‘I’m happily married but can’t stop having this confusing sex fantasy’

Despite being happily married this man can’t stop having one particular sex fantasy – and he’s confused about what it means.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a wife busted sending naked pictures to other men, a woman who has never orgasmed during sex and when to know a long-term relationship has run its course.

I can’t stop fantasising about being with someone transgender

Question: I’ve been with my wife for 20 years and I really love her. We have a great sex life and I wouldn’t change anything about her. The issue is that I often fantasise about sleeping with someone who is transgender (which my wife isn’t) and I find it a bit confusing. I’m not even sure if I’d want to act on these fantasies but I can’t stop having them. What does this mean?

Answer: Sexual fantasies can tap deep into the core of our psyche. They can be a source of excitement, and at times, confusion, frustration or even disgust.

Sexual fantasies can be a door to understanding our deepest desires – both in and out of the bedroom. At times, our fantasies can point to things that our logical mind doesn’t understand, giving us deep insight into ourselves.

Fantasies can also be a source of inspiration for sexual play, helping couples expand their repertoire or engage in dirty talk.

Sexual fantasies can give a deep insight into ourselves.

Yet, many people also have fantasies that they don’t want to act out. That’s perfectly normal.

I can’t tell you exactly what your fantasies mean, but I can offer some suggestions and questions that can help you gain clarity.

Fantasies don’t necessarily mean anything about your relationship

Many people can wonder what it means when they fantasise about someone who isn’t their partner. It’s common to fantasise about someone who isn’t your partner. I hear that you really love you wife. Please know that this fantasy doesn’t necessarily mean anything about your relationship.

Fantasies don’t mean the sex you’re having isn’t good enough

I also hear you enjoy sex with your wife. Sometimes people can worry about sharing a fantasy with their partner in case their partner interprets it as sex not being good enough. That isn’t necessarily the case at all.

Just because you fantasise about being with someone else, it doesn’t always mean you’re unhappy.

You can’t always control your fantasies and desires

Sexual fantasies and desires are often outside of our control. What we can control is whether we act on them.

At times, understanding underlying meanings of a fantasy can reduce the frequency and intensity of the thoughts and help you gain clarity on how to proceed.

Ask questions to gain understanding of your fantasy

Sexual fantasies are often like dreams, in that they can be symbolic rather than literal.

Both men and women have shared with me how their fantasies about being dominated in the bedroom speak to a longing to lose control in their life.

A male client once insightfully shared that his fantasy of watching someone else have sex with his wife (being cuckolded) was about not having to be the strong male for a change.

One successful women recently shared with me that she believes her sexual fantasies about being with a women were symbolic of her desire for more softness and nurturing in her life.

One of my favourite books on human sexuality The Erotic Mind, by Jack Morin also discusses how our underlying sexual desires can emerge from events that happen early in our lives as our sexuality is developing.

As a therapist, I would be holding all of these possibilities open in a discussion with you. Consider the following questions – or journal about them to gain clarity on the underlying meanings for you.

How long have you been having these fantasies? Is there something that triggered them? What else was going on in your life when they developed?

What are the emotions (such as joy, nervousness, guilt, anger) being felt by you or others in your fantasy?

What does someone who is transgender represent for you?

What do you think makes this fantasy so exciting for you? (Or if it isn’t exciting what makes it distasteful?)

Consider whether you want to share this with your wife

For some people sharing their fantasies with a partner can enhance intimacy and can expand sexual play. Depending on your relationship, you may want to make a decision to share this with your wife.

It may lead to more pleasure together. I can also understand if this is something you want to keep to yourself.

Reach out to a therapist if you need to

If your fantasies continue to be persistent or troubling, I recommend reaching out to a Sexologist or Sex Therapist for support.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sex Therapist and Sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.