Relationship Rehab: Woman’s ‘infuriating’ issue with husband

They’ve been married for eight years but lately she’s been struggling with a secret that’s left her husband “upset and confused”.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie addresses the concerns of a woman who finds her husband annoying to be around – should they break up?

QUESTION: I’ve been with my husband for 11 years, married for eight, and I’ve got to the point where I can’t stand to be in the same room as him. I can’t point my finger to when or why I started to feel this way but now everything he does annoys me. The way he chews his food, the fact he doesn’t wash his hands properly after going to the loo, the noises he makes when he’s concentrating – I find it all infuriating. I’m increasingly trying to avoid spending time with him and he is understandably upset and confused. I used to love everything about him and don’t understand why this happened. What can I do to stop myself finding my husband so annoying?

ANSWER: Growing frustration with your spouse is common in a long-term relationship and there are steps you can take to overcome it.

At the beginning of a relationship, our bodies are flooded with a cocktail of hormones and endorphins that help us feel ‘in love’ and bonded to someone. This neurochemical cocktail also means we’re more accommodating, understanding and, at times, more trusting.

But as the honeymoon period fades and your partner becomes (a little too) familiar, your generosity and flexibility with them can fade too, which is exactly what you’re noticing now.

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Growing frustration with your partner is common in long term relationships. Picture: iStock.

The real reason couples break up

Most couples don’t break up because of big betrayals or huge arguments, they end because couples drift apart.

You’ve been together for a substantial period of time now, and I have no doubt your life has changed significantly. You might have noticed that as you’ve settled into your life and relationship together, things have become more routine.

You spend time together, but it’s not the fun, playful time you used to have. There are more obligations to juggle together (and separately). You might have noticed you’ve stopped making as much effort for each other as you did in the early stages.

As a relationship progresses, small disagreements can build up – like pebbles in your shoe that you can’t get out. Couples may find that instead of having a shouting argument about something, they avoid difficult discussions and keep upsets to themselves. Issues can bubble under the surface – or become the elephant in the room.

These small changes can impact your sense of friendship, fondness and admiration for each other and lead to a phenomenon couples therapists call ‘Negative Sentiment Override’, which is what I think you’re experiencing right now.
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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

When (almost) everything seems negative

Negative Sentiment Override occurs when there’s been a breakdown in connection and difficulties in communication are being experienced. It causes you to see things that your partner does as negative – even when they’re not.

Negative Sentiment Override is like looking at your partner through a lens of negativity – kind of the opposite to rose-coloured glasses.

You expect negativity, you’re primed for it and it influences the way you see your partner and how you interact with them. Everything they do seems negative to you – either annoying or hurtful in some way. In turn, you may be critical, defensive or withdrawn.

You can both be in Negative Sentiment Override or, just one of you. But whether it’s one of you or both, it has a huge impact on the relationship.

How to bring back love and affection

Turning Negative Sentiment Override around allows you to see more of the positives in each other and the relationship again.

To recover from negative sentiment override:

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It is possible to bring back love and affection in your relationship. Picture: iStock.

Look for what you appreciate in your partner

You’ve been with your husband for 11 years. Despite the annoyance you’re currently feeling, there’s obviously a lot about him that you love. Turn your attention to the things you appreciate about your partner.

The more you focus on looking for things, the more you tend to find.

Aim to share one thing that you appreciate about your husband with him every day. I have a fun game that I teach couples around this, but it’s enough to just tell them something you appreciate.

Find ways to bring fun and playfulness back

Enjoying fun and playfulness together is actually an important part of bonding – and it’s found to be an essential element in an enjoyable sex life.

Look for ways that you can have fun together again. Consider going on dates together or bringing in ways to be playful together into everyday life.

Turn towards bids for attention

What ‘turning towards bids for attention’ means is that when your partner says something to you, you respond. It’s paying attention to each other and responding when they make an attempt to connect with you. It shows them that you value them, are willing to be present to them and respond to their needs.

This habit of happy couples was discovered by Dr John Gottman while he was studying couples in his ‘Love Lab’ and found that happy couples ‘turn towards’ each other 87 per cent of the time, while unhappy couples ‘turn towards’ just 33 per cent of the time.

Process disagreements and issues

Conflict itself isn’t a bad sign in a relationship, what’s important is that you learn to do it in a healthy, productive way. If you don’t, little things will simmer.

Learn to raise issues with your partner without being critical or defensive. If you do have fights or hurtful incidents together, make sure you talk about them and process them so that you both feel heard and understood.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sex Therapist and Sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]