Relationship Rehab: Wife’s frustration over X-rated ‘addiction’

For over a decade the married couple have struggled with one issue the wife now fears has turned into an “addiction” hurting their relationship.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a wife struggling with her husband’s erectile dysfunction and porn addiction.

QUESTION: My partner has had erectile dysfunction problems for over 10 years and it‘s really impacting our marriage. What’s complicating it further is that I think he’s addicted to porn and masturbation. How do I know if his erectile dysfunction is a physical problem or psychological due to his ongoing addiction problems? I love him but I’m not sure how much more I can take of his behaviour and lack of affection in the bedroom.

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ANSWER: I feel for you. I hear an underlying loneliness and sense of helplessness you have about your relationship.

Reasons for erectile dysfunction

There are many factors that can cause erectile dysfunction. These include underlying health problems (I always recommend someone experiencing ongoing erectile dysfunction visit their GP to rule these out), age, depression, anxiety, performance anxiety or other psychological factors.

Deciphering whether a sexual challenge is a physical or psychological issue is often difficult because very often, it’s a combination.

My guess is that if you’re aware that your husband is still using pornography – and not being intimate with you – there’s more going on than a physical issue causing erectile challenges.

Impacts of pornography use on sexual function

We’re now seeing numerous ways that internet pornography is affecting sexual behaviour and function.

High pornography use in particularly younger men is resulting in erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation (inability or difficulty reaching orgasm), decreased sexual satisfaction, and reduced libido.

The ‘intensity’ of pornography, the ability for men to give themselves exactly what they want and the absence of having to worry about their performance with someone else are just some of the factors impacting men’s sexual experience with a partner.

Of course, I could go on about the sexual expectations created by porn and the ways it impacts women, but this isn’t the place. I’m not anti-porn, but I do think we need to be mindful of the kind of pornography we’re watching and what we expect from it.
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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

Underlying intimacy issues

Pornography can complicate intimacy issues. It’s easily accessible, it has almost unlimited variety, it’s largely targeted to male pleasure and men are fully in control of their sexual experiences while masturbating. All of this can cause complications for partnered sex.

Turning to satisfaction from pornography, rather than intimacy and connection with another human being can exacerbate underlying challenges with intimacy. It’s unfortunately becoming more common.

What you can do

The key issue here is that you’re feeling some version of being unloved and neglected. While this is largely showing up in the bedroom, I’ll bet this isn’t the only place your relationship is lacking connection.

While I realise that this is probably a difficult issue for your partner to talk about – and talking about emotional or relational issues most likely isn’t something he’s comfortable with at the best of times, you will need to talk about this.

It’s important for you both to know that there are treatment options available. But your husband has to be willing to engage in them.

Talk to your husband

I don’t doubt you’ve tried, but you’ll need to talk to your husband about how you’re feeling.

He needs to understand the potential ramifications of his behaviour on his relationship, though I’m aware that has the potential to increase his anxiety and cause him to shut down.

When raising difficult issues, you’ll get the best results when you use a ‘soft start-up’ approach.

1. • Share your emotions.

2. • Voice your needs in a positive way.

3. • Ask for the outcome you want.

For you this might sounds like:

I’m feeling unloved and upset about our intimacy. I have a need for us to be connected in all areas of our relationship. I’d really like for us to be able to talk about this and work on it together. Are you willing to do that?

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Pornography can complicate intimacy issues in any relationship. Picture: iStock.

Ask that he speaks to a professional

Overcoming any sexual challenge is more effective with support. Especially given the length of time this issue has been persisting and the likely underlying psychological factors here, you’ll get better results working with a sexologist or psychosexual therapist who can support you with a strategy and practical tools.

Cut out pornography

Unfortunately, part of that process for your husband is likely to be cutting out his use of pornography altogether – at least for some time, so he can learn to enjoy sex in other ways again.

I hope for the sake of your relationship he’s willing to work with you and get help on this.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.