‘I don’t want to be in a sexless marriage but my wife doesn’t want sex’

Their sex life was always “mediocre” but now it’s non-existent and this husband doesn’t think he can spend the rest of his life without sex.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a man who doesn’t want to be in a sexless marriage.

QUESTION: I’ve been with my wife for over 20 years and we’ve always had a mediocre sex life, especially since we had kids. However, she started menopause a year ago and has stopped wanting sex altogether. She’s so disinterested in doing anything physical and it’s killing me. I’m still a red-blooded male after all and being in a sexless marriage isn’t how I want to live the rest of my life. I love her but I can’t handle having no intimacy forever more. How do I approach this topic without hurting her?

ANSWER: It makes sense that you don’t want to go the rest of your life without sex. Sex is important to many people in a relationship. Sex, or lack of it, in a relationship is also a highly emotional topic, so you’ll need to approach this with sensitivity.

Sex, or lack of it, in a relationship is also a highly emotional topic, so you’ll need to approach this with sensitivity.

Mismatched libido and sexual style can cause tension in a relationship if it’s not managed well.

Lack of sexual desire and low sexual frequency can evoke complex emotions for both partners.

Unfortunately, mismatched desire levels or mismatched sexual style can lead to distance and tension in a relationship if it isn’t managed well.

There are steps you can take to overcome it, creating a tension-free relationship and satisfying sex life.

Higher desire partners feel frustrated

I can understand that you probably feel frustrated, disappointed and hurt. It might even feel like your wife isn’t attracted to you or doesn’t desire you, which is painful in a marriage.

It’s not unreasonable to want sex to be part of your relationship – or to want your partner to enjoy it.

Lower desire partners feel anxious and guilty

Your wife most likely feels guilty and anxious about her lack of sex drive and what this will do to your relationship.

While I’ve heard many low desire partners say to me “I don’t care if I never have sex again”, it’s not that simple. Their “I don’t care” attitude is normally masking guilt and shame about a lack of sexual desire and anxiety that they’re disappointing their partner.

Many lower desire partners describe sex as like a cloud hanging over them. They often think about it, knowing that it’s on their partner’s mind. The longer they go without sex, the more they can feel the pressure around it.

They want to feel turned on, but they don’t. It’s frustrating and confusing for them.

Unfortunately, many low desire partners withdraw from physical touch altogether because they’re afraid that it might give their partner the ‘wrong idea’ and lead to a request for sex, disappointing everyone or leading to a fight.

Couples often find that they either argue about the issue or try to ignore it because it seems too hard to talk about and they’re not sure what they can do to fix it.

Higher desire partners feel frustrated. Picture: istock

There are steps you can take to manage mismatched sexual desire

1. Talk about it together

Your wife probably thinks there’s something wrong with her for her loss of desire. If it isn’t approached with sensitivity, she’s likely to respond defensively about it.

When raising this issue with her, it’s really important that you don’t blame her for the mismatch in your desire levels. If she feels like you’re willing to work on this with her, without blame or judgement, she’ll be more open to talking it through and taking steps to address it.

2. Understand how sexual desire works

For women, sexual desire is contextual. This means that the context, what’s going on around us, impacts our desire to have sex.

While your desire sounds ‘spontaneous’, hers is more likely to be ‘responsive’. This means it responds to things going on around her.

A helpful way to consider it is that her desire is like a car. It has ‘brakes’ that inhibit her desire and ‘accelerators’ that increase it. Unfortunately, if there are a number of ‘brakes’ on, it will appear that the accelerator doesn’t work.

Talk about it together.

3. Reduce sexual brakes

Rather than taking steps to increase your wife’s desire, it’s first important to understand and address what might be blocking it.

Some examples of sexual brakes’ that impact women are:

– Negative beliefs about sex from childhood or religion

– Past negative sexual experiences

– Exhaustion and tiredness that go with motherhood

– Changed body and body image

– Stress for any reason

– Painful sex (including pain due to the hormonal changes of menopause)

– Relationship tension

– Feeling like sex is an obligation

– Not feeling confident about sex

4. Increase sexual accelerators

Everyone will have different accelerators – and some will work at different times.

Here are some accelerators you can experiment with once you’ve addressed some of the brakes:

– Feeling a partner’s support around the house

– Feeling close and connected to a partner

– Enjoying physical touch (like hugging, a massage or kissing) without the pressure of it going anywhere

– Wearing lingerie

– Being able to talk about sex openly and honestly

Seek help if you’re struggling

Solving issues around sex can be challenging on your own. This is the most common issue that I support couples with in therapy. If you are struggling, know that support is available and it can make a big difference to your relationship and sexual satisfaction.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah fill out the form below.