‘My husband is a FIFO worker and our sex life is really bad’

A FIFO worker’s partner is frustrated over their poor sex life, and begs sexologist Isiah McKimmie for help to spice things up.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears about a person who wants to spice up their sex life with their FIFO partner.

QUESTION: My partner is a FIFO worker who goes away for weeks at a time. Instead of having an amazing reunion each time he returns, I find it hard to reconnect with him. It’s always me who has to make the effort as he seems emotionally and sexually unavailable.

When he’s away he lives a very solitary life of working and watching TV and I feel like it has stopped him from being able to communicate properly. He doesn’t really exercise and has put on weight which also gets him down.

I want our time together to be special and sexually charged but at the moment my weeks without him are better than when he’s there. What can I do?

ANSWER: Reunions when one partner has been away often don’t go as planned.

Whether it’s a one-off work trip or a regular FIFO schedule, couples tell me they often have some of their biggest disagreements when they were, instead, expecting to be really happy seeing each other again.

Couples often find that they’re disappointed in their partner’s reactions when they get home or that the issues that didn’t get resolved when one of them was away come to the surface when they don’t expect it.

Maintaining a relationship while one of you is FIFO is tricky. Your partner is away working and spending time alone. You’re home taking care of everything and looking forward to having his company again.

Isiah said reunions often don’t go as planned. Picture: Isiah McKimmie

Establishing “homecoming rituals” that meet both your needs can help.

Talk together about ways that you can meet your need for connection while also respecting any needs your partner has. He may need time to adjust to being around people and to decompress from his long work hours.

You might also benefit from setting aside a date night or a date day a couple of days after he gets back so you can spend quality time together.

Aside from this, it also sounds like your partner might also be depressed.

Signs of depression include:

• Withdrawal from family, friends and social interactions;

• Loss of sexual desire;

• Loss of interest or pleasure in things that would normally bring joy;

• Weight gain;

• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much;

• Tiredness and lack of energy;

• Anxiety, agitation or restlessness;

• Feelings of worthlessness, guilt or failure;

• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things;

• Inability to concentrate;

• Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide.

Your partner is clearly displaying a number of these right now and it’s not surprising.

FIFO workers have much higher rates of depression than other members of the population. Over 30 per cent of FIFO workers report “high” or “very high” levels of psychological distress. This is in part due to long working hours, time away from family, friends and loved ones, strain on relationships and financial stress.

She said to look out for depression. iStock

You need to talk to your partner.

If you’ve been reading this column for any length of time, you’ll know that I’m constantly recommending open, honest communication. It’s vital to solving any relationship challenges and enhancing connection between you.

Your partner might not be aware that he’s depressed – or he might not know how to talk about it. It’s also important that he hears how you’re feeling so you can address it together.

Here’s how I would go about it:

Start by sharing something positive.

I love you and our relationship means a lot to me.

Share your own emotions.

I’ve been worried about you lately and I’m worried about our relationship.

Tell him what you’ve noticed.

I’m finding it harder to connect with you. I’ve noticed you being more withdrawn, seeming unhappy and being uninterested in sex.

Ask for his perspective.

I’m wondering if you’re feeling depressed or if you’re feeling unhappy in our relationship? Could you tell me how you’re feeling?

Your partner may not be willing to open up about either your relationship or how he’s feeling. Don’t be discouraged. It may take a few attempts and a few conversations to really understand what’s happening.

If he is feeling depressed, it’s likely that he also feels ashamed of it. You could ask that he speaks to his doctor just for your sake.

A strong relationship can also help combat feelings of depression. You may also need to share more about what you need in the relationship and ask if he’s willing to take steps to build your connection like those I shared earlier.

I wish you the best with this. FIFO relationships and relationships where one partner is experiencing depression are challenging. I hope this helps you open the conversation up and begin to reconnect.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.