Relationship Rehab: Husband’s secret after 20 years

After 20 years of marriage and four children, this man sat his wife down and dropped a bombshell that has left their family life in tatters.

A secret is hard to deal with at the best of times — but after 20 years, it’s devastating. Picture: Unsplash

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a husband who has confessed a devastating secret, a man who doesn’t want to take on all of his girlfriend and a woman who can’t stand how her partner treats her friends.

MY HUSBAND’S SECRET RUINED OUR LIVES

QUESTION: After 20 years of marriage and four children, my husband has told me he is gay. He says he knew he was gay from a very young age, and “experimented” as a young man, but made the decision to ignore it and pursue heterosexual relationships. I was 22 and very naive when we met. He was my first (and only) sexual partner and I thought we had a wonderful relationship. He has always been a considerate partner and my best friend. Now I just feel so betrayed and like our entire marriage was a lie, and everyone knew except me. I feel so angry right now I can’t even be in the same room as him. How could I have missed this? And how can we possibly move past it to be there for our children — aged 12 to 18 — going forward?

ANSWER: What a shock this must be. It’s understandable you feel angry, lied to and betrayed.

When we go through any kind of betrayal, we feel like our entire reality is shaky and we’re unsure if we can trust anything. It’s normal for questions of “how could I not have known?” or “how could I have been so stupid/gullible/unaware?” to arise. You may be running things over in your mind wondering what you might have missed or how you could have done things differently.

Along with the anger and hurt, is often a feeling of shame. Shame that this could happen to us, shame about what other people might think.

Coming out can be hard — especially if you're in a heterosexual marriage. Picture: Toimetaja Tolkeburoo/Unsplash

It’s not your fault that you didn’t see this. It wasn’t your responsibility to be looking out for this. We always want to trust the person we love. It’s actually a positive trait that you loved and trusted so much.

This might be hard to believe right now, but this doesn’t mean you didn’t have a good relationship. As you said, he was considerate and your best friend. I’m sure there was a genuine connection and love between you for him to have stayed for so long.

When you ask “how can we move past it?”, do you really mean “how can I move past my anger enough to be there for my kids?” or “how can we co-parent amicably together?” I’m assuming you don’t mean, “How can I stay with him now?”

You don’t need to push your emotions aside to be there for your kids. You’re entitled to your emotions, so allow yourself to feel them. There’s no point bottling them up — they’ll only stay stuck or arise again later if you do. It will be a slow process, but allowing yourself to feel will, in time, help these emotions shift. You’ll access different emotions, like grief, shame and sadness — along with the anger that you’re present to right now.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied

Emotions themselves aren’t the problem, but we do need to be mindful of how we express them. How you express them and what you say in front of your children is going to have a big impact on them and how they process this.

Your children deserve to have the best possible relationship with both of you. Keep that as your goal. As difficult as it might be, you are going to need to find a way to co-parent together.

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You need to take care of yourself right now too. There’s a lot that you have to process. Reach out to your friends, draw on your support, be as gentle on yourself as you can. It’s okay that you don’t want to be in the same room. Communicate what you need to about the children via text message if you need to.

While I don’t expect you to be there yet, I feel a sense of empathy for both of you. My guess is your husband didn’t do this to hurt you and probably hoped he could ignore his underlying attractions forever. Our society has made it incredibly difficult for same-sex attracted people to acknowledge and express their true desires.

I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE DADDY

The role of step-parent can seem daunting. Picture: Alex Bocharov/Unsplash

QUESTION: I am struggling to get past the fact that the woman I am seeing has a child from a previous relationship. When we’re together I feel the most amazing connection, but just can’t see myself being “Daddy”. What do I do?

ANSWER: I get it. It’s a big responsibility and not an easy decision. Be mindful that the role of stepdad isn’t necessarily the role of “Daddy”. Have a thorough discussion about the role you’re expected to and are willing to play. Of course, if you end up with this person, you will still have extra responsibilities and considerations in your life together.

Although it’s a lot to take on, it has the potential to bring you a whole lot of joy and love. You might even feel eventually that you got the better end of the deal, getting to love (and be loved by) both of them.

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A good relationship involves caring about who you care about. Picture: Julie Johnson/Unsplash

QUESTION: How do I stop my boyfriend from being so rude to my friends? He can’t even bring himself to remember their names. It’s so rude and feels like a big insult to me.

ANSWER: I’m going to be honest — that’s a pretty big red flag.

Voicing our needs to a partner is vital to a loving and harmonious relationship, but some behaviours are simply an indication of who someone really is.

When we care about someone, we also make an effort to get along with the other people they care about and have them become part of our lives.

If you have to ask, “How do I stop my boyfriend being rude to my friends”, I’m more inclined to ask, “What keeps you with someone who is rude and disrespectful to you and the people you care about?”

Seriously consider if he is someone you really want to be with.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]