Relationship Rehab: ‘I feel threatened by my husband’s ex’

This week, our resident sexologist, Isiah McKimmie, tackles a threatening ex-wife, a dry sex spell and how often is too often for intimacy.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist, Isiah McKimmie, tackles a threatening ex-wife, a dry sex spell and how often is too often for intimacy.

I’M THREATENED BY MY HUSBAND’S EX-WIFE — HOW DO I MOVE PAST IT?

QUESTION: My husband was married to his first wife for a decade before they split up. They had a great relationship and an amicable divorce and when I first met him, I thought it was great that they made so much effort to get along for the sake of their son.

But now we’re married and I’m pregnant with my own child, I’m suddenly feeling very threatened by his ex-wife.

For starters, she’s extremely fit and glamorous, while I feel fat and frumpy.

She’s also the life of the party and gelled with my husband’s friends and family in a way I never have — to this day, his mother calls her every day but didn’t even remember my birthday this year.

It’s getting very hard for me to hide my feelings from my husband and his ex.

How do I move past this?

ANSWER: It sounds like a challenging situation and I’m not surprised you’re feeling threatened and insecure.

You don’t need to ignore it or “move past it”, it will only cause challenges later on if you do.

It’s interesting to me that you ask, “How do I hide my feelings from my husband and his ex?”

You say this like they’re still one unit. They’re not.

There’s no reason for you husband’s ex-wife to know about your feelings.

It’s none of her business.

Your feelings are important for your husband to know about however, and I’m sorry you feel the need to hide them from him.

Being able to express your emotions and your needs to a partner is vital to the happiness and longevity of a relationship.

If he doesn’t know how he’s impacting you, he has no reason to change.

Your husband may think you’re just as happy about his relationship with his ex as you were at the beginning, but it’s okay for this to have changed as your relationship and needs change.

It sounds like you’re needing more connection and reassurance from your partner right now which is perfectly normal and understandable, especially as you’re about to have a child together.

Your husband needs to be made aware of this.

A supportive partner will listen to your concerns and worries and try to reassure you.

They will ask what actions they can take that would help you feel more confident in your relationship.

Start by having a conversation with him.

My husband's divorce was amicable, but now it's bothering me.

In regards to his friends and family, you might not have the same relationship with them that his ex did — that’s because you’re different people.

His mother not remembering your birthday is about her — not you.

It’s rude and shows a lack of thoughtfulness towards you and your husband.

I actually think it’s a little strange she still calls his ex-wife every day.

None of this means there’s something wrong with you.

Your husband’s ex might be the life of the party, but that isn’t something everyone values — and it’s something a relationship can be based on.

Your husband is with you for clear reasons that have more to do with your compatibility with him and the qualities you have that he loves.

Isiah McKimmie says a supportive partner should listen to your concerns and worries.

Try to remember what it is that makes your relationship special and the great qualities you have.

Please keep in mind that pregnancy has a real impact on a woman’s hormones, emotions, needs and state of mind.

It’s common to feel dissatisfied with your body (not everyone feels a “pregnancy glow”) and to experience concern about your relationship.

That’s okay.

It doesn’t make your emotions invalid.

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I’M WORRIED MY DRY SPELL MEANS I’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO HAVE SEX

QUESTION: I haven’t had sex for more than a year and I’ve started to worry I’ve forgotten how to do it!

How do I stop this becoming a complex that stops me from ever having the courage to get

laid again?

ANSWER: Sex isn’t something we learn and then that’s it.

There isn’t one way to get it right — everyone likes different things.

We’re all constantly learning, especially when we’re with a new partner.

It’s not a performance either, something you’re out there doing on your own.

Whoever you’re with also has a responsibility to give feedback on what’s enjoyable (or not) for them too.

Honestly, what really makes the difference for great sex is being present and “in the moment”, knowing what you like and being willing to communicate with the other person.

Take your time, slow down, ask questions such as “what do you enjoy?” and “what would make this even better for you?”

I’ve gone long periods without sex too.

I promise you won’t forget.

It's been so long that I'm scared I've forgotten how to have sex.

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HOW MANY TIMES A MONTH CAN MY BOYFRIEND ASK FOR SEX?

QUESTION: How many times a month is it reasonable for my boyfriend to ask for sex?

He seems to be bugging me constantly and I find it all too much.

Surely once a month is fine right?

ANSWER: We have to stop this idea that sex is something men have to ask for and something women have to give.

Really.

If you’re seeing it as something you’re doing for him, you’re never going to really enjoy it.

Sure, I hear women telling me “they don’t care if they never have sex again” all the time, but honestly, that’s usually just a cover for their own feelings of shame, inadequacy and fear in the relationship.

A difference in desire levels is normal in a relationship, but what’s important is how you deal with it.

It needs to be something that you work on together.

How often is too often for my boyfriend to ask me for sex?

You need to be understanding of his need for physical intimacy and he needs to understand what your needs are in the relationship.

If you shame him for his desire to be intimate with you (which you’re doing by saying he’s bugging you and once a month is fine), you’re going to perpetuate a toxic dynamic in your relationship (and any others you have in future).

If you have low sexual desire at the moment, it’s something that can be cultivated by removing “sexual brakes” and increasing your “sexual accelerators”.

This is something I support women with in therapy.

You need to change your mindset to see sexual intimacy as something vital to you and to your relationship too.

It can bring you both pleasure and joy!

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. If you’ve got a question you need answered, email [e-mail]