‘My wife quit her job and spends my money on cake and makeup’

An Aussie man who supported his wife after she quit her job has revealed that he’s now stewing about what she spends his money on.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears about a man who’s mad about what his wife is spending her money on.

QUESTION: My wife left her job about a year ago after years of being unhappy. I was all for her quitting and taking some time to find out what she really wanted to do. The only thing is, she seems to have gotten too comfortable with not working. She sleeps in all morning and then potters around until I come home – she isn’t applying for jobs.

Money is also a big problem. She keeps buying $5 coffees and $10 slices of cake to “cheer” herself up and she recently dropped $220 at Sephora on new makeup. I resent her spending my hard-earned money. I want to be supportive but it feels like she’s taking the p**s. How do I talk to her about finding work and not spending money on rubbish?

ANSWER: Firstly, I love that you were able to make the decision for her to quit work together. It shows a lot of care, support and mutual understanding. I can understand however that you’re beginning to grow resentful. It sounds like her “time off” has been much longer than you expected.

My therapist mind will always go to trying to understand what’s going on underneath someone’s behaviour. I hear you that see it as her “being too comfortable” not working, but I don’t think that’s the full story.

People always make sense when we understand their story

Sleeping in, buying cake to “cheer up” and not taking clear action to move forward are all signs of depression. I don’t know if your wife is depressed, but I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that something is going on for her.

I wonder if she feels afraid to take a new step, if her confidence is lacking, or if there’s something else going on. People always make sense when we understand their story.

Understanding why someone is behaving a certain way doesn’t mean that you have to be okay with it, but it can help you approach a conversation with them with more empathy.

It’s understandable that you feel resentful

It sounds like you’re working hard to earn your money. It makes sense that seeing your wife spend it on things that seem frivolous to you would be frustrating for you.

Share how you’re feeling without blame or criticism

When we’re criticising, judging or blaming someone, they’re less likely to want to listen to what we’re saying and more likely to respond with defensiveness or to shut down. Regardless of who is right or wrong, judgment and blame will cause friction and damage a relationship.

Your wife likely already feels guilty or sensitive about what’s happening (even if she hasn’t told you that). I think you realise you’ll have to approach this gently so you don’t make her feel worse.

You need to tread carefully to find out the emotions behind the spending. Picture: iStock

Start with sharing something positive

When you start talking to your wife about how you’re feeling, aim to begin with something positive.

For example:

I really admire the courage it took to leave the job you didn’t like and consider starting something new.

I see you as such a capable, amazing woman.

I love you and I really want to see you happy.

Share your emotions

Talking about emotions is one of the most important factors in strong, intimate relationships.

Sharing emotions can feel more vulnerable, but it also increases the chance of someone listening to us. Talking about emotions can take some practice – most of us aren’t used to it.

Here are some examples:

I feel anxious about our financial situation right now.

I feel concerned about you being out of work.

I’m feeling worried about you right now.

Aim for understanding before action

When we understand what’s going on underneath our behaviour, we can make more meaningful change.

Aim to understand what’s happening underneath the behaviours before you try to take action. When you can do this, you’re more likely to find a course of action that works for both of you and to feel like a team making decisions.

If you try to move to action too soon, you can feel misunderstood by each other and find yourselves having the same arguments or discussions over and over.

By asking questions to understand what’s happening for her, you’ll be in a better position to help her take action – and less likely to damage the relationship in the process.

She might not really understand herself, so your questions can also support her.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

You might ask some or all of the following questions:

Can you help me understand what’s happening for you?

How do you feel about this issue?

What’s the worst thing that can happen or what are you afraid might happen?

What do you need?

Is there anything I can do to support you?

Find a compromise together.

When you understand more about what’s happening for your wife underneath – and when she understands you, you’re in a better position to decide how to move ahead. Aim for solutions that work for both of you as best they can.

Here are some examples of compromise:

You might feel better if you agree on a temporary budget on her spending while she isn’t working.

It might be helpful for her to find a lower paying temporary job while she decides what she wants to do.

Perhaps she wants to study for a change of career, but she agrees to work part-time while doing it.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.