‘My wife told me that I’m not pulling my weight – and I’m shocked’

A man has revealed a big problem in his happy marriage that until recently “just never crossed my mind”.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a man whose wife is concerned he’s not pulling his weight around the house.

QUESTION: I’ve been with my wife for 15 years and we have two beautiful kids. I’ve always thought our relationship is quite fair. We both work long hours but I always do my fair share of cooking and cleaning. I honestly thought I was something of a feminist man!

However, she recently snapped and told me that I’m not pulling my weight. She said there are loads of things that I don’t even take into account, like organising the kids for school, sorting presents for birthday parties, answering WhatsApp messages from family and friends, organising family holidays … the list went on.

She had obviously been stewing on this for quite some time and it all came spilling out. I feel like a fool and I want to do better but honestly, these things just never crossed my mind before she pointed them out. How do I begin to make sure everything is fairly split?

ANSWER: It’s wonderful that you’re asking this. Many men who’ve been told they’re not pulling their weight at home can become defensive. Your willingness to listen and take action is a really positive sign for your relationship.

Women still carry more of the mental and emotional load

Despite changes in the household division of labour over the past few decades, recent research has shown that men do 21 hours less than women in unpaid household labour tasks each week.

Men also tend to take on less of the ‘unseen work’ such as household planning, organising and emotional soothing of children.

Men tend to over-estimate the amount of household work they do

As I wrote recently, men also tend to over-estimate the amount of household chores they do. Women tend to focus more on relationships than men and are judged on their ‘housekeeping’ more than men, so it’s not surprising that women put more focus onto this.

I want to acknowledge your proactivity in looking for what you can do differently.

How men can take on more of the mental load

Many men in your situation wanting to step up and share the burden end up asking their wives how they can ‘help’. Unfortunately, this often leaves women in the role of manager still having to do the ‘thinking’ about what has to be done. Taking initiative is important.

I don’t know exactly how chores are arranged in your household and you may already do some of these things, but here are some ways that you could pick up more of the mental and emotional load.

It isn’t just helping with housework that is needed, but taking on some of the mental load of managing a household. Picture: iStock

Pay attention to how your wife cleans

Does she clean something more often than you? Does she spend longer doing it? It’s OK to have different styles, but pay attention to the frequency and standard of cleaning that she does.

Take over payment of bills and household admin

Juggling payments, due dates and budgets can take huge emotional energy.

Meal plan, prep and shop

It’s not just cooking that takes energy, it’s planning meals, knowing who likes to eat what and making sure it’s all there in the fridge ready to go.

Connect with your kids

Unfortunately, many men can end up in the ‘fun’ role, while a female partner ends up with the responsibilities. Take time to connect with your kids, know what’s going on in their life and be proactive in attending to their emotional needs. Ask them questions about what’s coming up for them. Take them on your own for substantial periods of time.

Take responsibility for family/social relationships

Join the family WhatsApp, reach out to family and friends, know whose birthday is coming up, be proactive in arranging details if you’re going out.

Arrange a babysitter if you’re going out on a date

Want to take your wife out? Arrange everything, including who will look after the kids.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

Ensure your wife gets time to herself

Women tend to be responsible for the kids’ emotional needs – and that’s a kind of unceasing mental work.

Men who work full-time aren’t ‘getting time off’ while they’re at work, but they are getting a different kind of mental and social interaction and often have a few precious moments to themselves on the commute to and from work or in a lunch break.

Take the kids for half a day to make sure your partner gets genuine time for herself.

Read up on feminism and gender norms

Stay open and willing to learn about your wife’s and other women’s experience in the world. Understanding more about different gender norms can help you understand more about the inequality that still exists.

Make time for a relationship check-in every week

Make time to talk about what’s going on in your relationship every week. It gives you and your wife a chance to share what you’re doing well together and how you could be a better partner for each other.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.