‘I don’t want sex with my husband – he’s taking it personally’

A woman has described why she doesn’t want to have sex with her husband anymore and how he’s “taking it personally”.

It’s really common for someone to take their partner’s lack of desire personally.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tells a menopausal woman she is not alone in being off sex.

Question: I’m going through menopause and it is having a really damaging impact on my sex life. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and our sex life used to be good but my lack of libido and the pain during intercourse is making it almost unbearable to have sex with him. I don’t think he understands what is happening in my body and he is taking it personally. I want to have a good sex life but I just can’t imagine enjoying it at the moment. What can I do to save my sex life and my marriage?

It’s really common for someone to take their partner’s lack of desire personally. Picture: Monkeybusinessimages/iStock

Answer: Menopause can impact your sex life as changes to hormones and bodily function can increase pain and decrease sensation. But going through menopause doesn’t necessarily mean that your sex life is over for good. Many couples continue to enjoy sexual intimacy well into older age. Sexual function changes throughout our lives. During and following menopause hormonal changes, additional health complications and changes to bodily functions can particularly impact your sex life.

Menopause can lead to

• Changed libido

• Difficulty lubricating

• Diminished sensation and arousal

• Pain during sex

• Difficulty reaching orgasm

For some women libido can actually increase after menopause as they gain confidence in themselves and let go of what others think. Either way, sex life does tend to change as couples adjust to their changing bodies.

It’s really common for someone to take their partner’s lack of desire personally.

Although your feelings for your husband likely haven’t changed – you might even love him more after all these years together – he may be questioning whether you still lust for him. Often, underneath feelings of frustration about a partner’s lack of desire are a fear of rejection, being unwanted and unloved. Keeping this in mind can help you have more understanding conversations with your husband.

By building understanding together, you can reduce negative emotions. Picture: PeopleImages/iStock

Here’s what you can do to enjoy sex following menopause:

Talk to your partner

Most of us struggle to talk about sex. It’s a difficult topic that can stir up uncomfortable feelings like guilt, shame and anxiety. But being able to talk openly and honestly about sex is one of the most important factors for maintaining a satisfying sex life throughout your lives.

By building understanding together, you can reduce negative emotions and work on this as a team.

Feeling like your husband understands what you’re going through will help you feel more comfortable and relaxed. Being able to ask for what you need during sex can help you reduce any pain and help you relax and actually enjoy yourself.

Feeling he is understood can also help your husband stop taking it personally and be able to support what you need.

You’ll need to have more than one conversation about this and constantly work together to take action that feels good for both of you.

Take your time during sex

Women’s bodies need time in order to fully prepare for penetration sex – at least 20 minutes of foreplay is ideal. This becomes increasingly important following menopause and you may benefit from spending even more time in foreplay.

Slowing down sex allows you to increase arousal, lubricate more and relax. This can reduce your chance of feeling pain and increase your likelihood of reaching orgasm.

It’s really common for someone to take their partner’s lack of desire personally.

Use lubricant

Lubricant can enhance sensation for women of any age. This is especially true following menopause when a reduction in oestrogen reduces lubrication and causes a thinning of the vaginal lining. Using a high quality water-based or silicone lubricant can help.

Consider a vaginal moisturiser

Regular use of a vaginal moisturiser can also help. Many are available over the counter. You can also speak to a medical practitioner for advice on which one is right for you.

Talk to a health practitioner

It may be helpful to speak to your doctor or gynaecologist to get support on any general health issues you’re experiencing and to get support to manage pain.

Seeing a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist can also be helpful for managing pelvic floor issues that arise during menopause.

Explore different ways to enjoy yourself

Sex doesn’t have to involve penetration. There are many other ways to be sexually intimate. Explore together with your partner to find ways you can enjoy yourself beyond the missionary.

Consider a pleasure toy

Using sex toys can enhance pleasure and arousal. Consider using a clitoral vibrator or suction sex toy to increase your sexual enjoyment.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.