‘My husband cheated on me and I can’t stop checking his phone’

She forgave her husband but has been left with PTSD and paranoid and toxic thoughts, which is normal says therapist Isiah McKimmie

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a woman suffering from PTSD after she caught her husband cheating

QUESTION: Eight years ago my husband cheated on me and we worked through it and I forgave him. But I still find myself being paranoid whenever he mentions a woman at work or a new female friend from the gym.

I check his phone when he’s out of the room and drive myself mad when he’s home five minutes late, imagining him having sex with someone else.

Sometimes I take it out on him when I’ve had a particularly bad daydream about him cheating on me. How do I stop these paranoid and toxic thoughts from ruining our relationship?

ANSWER: Being cheated on is a highly traumatic experience. It’s normal to experience the impacts of this for a number of years – even if you’ve done your best to work through it.

It’s important to know that the issues you’re experiencing aren’t for you to work on alone – your husband’s support is necessary too.

Infidelity can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Being cheated on has a profound impact on your wellbeing. Discovering that the person you love has betrayed you can make you doubt the relationship, yourself and even the world as a whole.

It’s not uncommon to end up with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of infidelity.

If a partner cheat you can be left with PTSD, says Isiah McKimmie. Picture: iStock.

Some of the symptoms that people might experience are flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, intense emotions and helplessness about the future or your relationship. Sometimes, these symptoms can last for years – especially if they’re not managed well.

Be gentle on yourself

I understand that these thoughts seem ‘paranoid and toxic’ to you, but it makes sense that they’re occurring, so be gentle on yourself. This isn’t something you’re choosing to do, it’s happening because of something he did to you.

I know you don’t want to take it out on your husband, but it’s also common to become reactive towards a partner when we feel scared.

I understand you want your thoughts and behaviours to change – I’d like that for you too – but when we accept that something is happening for a reason and have compassion for ourselves, moving forward becomes easier.

You have to work on this together

It’s really important to understand that recovering from infidelity is something you need to do together (if you choose to stay together), and not on your own.

It isn’t your responsibility alone to heal from this, no matter how long it takes. Your husband has a shared responsibility and how he shows up is pivotal to your ability to heal.

Recovering from infidelity is something you need to do together and not on your own. Picture: supplied

Rebuilding trust in a relationship takes time

Being cheated on breaks the bonds of trust in your relationship (and your sense of stability in general). Rebuilding trust in your partner and a sense of safety within the world takes time, sometimes years, and requires you to work together.

Work out if there’s something else going on

I do wonder whether there are other things going on in your relationship that might be contributing to your continued fear. By this, I don’t mean further infidelity, but perhaps the way you and your husband communicate and connect.

Checking his phone rather than talking about this with him is somewhat of a red flag. It sounds like communication between you isn’t as open and honest as it needs to be.

I also wonder if there’s something from earlier in your life that might be contributing to this as an ongoing issue.

Consider getting support

Recovering from infidelity is a big process to go through. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend getting professional support from a couples therapist to help you work through it.

There are often underlying issues that are difficult to understand and resolve on your own.

It might also be helpful for you to see a therapist on you own, for added support while you’re working on resolving this.

There are often underlying issues that are difficult to understand and resolve on your own. Picture: supplied

Work on your own self-care

You might have noticed that the better you feel within yourself, the less the intrusive thoughts and worry show up. This is common.

Taking care of your own mental health is helpful in managing this. When we’re tired or stressed, it gets harder to control our thoughts and we’re more likely to have outbursts.

Make sure you’re prioritising your own self-care and reaching out to your support networks.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.