Relationship Rehab: Help! My new husband doesn’t want sex

A new bride thought she had the perfect relationship — right up until her wedding day six weeks ago. Now she’s trying to save her marriage.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a newlywed who has lost interest in sex and a boyfriend who tells his mates a little bit too much about his sex life.

WE HAVEN’T HAD SEX SINCE OUR WEDDING NIGHT

QUESTION: I got married six weeks ago but my new husband seems to have completely lost interest in me sexually. We haven’t had sex since our wedding night. Aren’t honeymooners supposed to be at it like rabbits? He is going through a stressful time at work. What can I do?

ANSWER: Let’s forget what honeymooners are supposed to be doing. Most honeymooners aren’t at it like rabbits — many don’t even have sex on their wedding night.

Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. Picture: iStock

The honeymoon period, in which people have heightened sexual desire usually lasts for only the first 18-36 months of a relationship. Most couples have now been together longer than that when they get married, so the shine has worn off and desire has already diminished.

Numerous factors influence sexual interest — think of it as having sexual brakes and sexual accelerators. When we have the brakes on, the accelerators don’t work. In therapy, we look at how to remove sexual brakes (as well as looking for turn-ons/accelerators).

Work stress is a major sexual brake.

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Your partner may also be feeling extra expectations or pressures now you’re married — such as children and financial goals — acting as sexual brakes too.

Most couples will have different desire levels for sex, though it can be particularly challenging when a male loses his desire as there is added social pressure for him to have high sexual interest. It can leave him feeling like he’s failing as a man and partner. Keep this in mind when addressing it with him.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied

That’s not to dismiss how you might be feeling about it. You’re probably feeling rejected, undesired and unloved. It can be difficult, but try not to take it personally. A partner’s loss of desire is rarely about their lack of love or attraction for us — it’s more about their own brakes and accelerators.

Here’s what I suggest:

1. Talk to him about how you’re feeling

Be vulnerable and share your own emotions and fears. Explain what sex means to you in terms of love and connection.

2. Ask your partner what he needs to help deal with stress

Does he need time alone, to be able to talk about it, or just to distract himself from it? He could also try exercise or mindfulness to reduce stress.

3. Focus on playfulness, fun and connection in your relationship

Take the pressure off, bring connection and playfulness to your relationship by having date nights and doing things you both enjoy.

4. Engage in physical touch that doesn’t lead to sex

Loving physical touch causes us to release oxytocin which makes us feel connected, loving and more relaxed. Physical touch that doesn’t led to sex is a great way to maintain connection and help you both feel loved.

If things haven’t improved in a couple of months, talk to him again. Sex is an important part of a relationship. Ongoing tension around it can erode your loving connection.

I JUST DON’T LIKE ORAL SEX

It can be hard to feel comfortable during oral sex — but it's worth trying to make it work. Picture: iStock

QUESTION: What do you do if you don’t like oral sex but your partner does? I know my partner likes to give me oral, but it makes me feel really uncomfortable.

ANSWER: I don’t believe anyone should do something sexually that they don’t want to do, but there’s a few things you might want to consider.

Oral sex can be extremely pleasurable — and has been shown to increase a woman’s chance of reaching orgasm. It’s also very intimate.

Discuss it openly with your partner — explaining your reasons for feeling uncomfortable and listening to what he enjoys about it. Many women worry what they look and smell like or have a belief that it’s somehow wrong or dirty. Hearing him describe how much he loves your smell or taste might help you feel more comfortable.

Also consider practical suggestions like making sure it’s dark, having a shower immediately prior or coconut oil as a lubricant as the slight coconut aroma might help you feel at ease about any smell (this won’t work if you plan to use latex condoms).

MY HUSBAND TELLS HIS MATES ALL ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE

What do you do when your man is a little too loose-lipped with his mates? Picture: iStock

QUESTION: My boyfriend tells his mates too much about our sex life and is baffled when I’m upset. How can I make him understand this is not OK with me?

ANSWER: It certainly is concerning that you know exactly what your partner is telling his friends about your sex life.

Personally, I don’t think our sex lives are an ‘out of bounds’ topic with our friends — my girlfriends and I talk about this all the time. However, there are appropriate boundaries and I wouldn’t expect a partner to know what was said. These should be private and respectful conversations.

Men and women are held to different social standards around sex. We know that men exaggerate their sex lives and women diminish theirs in order to seek social acceptance. I wonder if this is part of why he’s telling them so much information? Or if perhaps he’s having challenges with it and is reaching out to his friends for support?

Women, generally, need to feel safe and respected in order to enjoy sex. Explain to him you feel upset and embarrassed by how much his friends know and that it leaves you feeling vulnerable and exposed. Be really clear that it impacts your desire to have sex with him.

If it continues, I would have a serious discussion about the state of trust and respect in your relationship.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. If you’ve got a question you need answered, email [e-mail]