Relationship Rehab: Hubby’s sex problem with ‘happy’ marriage

The couple have been married 15 years, but there’s a bedroom issue the husband is afraid to “hassle” his wife about.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a

QUESTION: I love my wife of 15 years and I‘m so happy with the life we have together. My only issue is that we don’t have sex enough for my liking. We probably have sex once a month and I’d prefer to have it once or twice a week. When we do have sex she says she enjoys it but then never seems keen to do it again. I don’t want to hassle her but at the same time, I have needs. What is the normal amount for a married couple to have sex? And how do I get my wife to want more sex?

ANSWER: Sexual frequency can vary significantly between couples – and can change based on different phases in your life. I’m always hesitant to answer questions on what a ‘normal’ or ‘average’ frequency is for sex. It focuses only on a number and misses the real point of what’s going on between a couple.

Differences in desire levels are a common challenge between couples. Despite the stereotypes, in heterosexual relationships both men and women can be the higher desire partners.

Address your differences as a team

It’s important that you understand each other and are willing to work on this as a team, like any other area of your relationship. It isn’t the frequency of sex that matters most, it’s how partners feel loved and validated by each other.

What couples tend to find is that when they’re connected, not arguing about sex and having it a little more regularly, the partner with the higher drive is satisfied with less sex than they thought. The partner with the lower drive also tends to be interested more often – without the pressure and arguments around it.

Getting there of course, tends to take some time and effort.

Communication is vital in any relationship, especially when it comes to sex. Picture: iStock.

Have meaningful conversations about sex and intimacy

Communication is vital to any challenge that arises in a relationship. This can often be difficult in regard to sex, because we’re rarely given the tools to talk about it – and when you’re experiencing challenges around it, it can be highly charged.

Have a conversation about what sex really means to you. In a vulnerable way. It is often difficult for women to understand what sex means to men. Brenè Brown’s research speaks to how sex can add to men’s feelings of self worth. It’s also the socially sanctioned way that men can ask for intimacy and connection.

Aim to share the emotions that you have about this without blame or shame. Be interested in her feelings about sex and intimacy too.

Understand each other’s needs

You have sexual needs – but what needs does she have? Often what women are most longing for is time for themselves, support with household chores and not feeling like their partner is just another person who needs something from them. They’re also often looking for more connection and emotional intimacy with their partner.

That doesn’t just mean helping her just so that you can have sex. It means really being interested in her needs and trying to meet them.

Understand how sexual desire works

We tend to expect sexual desire to be ‘spontaneous’ – that it just arises in any given moment. What sex researchers are now discovering is that for many people, desire is more ‘responsive’. This means it responds based on our situation.

A useful way to view this is like a car; it has brakes and an accelerator. To encourage desire to respond, you need to remove the brakes and increase the accelerator. Adding the accelerator alone won’t work.

Reduce ‘sexual brakes’

Have a conversation about what your wife’s sexual brakes might be and how you can aim to reduce them.

Sexual brakes include:

• • Feeling disconnected in a relationship

• • Frequent arguments

• • Being tired or stressed

• • Worry that the kids will hear/walk in

• • Negative sexual beliefs

• • Poor body image

Increase ‘sexual accelerators’

We all have different turn ons. Many women are unsure of what theirs are. Have a conversation about what your wife’s sex accelerators are and how you can work on increasing them.

• • Feeling connected to a partner

• • Feeling supported in household chores

• • Touch or massage

• • A bath or shower to unwind

• • Lingerie

I wish you well navigating this. When couples can communicate about sex well and work on any challenges together, it can strengthen their relationship. If you become stuck and resentful, it can become a wedge that drives you apart.

If you’re not able to make change with some of the suggestions I’ve made, consider reaching out to a couples therapist and sexologist – personalised support and guidance can make an enormous difference.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.