Relationship Rehab: Wife reveals ‘awkward’ porn secret

The couple are looking to “add some excitement to their sex life” – only the woman has holding something back from her spouse.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie details whether watching porn with your partner will improve your sex life.

QUESTION: My husband has suggested we watch porn. I’ve watched porn myself in the past – although usually lesbian porn if I’m honest. I always saw that as something to do by myself. It just feels really awkward to watch it with him. He thinks it will add some excitement back to our sex life. I’m totally unsure what to do and say. Please give me some advice!

ANSWER: What I love about your question is that this is obviously something you feel a little uncomfortable about, but instead of just shutting the idea down or avoiding it, you’re looking to find out more information and make a decision on what to do.

Well done. There’s a lot to be gained by leaning into our discomforts and expanding what we think we enjoy sexually. As long as we’re safe and giving consent in the process.

Pornography is a controversial topic. I know because I inevitably end up with an inbox full of private messages from people expressing their opinions when I write about it. I’ve been told it’s immoral and that I’m misogynistic for writing about it.

I’m not going to get into the ethics (or morals) of mainstream pornography, because that’s not what you’re asking about. (If anyone else has opinions on that, you’re welcome to keep them to yourself.)

I do want to answer some of the important questions you’ve raised, because you’re not the only person to ask me about this.

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Can pornography help a relationship?

Pornography can enhance desire and excitement in a relationship and can help you get turned on relatively quickly when you’re looking to engage in sex together.

It can also be a useful tool for discovering which sexual practices interest you – as long as it isn’t the only source of education you receive.

We often see both masturbation and pornography as practices we should engage in by ourselves, in secret. Sharing these practices with a partner can add new dimensions to your sexual pleasure and increase intimacy.

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Porn can be useful at helping you find out what sexual practices you are interested in. Picture: iStock

Other ways to enhance desire and excitement

Of course pornography isn’t the only way to ignite spark and desire. If this is something that your husband is seeking at the moment, you might also consider:

• Trying different sexual positions

• Spending longer in foreplay

• Trying body mapping

• Talking about your fantasies together

• Experimenting with bondage

• Introducing sex toys to your bedroom

How to discuss watching porn together

I know I say this over and over again, but couples who can communicate about sex openly, experience greater sexual pleasure and desire. Communication is one of the most important aspects of great sex.

While talking about issues like this can feel a little uncomfortable at first, it can also create greater safety and intimacy.
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Talking about what porn you like with a partner may feel uncomfortable at first. Picture: iStock.

Here are some questions it might be helpful to ask each other before you go ahead:

• What about pornography interests you?

• Is there any part of watching this that makes you feel uncomfortable?

• What kind of pornography would you like to watch?

• What kind of sexual practices do you want to see?

• Is there anything that you would feel uncomfortable watching?

• Is there anything I can do to help you feel safer doing this?

• What are your expectations after we watch it?

• Are there any other concerns you have that you want to share with me?

Make sure you feel comfortable

If you do decide to do this, make sure you feel comfortable. Keep the communication open so if you try it and discover it isn’t for you, let your partner know.

Porn for women

It’s common for women to be attracted to lesbian pornography for a few reasons. Mainstream pornography is rarely focused on a woman’s pleasure and it’s often also seen as degrading towards women.

According to Pornhub’s 2017 survey, the top search term for their entire site was “porn for women”.

Thankfully, we’re now seeing an emergence of porn made for women, by women, though finding it can be challenging.

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Porn for women is one of the top searches on Pornhub. Picture: iStock

Ethical and female-friendly pornography

Here are a few sites I recommend you check out:

FrolicMe

FrolicMe prides itself on sharing beautiful, elegant erotic porn for women and couples.

Make Love Not Porn

Make Love Not Porn captures consensual, real world sex “in all it’s glorious, silly, beautiful, messy, reassuring humanness”.

Bellesa

Bellesa captures real, unscripted sex. Performers are encouraged to communicate with their partner(s) throughout about what feels good/what they like.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sex Therapist and Sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]