‘We agreed we didn’t want kids. My husband has changed his mind’

A woman says she is “waiting for her biological clock to run out” after her husband did a massive U-turn on what they agreed.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a woman who does not want kids but her husband does.

QUESTION: I’m a 37-year-old woman and I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. He provides me with everything I want and need from a relationship and I’m wildly happy.

Over the past few years, a lot of our friends have had babies and my partner has expressed an interest in starting a family but I keep avoiding the topic.

I don’t want a baby and I didn’t think he did either - that’s what we both agreed on when we got together. At this point in time, I feel like I’m waiting for my biological clock to run out which I know isn’t fair on my husband but I’m frightened I’m going to lose him. What do I do?

ANSWER: It’s understandable that you feel shocked and scared about your husband’s change of mind. You thought you’d agreed on something and now you’re finding out otherwise.

I know it’s tempting to avoid difficult issues in a relationship and hope they eventually pass. Unfortunately, this tends to leave unresolved issues that cause tension and resentment.

Even though it feels uncomfortable, you need to talk this through - and it will take a number of conversations to do this.

It’s unlikely that your husband has been intentionally misleading you about his desires. It’s not uncommon for people to change their mind about having kids - even when they’ve been entirely certain before. It’s also okay for you to stay firm in your decision. Neither of you are in the wrong here.

The decision on whether or not to have children is an emotionally loaded topic, especially when partners have different desires for having kids.

The reality is that different views on whether or not to have kids might mean that you end up going your separate ways, but it doesn’t necessarily need to either. There are ways that you can navigate this together.

The decision on whether or not to have children is an emotionally loaded topic. Picture: iStock

Aim for understanding before action

Rather than just trying to reach an outcome or an agreement on what to do, aim to really understand each other’s perspectives on this.

There are complex emotions underneath for both of you. It’s important that you both feel heard, understood and empathised with.

Tell your partner what you’ve noticed

A helpful way to start is by simply telling your husband that you’ve noticed him mentioning an interest in starting a family and that you want to talk about it with him. Be honest, but gentle.

Share your own emotions

Understandably, this might be a worrying conversation for you. Naming our fear about having a conversation to the person we’re talking to can help them soften and open to hearing us more.

Let your partner know that this is a scary conversation for you because he means so much to you and you’re worried that this might mean losing him.

Share your own emotions. Picture: iStock

Ask questions to help you understand your partner’s perspective

Having kids might be a deep desire for your partner, or it might be more of a passing fantasy. Your husband may not fully understand what he wants, so asking questions can help you both reach clarity. But make sure you’re asking in a way that encourages him to open up, rather than feel like he’s being interrogated.

Hear your partner out

During difficult conversations, we can make the mistake of arguing with or trying to counteract what our partner is saying. We do this in the hope our partner will agree with us and we’ll have harmony, but unfortunately, it can leave them feeling unheard and resentful.

All relationships have areas that partners don’t necessarily agree on but feeling heard by each other makes a big difference to the long term stability of the relationship.

When we feel like we’re being listened to, we feel calmer, even if the other person doesn’t agree with us.

Try to really listen to your husband and understand his point of view (even if you don’t agree or like it), rather than trying to argue or convince him of your perspective.

Hear your partner out. Picture: iStock

Expect this to be an ongoing conversation

This is a complex issue. It will take more than one conversation to understand each other and decide how to move forward.

Your husband may realise that he’s okay not having a family, in which case him being heard will help avoid any resentment later on.

You both might also find ways that you can create ‘family’ together that don’t involve having kids, such as making friends’ kids or nieces and nephews an important part of your lives.

If he decides he really does want kids, you of course then have a lot of talk about together. But first things first - start with a conversation.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.