Relationship Rehab: How to know when you are ready to start a family?

They’ve been together for seven years and want to take things to the next level, but there’s one detail about her husband that “irritates” his wife no end.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a woman feeling panicked about starting a family with her boyfriend.

How to know when you are ready to start a family?

QUESTION: I‘ve been with my husband for seven years and married for three. Last year we decided 2021 would be the year we started a family and I’ve recently gone off the pill. The only issue is that I’m unsure about our relationship. When we met I enjoyed his laid-back attitude to life but now it irritates me. He isn’t ambitious at work so never gets pay rises and he’s messy around the house. When I think about putting a baby into the mix I start to feel panicked. How do you know if you’re ready to start a family with someone? And how do I end it if he’s not the one?

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ANSWER: You have to confront what’s happening between you. It’s only going to get harder when there’s a baby around. In fact, I would urge you to pause your baby-making attempts until you have some clarity on this. It’s vital to feel certain about your relationship before you start a family. Tension between parents has a measurable impact on a child. Separation after having children is also significantly more complex.

There’s more going on here than your husband’s lack of ambition at work and his messiness. The real questions are around how you communicate together, your ability to meet each other’s needs and the alignment you have on your goals in life.

There are a number of proven elements in happy, long-term relationships. Here are three that I suggest you address to gain clarity (and hopefully improve) your relationship.
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Before starting a family, it’s important a couple is on the same page.

1. Improve communication

It isn’t what couples argue or disagree about in a relationship that makes the difference long-term. It’s how they’re able to talk about those issues and work on them together.

I’m not sure if you’ve been able to raise these issues with your husband so far, but my guess would be if you have, it’s probably ended in an argument. It certainly doesn’t sound like you’ve been able to reach an understanding together.

One of the biggest mistakes couples make in communication is criticising their partners – though it often isn’t intentional.

We tend to communicate what we don’t want or what we want fixed. This feels like criticism to the person on the receiving end and they react with defensiveness or shut down.

Underneath every complaint is a longing or an unmet need. There’s also emotion connected to this.

When we can communicate our emotions and needs, we’re more likely to be heard.

I hear the anxiety that you feel about the issues you see in your partner. I imagine underneath this is a longing for security and support – especially as you’re considering bringing a baby into the world.

I don’t imagine this will be easy for your partner to hear, but you need to share that you’re feeling anxious about your financial situation and the organisation of the house and chores. Be clear on what your needs are around this and let him know that too.

Once you’re able to communicate your needs effectively, you get to see if your husband is willing and able to meet them in a way that feels satisfactory to you.

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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

2. Rebuild appreciation and fondness

At the beginning of a relationship, we often appreciate the differences that someone brings to our life, and we’re able to overlook the things that annoy us. In strong, relationships, we continue to accept these differences and value our partner regardless.

But in unhappy relationships, we tend to judge our partner for these differences.

It’s easy to get stuck on the ‘negatives’ we notice in someone and it tends to be a snowball.

The more we focus on the things we don’t like, the more we find and the more they annoy us.

Rebuild appreciation in your relationship by turning your attention to some of the positive things your partner brings to the relationship – and your life. His laid-back nature may actually be of benefit to you in some ways.

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Rebuild your appreciation of the positive things your partner brings to the relationship.

3. Create shared meaning together

Being aligned on life goals and creating shared meaning together is vital for the long-term success of a relationship. It’s important that you each feel supported in your roles and goals.

As you prepare to enter this new stage of your relationship, now is an ideal time to sit down and discuss what your goals are, the vision you each have for your family and how you intend to make it work together.

If after addressing the issues I’ve mentioned, you decide that your marriage isn’t workable, it will be a difficult and painful process. But by making the effort to improve your relationship first, you’ll at least have clarity on your decision and will know you’ve done everything possible to make it work.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sex Therapist and Sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]