hurt by your diminished sexual desire. Make sure you’re spending time together, saying ‘I love you’ and having fun together.

Understand and reassure each other

Couples I work with in therapy find that better understanding each other, feeling listened to and feeling loved helps reduce the impact of different desire levels on their relationship. Although it might seem like it isn’t making a difference right now, it can be helpful to continue to reassure your partner that you’re attracted to him.

Work on this as a team

Everyone has different desire levels for sex and I’m always loathe to talk about numbers when it comes to frequency. What is most important is that couples find a frequency that works for them.

I share more practical tools for managing sexual desire discrepancies in this article.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.