Relationship Rehab: Should I tell my partner I cheated on him?

This week, our resident sexologist, Isiah McKimmie, tackles a cheating girlfriend, a nervous lover and an undecided possible bride-to-be.

I cheated on my partner with my ex-boyfriend from university. Should I tell him? Picture: Supplied

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist, Isiah McKimmie, tackles a cheating girlfriend, a nervous lover and an undecided bride-to-be.

I CHEATED ON MY PARTNER WITH AN EX-BOYFRIEND — DO I TELL HIM?

QUESTION: I’ve been with my partner forthree years. We moved in together a year ago and everything was going really well until a few things happened at once; my boyfriend went away for work, I lost my job and my grandmother died.

In my grief I did something reckless. I called my university on/off boyfriend and invited him around for a drink. We had sex that night, and again a couple of nights later. Then my boyfriend got back and I came to my senses. Now I’m consumed by guilt. Do I tell him what I did, or try to keep it hidden?

ANSWER: As a start, set yourself aside for a moment to think about your partner. What would he want? Would he want to know? I honestly think this is your best answer.

There’s solid data in favour of disclosing an affair. A recent study of couples in therapy found that marriages in which someone keeps infidelity a secret are twice as likely to divorce as when infidelity is disclosed.

Consider also the likelihood your partner will find out at some point. Often partners of people who have had, or are having an affair, say that they knew something was “off” or their partner was being distant, they just weren’t sure what it was about.

I cheated on my partner with my ex-boyfriend. Should I tell him? Picture: Supplied

The longer it takes to find out, the more difficult it can be to recover from.

Although we often hear “cheating” described as unforgivable, it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship. The truth is many relationships recover from infidelity and emerge stronger than before.

It requires that you take responsibility, are genuinely remorseful about what happened and you

both choose to work through it. Rebuilding trust takes time but is possible. I highly recommend you seek the support of a therapist to do it.

If you don’t tell him, you deny him choice and the potential opportunity to build a stronger

relationship with you based on honesty and openness. The truth is, you could lose your

relationship anyway.

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Please also consider your partner’s risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection through your choices, especially if you had unprotected sex.

I do want to acknowledge that not everyone wants to know if their partner has been unfaithful and sometimes there are valid reasons not to.

You’re certainly not the first person to cheat on a partner and I don’t judge you for it. I do suggest however, you look really closely at what happened and why.

I know there were extenuating circumstances here, but it’s worth making sure there wasn’t more going on. Although this wasn’t an ongoing affair, it was more than a single incident.

Have you ever done something like this before? Are there other challenges going on in your

relationship? What else contributed to you behaving the way you did?

Understanding why this happened (and developing strategies to avoid it in future) will be of benefit whether you decide to tell your partner or not. If challenges arise in your life again, you don’t want to act out in the same way.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied

HOW DO I MAKE SURE MY NEW GIRLFRIEND IS SATISFIED?

QUESTION: My new girlfriend is very sexually liberated and it’s making me feel very nervous about our first time together. I’ve only had sex with a couple of people before — how do I make sure she’s satisfied?

ANSWER: When I first began studying to be a Sexologist, my imagination ran wild at all the sexy new moves I’d learn — and be able to tell my clients about to help them.

What I realised though, is what really makes sex great is being present to each other and

communicating well.

I don’t know how you satisfy your girlfriend, because I don’t know what she enjoys sexually or what she’s going to be in the mood for every time you make love. The best way to find out is to ask her.

If she’s really sexually liberated, she’ll be more than happy to give you feedback and direction on what she enjoys and wants.

I’ve only had sex with a couple of people before. How do I make sure my sexually-liberated new girlfriend is satisfied? Picture: iStock

SHOULD I ACCEPT MY BOYFRIEND’S PROPOSAL OR END IT?

QUESTION: I think my boyfriend is about to propose and while I love him, I can’t help but feel like there might be someone better out there. Should I say yes, or end it?

ANSWER: Relationships aren’t about someone being “good enough” for us or not. They’re about how you fit together as a couple and how you treat each other.

Either you’re choosing to be with someone who isn’t right for you — in which case, look at why you’re making that choice. Or you’re with someone who is great — but your own projected insecurities are getting in the way of you seeing it.

Your boyfriend deserves someone who is completely into him and ready to commit to him — not someone who’s waiting to find something better.

Don’t say yes if you’re not absolutely certain you want to marry him.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. If you’ve got a question you need answered, email [e-mail]

No subject is off limits for Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied