Relationship Rehab: ‘Is my husband cheating on me … again?’

A wife worries her husband is “up to his old tricks” and being unfaithful … again. Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie offers up advice to a wife questioning her husband’s fidelity, breaks down a woman’s boredom in the bedroom and how to say “Bye Felicia” to a toxic friend.

IS MY HUSBAND CHEATING ON ME … AGAIN?

QUESTION: I’m worried my husband is up to his old tricks. We’ve been married seven years and have a six-year-old daughter together. Three years ago, he confessed he’d been exchanging videos with a Dominatrix he found on Gumtree. He apologised profusely and promised he wouldn’t do it again. We went to counselling and everything has been great since then — much better than before the big secret came out. But I’ve noticed a few red flags lately and they’re making me nervous — he has a passcode on his phone again, never lets it out of his sight, and stays up much later than me every night. He’s stopped being intimate with me and is suddenly working late all the time. Whenever I bring it up he gets angry and shuts down. What do I do?

ANSWER: It’s understandable you’re feeling worried about his behaviour, especially given your history. Whether or not he’s having an affair, one partner constantly working late, staying up later and avoiding intimacy aren’t positive behaviours for any relationship.

You’re not being unreasonable wanting to discuss it. Be firm in your need to find clarity from him on what’s really going on, but be mindful of how you discuss it with him.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied. Source: Supplied

Choose your timing carefully. If we raise difficult topics during an argument, when one partner is tired, stressed or in a rush, the conversation usually doesn’t go well.

Take a moment to calm and centre yourself before you speak.

Avoid accusing, criticising or jumping to conclusions when you open the discussion.

Instead of jumping straight into what he’s doing or using “you” statements, speak using “I” statements and explain how you feel. Clearly name the behaviours that you see and the emotions you feel as a result.

“You” statements, begin with “you” and focus on the other person.

For example, “You’re always on your phone. You never come to bed with me and you never want to be intimate.”

“I” statements begin with “I” and focus on your emotions and experience.

For example, “I’m feeling disconnected from you lately. I’ve noticed that you’re coming to bed much later than me and we haven’t been intimate in a while. I’m feeling anxious about what it means.” Notice the difference in the two ways of approaching it?

Hopefully, he is able to discuss it with you and work through what might be going on. Picture: iStock

Also, ask open questions about what is going on for him. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt and be open to his behaviour, perhaps, being about stress at work or an emotion he’s struggling with.

So far though, it sounds like he’s reacted defensively or shut down. If he isn’t able to talk about this with you in an understanding, validating way or willing to reassure you, this in itself will cause considerable damage to your relationship over time.

If you continue to receive anger or shut down, suggest to him that you return to counselling to work on the difficulty you’re having communicating. You might understand more when you’re communicating with third party assistance.

Ultimately, if he’s not able to talk about it or continually denies any wrongdoing but you still suspect something is happening, you’re in a difficult place. Continuing to press the issue will cause more resentment and tension between you. Consider seeing a therapist yourself to help you make a decision on whether to continue the relationship anyway — or to leave.

I hope for your sake he is able to discuss it and work through what might be going on.

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WHY AM I SO DISTRACTED DURING SEX?

QUESTION: How can I be more “in the moment” during sex? Currently, all I can think about during the act is what I need from the supermarket the next day and what I’m going to cook for dinner on the weekend.

ANSWER: This is something that many women struggle with. Not being able to stop thinking is a sign of anxiety and stress — either about what’s happening in your life or about sex itself.

Make a decision to make sex important — not just something that you’re doing for someone else — and give yourself permission to really enjoy it.

It can be helpful to have a shower or do something relaxing before sex to switch you out of “doing mode” and into a more relaxed state.

Also, pay attention to what you’re feeling in your body and take slow deep breaths. This is a form of mindfulness that will help you calm your nervous system and thoughts so you feel more “in the moment”.

It might just take some practice.

Lots of women struggle with being able to switch off during intimacy. Picture: iStock

HOW TO BREAK UP WITH A TOXIC FRIEND

QUESTION: I think I need to break up with my best friend. I’ve recently realised our relationship is completely one-sided and toxic. She uses up all my emotional energy and money and gives me nothing in return. How do I disentangle myself from this mess without kicking off even more drama?

ANSWER: You might need to break up with her eventually, but you can also start with changing your part in the relationship. Although she’s using your money and energy — you’re the one giving them to her.

Get really clear within yourself that you deserve healthier and more balanced relationships.

Disentangling yourself from toxic relationships in your life requires setting clear boundaries and sticking by them. Let her know firmly when behaviours arise that aren’t acceptable for you any longer. Be willing to say no to giving her your time, energy and money. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Remember, by saying no to her, you’re saying yes to yourself and to attracting healthier relationships into your life.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. If you’ve got a question you need answered, email [e-mail]