Relationship Rehab: If I don’t trust my husband, should we have another baby?

She was seven months pregnant when he betrayed her. But now he wants another baby … can she bring herself to forgive him?

Even though he wants another baby, she can’t bring herself to forget his betrayal. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a disappearing husband, a woman who’s fallen out of lust and the cringe that some get from dirty talk.

I DON’T TRUST MY HUSBAND ENOUGH TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY WITH HIM

QUESTION: When I was seven months pregnant with our first child, my husband walked out on me. He came back after a week full of apologies and has been a perfect husband in the three years since then — but now he wants to try for another baby and I just can’t bring myself to do it. What do I do?

ANSWER: There are deeper issues here that haven’t been resolved.

It’s understandable that you feel nervous.

Trust and commitment are vital to a long term stable relationship. We need to know that we can trust a partner, that they have our best interests in mind and that they’re committed to the relationship for better or worse.

When this kind of damage or betrayal occurs, it takes time and effort to rebuild your relationship. When trust is missing the relationship can’t survive long term.

Well done on staying together with him and working on your marriage until now. It sounds like he’s really made an effort to make it up to you, which is an incredibly positive sign. As is the fact that he wants to try for another baby. It sounds like he’s now committed to you and the relationship.

However, you need to unpack and understand more about why he behaved the way he did and rebuild the foundations of trust in your relationship.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie will answer all your relationship questions. Source: Supplied

Was it worry about becoming a father, fear of commitment, something from his own past that was triggered or something else going on in your relationship that caused him to leave? Picture: iStock

It’s normal to experience worry and fear with a new baby arriving, though I wonder what

was happening for your husband that caused him to leave.

Was it worry about becoming a father, fear of commitment, something from his own past that was triggered or something else going on in your relationship that caused him to leave? It may be a mixture of these things or something else.

Addressing the root cause will be important to you both feeling secure again.

Have you been able to talk together about what happened? Transparent, honest conversation is vital.

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This isn’t about punishing him for what he did, or refusing to let it go. It’s about both of you being able to fully heal and fully commit to each other and the relationship again.

You both have a part to play in this.

If you haven’t already, you’ll need to find a way to forgive him. You also need to resolve your own feelings and fear that he’ll abandon you again. If you don’t, your fears and doubts can become a self-fulfilling prophecy that gets in the way of your life together.

I suggest reaching out to a therapist to help you both understand what happened, what caused it and to help rebuild the foundation of trust in your relationship. There is much joy hat can be found on the other side that will benefit you and your family. You deserve to feel completely secure bringing another baby into the world.

I’M NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO MY PARTNER ANYMORE

QUESTION: My boyfriend has been really depressed and has put on quite a lot of weight. I still love him but am having trouble finding him sexy — how can I move past this?

Turn ons are more than physical, says Ms McKimmie. Picture: iStock

ANSWER: There needs to be more that holds a relationship together than physical attractiveness. As you both age, your looks will change.

There’s more to someone seeming ‘sexy’ than just physical appearance. Focus on things you appreciate about your boyfriend and the love you have for him. When you look for the things you love and appreciate, you’ll find more of them and your connection will intensify.

You may find that you rediscover desire for your boyfriend.

Our partner’s physical appearance is just one of the things that can turn us on — or off.

Increasing other things that turn you on can also help to override the turn off you’re feeling about your partner’s changed appearance.

HOW DO I TELL MY PARTNER I HATE TALKING DIRTY?

QUESTION: I really hate talking dirty but my boyfriend can’t seem to stop himself. It’s a real turn-off for me, but I don’t know how to tell him that without hurting his feelings. Help!

ANSWER: Giving feedback to a partner about what works for us and what doesn’t is essential to a healthy, functioning relationship and great sex.

If you don’t say something you’re going to end up disliking sex with him and that’s going to impact your relationship more. He’s quite possibly doing it because he thinks you enjoy it too.

When giving sexual feedback to a partner, begin by sharing something positive, then be specific about what you’d prefer — for example, tell him the exact words you do like and those words (or tone) that you don’t. Continue giving positive feedback on the things he says or does that you do like.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. If you’ve got a question you need answered, email [e-mail]