Relationship Rehab: ‘Distracting’ workplace sex fantasy

Their boss is “not available”, but it hasn’t stopped this employee from being preoccupied with sex fantasies about them at work.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles an employee struggling with a distracting workplace crush.

QUESTION: I work in a very corporate environment where we’re expected to almost be like robots. My boss seems to have a soft spot for me and says kind thing when no one else is listening. I’ve recently realised that I have a huge crush on my boss – I fantasise about having sex with him all the time and it’s distracting me from my work. I would never act on my fantasy and he’s not available. Is this fantasising normal? And what can I do to make myself stop continually thinking about it!?

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ANSWER: It makes sense that you’d develop a crush on someone who’s both kind to you and markedly different from other people in that environment. Your excessive thinking about him and fantasising are normal under the circumstances.

It’s going to take a lot of willpower and some practical steps to get over your crush.

Understand how your brain chemistry is contributing

It can be helpful to understand what happens to your brain chemistry when you have a crush. Having a crush on someone activates the reward centres of your brain and you experience the effects of a cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters that are released.

One of these is dopamine, responsible for reward and motivation. Dopamine gives us a euphoric feeling that our brain loves. You get a rush of dopamine when you’re even just thinking about your crush, making them seem almost addictive.

Because your brain craves dopamine, it will draw you into thinking about them persistently, constantly releasing dopamine.

Your feelings for your boss and him being kind to you are also giving your levels of oxytocin a boost. While this is most often released due to physical touch (and during labour and breastfeeding), it’s also released through social connection, witnessing kindness and having a crush. Oxytocin is another feel-good hormone that helps us feel more trusting, generous and connected to people – in this case, your boss.

So right now, your brain sees your boss as the course of a whole lot of feel good endorphins that keep it focused on him.
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Fantasising about someone is a normal experience. Picture: iStock.

Know that fantasising is normal

The rush of hormones and endorphins we experience during a crush or early in a relationship also tend to increase our sexual desire. Fantasising about someone at this point is totally normal – though not particularly helpful for you moving on.

A crush needs the possibility of potential – squash it

There’s another aspect of having a crush too – the potential for something to happen. When we have a crush on someone, somewhere in our mind we hope or believe that we might have a chance with them, despite what our logical brain knows. As you’ve already done, keep reminding yourself that this won’t, and can’t, go anywhere.

Remind yourself of the reality of the situation.

Crushes happen when we don’t yet know someone well – and we tend to idealise them. Overtime when you find yourself thinking about your boss, remind yourself that although he seems great right now, the reality of being in a relationship with him would be very different. Consider what some of the less appealing realities of having a relationship with him would be. This will help snap yourself out of your fantasies when they arise.

Practice mindfulness and be kind to yourself

Don’t beat yourself up when you do notice yourself thinking about him. It won’t help you get over it faster – or make you feel better. Mindfully accept that you have these feelings right now. Take some deep breaths and remind yourself that it’s okay but that you’re committed to moving on.

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Reaching out to others outside the workplace can be helpful in getting over any crushes. Picture: iStock

Talk to someone outside the office

Sometimes hearing ourselves say something out loud can help bring us back down to earth. Consider sharing how you feel with someone you trust – outside your office who’ll support you in moving on.

Do other things that make you feel good

Sometimes distraction is a great tool for getting over someone. Also do other things that make you feel good and that give you a sense of reward so that you’re getting your fix of feel-good endorphins from other sources. Getting out and doing things you love will also increase your chances of meeting other people.

Reach out to other people for connection

Reaching out to your friends and making other connections can serve as a distraction, give you a sense of stability and help you get a release of oxytocin.
Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.