Relationship Rehab: Sex fantasy that makes woman ‘nervous’

The couple have been talking about it for so long they now plan to act out their X-rated fantasy – but there’s just one problem.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a woman who is nervous about acting out a fantasy with her boyfriend.

Question: My partner and I have been talking about having a threesome. At first it was really just like a fantasy, but now he really wants it to happen. I like the idea (I’ve kissed women before and like to watch lesbian porn) but I feel so nervous about it. What can I do?

Firstly, let me congratulate you on sharing (at least some of) your sexual fantasies with each other.

Sharing fantasies with each other is a great way to build intimacy and to maintain fun and excitement in the bedroom. Sharing sexual fantasies are a way of giving each other insight into your sexual world. It can be incredibly sexy to hear a partner verbalising their most intimate desires.

Once you’ve taken the step of sharing a fantasy (and it’s perfectly normal to have fantasies that you don’t want to share), you then get to decide whether you want to act it out. Some fantasies can involve just the two of you – either performing different sexual acts that were part of your fantasy or in a role play situation.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

Some, obviously, can involve other people, which is where things get a bit more complicated. While something can seem really fun when we play it out in our mind, the reality can be more complicated and involve a lot more emotions than we might have thought.

You’re not alone in having a threesome as a sexual fantasy. According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, having a threesome is one of the most common sexual fantasies people have – though much fewer people act this out.

Speaking as someone who’s had threesomes, I can tell you that they can be fun and intimate, but a little nerve-racking.

If you are going to act out a threesome, here are some things to keep in mind:

Choose your third person wisely

One of my threesomes was with friends of one who were a couple. While it all worked out well for me, many people caution against having a threesome with someone that you already know due to the possibility of one of you developing feelings.

So consider carefully if you choose a friend. Other couples meet their third on apps (some of which are specifically designed for this purpose) or at a bar. It goes without saying that you both need to feel comfortable with the person you choose.

If you have a threesome it’s important to chose the third person carefully. Picture: iStock.

Set clear guidelines

I cannot stress enough the need for open communication and clear guidelines if you do choose to go ahead with this. One of the biggest mistakes people make with engaging in a threesome (or an open relationship) is underestimating the amount of communication required.

You’ll need to be clear on who can do what with whom, what to do if one of you is feeling uncomfortable and what the rules are for afterwards, ie seeing them again or forming an ongoing relationship.

Don’t forget to discuss these with your third so they know what to expect too.

Give yourself an out (or a safe word)

As with any sexual act that you engage in, you can change your mind and say no at any time. A safe word can be a good way of letting each other that you’re not okay with what’s happening without having to find a whole lot of words. Having this as a kind of ‘safety plan’ can help build your confidence and help you feel more comfortable.

Acting out a sexual fantasy for the first time might not be as exciting as it seems in real life. Picture: iStock.

Make it safe

While you might not normally use protection with each other, consider what methods of safer sex you’ll need with the third person. Also be mindful about being under the influence of drugs or too much alcohol. While it can help you feel more relaxed in the moment, it can also pave the way for regret later on.

A word of warning though moving a fantasy into reality isn’t always as exciting as it first seems. While acting out sexual fantasies can add variety and playfulness to your sex life, sometimes it’s better to leave our fantasies as just that.

Making this decision is going to require a lot of conversation to make sure you both feel comfortable. Talking through some of the logistics and guidelines and seeing how your partner responds to your concerns will likely give you a clearer idea of whether you feel safe turning this fantasy into reality.

There is no right and wrong on this, just make sure you feel comfortable if you do choose to go ahead.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]