‘My best friend slept with my ex’

A woman whose friend supported her through a traumatic break-up then turned around and did the worst possible thing.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a woman whose best friend slept with her ex.

Question: Throughout my last break-up, one of my best friends was my rock. She listened to me cry and I confided my feelings in her. Recently, I went away for the weekend and she went out with some mates and says she got “pretty drunk”. While out, she bumped into my ex and they all got talking, which I don’t have an issue with at all. What I do have an issue with is that my friend – someone who I have shared my heartbreak with – then kissed and went home and had sex with my ex.

She didn’t tell me right away and only confessed when a mutual friend text me to say she saw them leaving a club hand in hand and kissing.

I’m so distraught. I only broke up with my ex six months ago so it’s still very raw. I never imagined one of my best friends would betray me in this way. How do I move on from this? I don’t want to lose our friendship but I can’t trust her.

Answer: It makes sense that you feel betrayed and distraught by this.

Your friend knew the extent of your feelings for your ex and the hurt you’ve felt after the break up. You’ve been vulnerable with her and now she’s done something to hurt you.

Relationships, including friendships, can recover from betrayals. But it’s going to take time and effort on both sides.

‘My friend slept with my ex after supporting me through the break-up’. Picture: iStock.

Why betrayal is so painful

Being betrayed is one of the most painful experiences we can go through. We can only feel betrayed by someone we feel close to, which is part of why it’s so painful.

In betrayal, our trust that someone will consider our needs is broken in a major way. Someone that should be the source of comfort for us, becomes the source of our pain.

We feel that something that was solid in our world no longer is. It’s confusing and disorienting. It can result in us feeling anger, anxiety, disappointment and distress.

Although it’s someone else’s actions that hurt us, we can doubt our own judgment at trusting the other person to begin with. We can end up questioning ourselves and wondering if we can trust our own thoughts.

In some cases, it can even cause betrayal trauma.

This is true whether it’s a friend, partner or family member that has betrayed us.

Instead of feeling like your friend is on your side, you’re now uncertain about whether she really cares about your needs. Like many instances of betrayal, the initial breaking of trust has been made worse by your friend not being honest and upfront after the initial incident.

Having your best friend sleep with your ex is a betrayal. Picture: iStock.

I say all of this, because I don’t want either of you to diminish or ‘write off’ the impact that something like this can have on you – even if she was drunk. It makes sense that you’re hurt.

So, what to do when a friend betrays you?

Reflect on your friendship

While it is possible to recover from betrayal and repair a relationship, your first questions should be around whether it’s really in your best interest to do so.

This can be a complex decision.

I encourage you to reflect on your friendship overall. Has anything like this happened before? Has your friend let you down in any other ways? Are there any red flags in your friendship that you’ve been ignoring?

Can you forgive a friend who sleeps with your ex? Picture: iStock.

If you feel there’s enough good in this friendship to repair it, follow with the next steps.

Talk through it together

If you decide you want your friend in your life and can see this betrayal as being a one-off event, you’ll need to talk it through.

When we’ve been betrayed, it’s helpful to know that the person betraying us understands the pain they’ve caused. It may also help you to understand exactly what was going on for your friend when they made the decision to hook up with your ex.

Consider whether your friend is sorry

An important part of a relationship recovering from any betrayal is feeling like the betraying person is genuinely sorry for what they’ve done and that they want to make amends.

Is your friend planning on seeing your ex again? Has your friend apologised? Do they seem genuinely sorry? The answers to these questions make a difference.

Also consider whether your friend is really taking responsibility for their actions. If they’re blaming others, downplaying it or making excuses, it’s a worrying sign that they may do something similar in future.

Take time to rebuild trust

Rebuilding trust takes time. Your relationship will be changed by this. You’ll need to see your friend make an effort to regain your trust over time.

Build a broader support network

Reach out to the other supportive people you have in your life right now and strengthen your connections with them. Having a strong support system can help you recover from betrayal and regain trust in yourself.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah fill out the form below.