Relationship Rehab: ‘I can’t choose between two perfect women’

A man who has been dating two gorgeous women has asked for help to decide which one he should commit to — but it’s not the answer he wants.

How can you choose between two perfect women? Our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles this pressing question. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie offers up advice to a man struggling to choose between two potential lovers, an overly flirtatious friend and a husband hoping to broaden his wife’s sexual horizons.

WHICH WOMAN IS MRS RIGHT?

QUESTION: I’m 34 and am having trouble choosing between the two women I’ve been dating. One of them is my dream woman — she’s smart, sexy, funny and works in the same industry as me and I can see a real future with her. But the other one is my high school girlfriend and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to resist her. I can go months without speaking to her but then she’ll text me and I’ll fall straight back into old habits. Is this a sign she’s really the one for me? Or should I cut ties for good and focus on building a life with my dream girl?

ANSWER: You need to look at your patterns of relationship here if you want to have a happy long-term relationship with either one.

You’re now 34 and haven’t been able to commit to your high school girlfriend yet. You describe what happens when she texts you as “falling back into old habits”. A relationship shouldn’t be just a habit or something you can’t let go of.

How can you choose between two perfect women? Picture: iStock

What are the reasons you two haven’t been able to work it out? How is it that you can go months without talking to each other?

Look closely what it is that attracts you to her and the feelings that your connection brings. Is there a time in your life that she reminds you of? A feeling of being wanted or liked?

I suspect there’s something deeper going on here.

A happy long-term relationship requires commitment, friendship and understanding. We need to constantly put effort into it and it’s always evolving.

Whatever it is that’s keeping you hooked here isn’t necessarily healthy. That kind of attraction doesn’t make a great basis for a relationship.

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I think you’d benefit from examining what is called our “attachment style” and the patterns of relationship that you witnessed as a child. They form and can give us a lot of information about our own relationship patterns.

What did you learn about relationships growing up? What did you see modelled? Notice if there are any themes or similarities between what you saw and your current relationships.

They may also explain why you’re having difficulty making a decision between these women.

Let’s look at the relationship you have with your dream woman. What’s really holding you back from her? You describe her as smart, sexy and funny, but you’re still sitting on the fence. What are your deeper fears about pursuing this?

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied

Think about what you want from life and the kind of relationship you want to create. In terms of your interactions with each of these women, which one do you see being able to stand the test of time? Which one can you see being aligned on life goals? Which one do you see yourself being able to communicate well with when difficulties arise?

If you do decide to move on from your high school girlfriend, don’t just cut ties because you should. Do it with the intention to really let whatever you had go and allow you both to move on to something happier and healthier.

The grass is greener where you water it. Putting energy and attention into one relationship will see it flourish. You know this already, you just have to make the decision to do it.

MY FRIEND IS A BIT TOO INTERESTED IN MY MAN

Every time we go out, she's a little too close to my husband. Picture: iStock

QUESTION: My friend seems to find my husband a little bit too funny, if you know what I mean. She laughs way too much at his jokes, and always finds excuses to touch him and compliment him. How do I make it stop?

ANSWER: Assuming that you still want to be friends with her, this is a delicate situation. She’ll potentially feel embarrassed and it could damage your friendship.

Try to make a joke out of it next time it happens. Enough to let her know that you notice, but without making a big deal of it.

Also speak to your husband and let him know it makes you feel uncomfortable. He can then ensure he isn’t inadvertently encouraging her behaviour and can avoid her flirtations. She’ll soon get the idea that you’re a team and her behaviour isn’t acceptable.

HOW CAN I MAKE MY WIFE MORE ADVENTUROUS IN BED?

It's rare to find a couple who is completely compatible in bed. Picture: iStock

QUESTION: My wife is only ever up for one sexual position — how do I broaden her horizons without making her angry at me?

ANSWER: It’s not trying different sexual positions that’s the problem. There’s underlying sexual dissatisfaction and lack of communication going on here.

This is something you need to address together. If you approach it like you’re trying to get her to do something, you won’t get far.

Why is your wife only open to one position? She may be embarrassed around sex, lack confidence, feel pain in other positions or not really enjoy sex.

It’s important that you both enjoy sex. What does your wife want from your sex life? What does she enjoy — and is there anything she would like more of? If she’s feeling uncomfortable about sex now, she might not be able to answer these. You’ll need to progress slowly and gently.

Tell her how important it is for you to have a great sex life and feel close to her in this way. Get clear on why you want to try different positions. Is it really just about adding variety, wanting some more excitement or diversity?

Communication is really key when it comes to trying new things, so start with speaking openly and try to help each other feel more confident, comfortable and safe.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. If you’ve got a question you need answered, email [e-mail]