Relationship Rehab: Daughter uncovers mum’s explicit nudes

The mother of a teenager is worried their relationship has been “destroyed” after her daughter found her X-rated photos on her phone.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a mother deal with the aftermath of her teen daughter uncovering her nudes.

Question: I’ve got a 14-year-old daughter who recently found nude photos of me on my phone. The photos were of me naked and bending over with no one else in them. I took them to send to a man I know — I enjoy taking nudes, it gives me a thrill.

Should I be ashamed that my daughter has seen the photos? She’s come across them more than once.

Can you direct me to someone I can talk to about this or that she can talk to if she needs to?

She is upset about it and I’m worried it will destroy our relationship.

Answer: I can certainly understand why this would be distressing to both you and your daughter. Sharing nude photos with another consenting adult can be fun and exciting. However, there are obvious things to consider, such as who else might see the photos, either on your phone or the other person’s.

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Daughter uncovers mum’s (not pictured) explicit nudes. Picture: iStock

Context matters

According to trauma theory, it isn’t just what happens to us, but the degree to which we’re supported during what happens to us that makes a difference.

Seeing you nude, isn’t in and of itself damaging to her. What will make a difference is her feeling alone, confused or scared about what she saw, which clearly had sexual connotations.

Your reaction matters

Generally, when children walk in on their parents during a sexual activity, the advice is to react calmly, not make a big deal out of it and provide enough information for the child to process it. When parents become frightened, reactive or agitated about something, kids pick up on this.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied

Other things to consider

Your situation is a little different because your daughter is old enough to understand what’s happening, but likely doesn’t have the tools or understanding to process it.

She’s also at an impressionable age, where she’s likely just starting to understand herself as a sexual being and to start navigating how she deals with issues such as intimacy and consent.

The nature of your relationship with the person you sent your photo to may also be a factor here. It doesn’t sound like this is someone who lives with you or that you’re necessarily in a committed relationship with. I don’t have personal judgment around that, but be aware it may challenge some of the culture norms your daughter sees around her.

It may be helpful to her to gain more understanding about what she saw and what it means to you. She may also have questions or concerns that she wants answered.

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It’s important you get her appropriate professional support. Picture: Supplied

Get professional support

Given that your daughter is visibly upset by this, it’s important you get her appropriate professional support.

Find a psychotherapist or psychologist who specialises in work with children and teenagers.

Make sure she feels comfortable seeing this person and if she doesn’t, look for someone else. I suggest finding a woman given the nature of what they’ll be discussing. Your daughter’s school might have someone she can access. You may want to consider family therapy to support you and your daughter to have conversations together also.

Be more careful in future

Obviously, in future, I suggest deleting any photos you take once you’ve sent them or consider finding a locked folder for them and be mindful that your daughter has access to your phone.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sex Therapist and Sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]