Relationship Rehab: ‘Painful’ reason wife can’t stand hubby

The woman said she loves her husband “so much”, but there’s a growing problem that’s causing the couple friction.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles how couples in lockdown can avoid letting pandemic pressures impact their relationship.

QUESTION: I live in Sydney where we’re in the midst of another painful lockdown. Last time around my husband and I got so sick of each other we started to talk about getting divorced … but then lockdown eased and life went back to normal. I love him so much but being with him all day is driving me potty. He’s loud on work calls, doesn’t clean up after himself and eats everything he can find without replenishing it. I keep going out for walks just to get away from him. What can I do to make sure this lockdown doesn’t end in divorce?

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ANSWER: I feel for you. Lockdown can be tough and it puts increased pressure on relationships.

Beginning in China, following their first lockdown, we’ve seen a spike in divorce rates around the world due to the pandemic. Lockdown adds to individual stress and increases pressure on a relationship. For some couples increased time together has brought out issues they were unaware of, while for others, it’s brought to a head issues that have been simmering under the surface.

Regardless of how much you might love each other, the circumstances of lockdown are likely to test your patience for each other at some point.

Here are my suggestions for managing the strain and avoiding a post-pandemic divorce.

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Lockdown can put pressure on relationships by bring to a head issues that have been simmering beneath the surface. Picture: iStock

Make space where and when you can

Your strategy of going for walks to have time away from your husband is a good one.

While under ‘normal’ circumstances, I encourage couples to spend more meaningful time together, throughout lockdown, most couples have needed just the opposite – time apart.

Every relationship requires a balance of ‘togetherness’ and ‘independence’. While every couple will have their ideal balance, having both is important to harmonious relating and to sexual desire.

In lockdown, this means consciously creating time apart – and being intentional about spending time together.

• Find time apart where you can

• Go for separate walks

• Take turns doing the shopping

• Set up separate work spaces

• Wear headphones while you’re working

• Consider creating specific times when you are together

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Consciously creating time apart and then having intentional time together can make relationship more harmonious during a pandemic. Picture: iStock

Manage your own general wellbeing

While not directly related to your relationship, keeping a sense of structure and normality is important for our mental wellbeing. This can help ease pressure and stress on your relationship.

• Try to keep to your regular routine as much as you can

• Have regular mealtimes

• Exercise each day

• Have set time for relaxing

Talk about what you need

Unfortunately, research has shown that the pandemic has amplified the inequities in the mental and emotional load placed on women – exactly what you’re experiencing now.

In regard to these issues of cleanliness and shopping, I suggest having a conversation with your partner so that he might share some of that load.

How you raise these issues with your husband will be important to how it’s received. John Gottman, who has studied couples for over 40 years in his ‘Love Lab’ has found that there are certain styles of communication that will erode a relationship and ways of sharing things that can enhance a relationship.

Criticism, focusing on the flaws in your husband or what he’s doing ‘wrong’ will place greater strain on your relationship and jeopardise your chance of really being heard.
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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

Instead, use the follow two-step process for sharing a complaint:

1: Share the emotion that you have in regard to the issue. In this case, it sounds like you’re frustrated and upset when you see mess in the house or notice that you’re out of snacks.

2. Share your underlying need. This will be slightly different for everyone. For some people, it’s a need to have a tidy house so they feel like they can think clearly. For others, the need is to feel valued for what they do trying to manage the house. For others again, it’s the feeling like you’re a team, sharing the household chores.

Regardless of what your need is, the point is to focus on what you want and why you want it, rather than what you partner is currently doing wrong.

Accept that your sex life will be impacted

While you didn’t mention this in your question, I know it’s an often unspoken issue for many couples. Stress often causes a decrease in sexual desire levels, as does too much familiarity and loss of fun – all of which you’re likely to be experiencing.

Much of my work is focused on helping people rediscover their sexual desire for each other, but my advice has been very different during lockdown. I encourage you or anyone feeling that their sex life has taken a nose dive to be gentle on themselves right now. Understand and accept that a drop in desire and sexual frequency is normal under these circumstances.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sex Therapist and Sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]