‘My husband has backed out of our plan to have kids and I’m distraught’

An Aussie wife has spoken of her distress after her husband changed his mind about a life-changing decision – and didn’t even tell her.

File image. An Aussie wife has spoken of her distress after her husband changed his mind about a life-changing decision – and didn’t even tell her. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie gets real about the alarm bells ringing for a seemingly happy couple.

Question: I’ve been with my husband since we were 21 and we’ve had 15 really happy years together. Our plan was always to enjoy life and then settle down and have a family in our late 30s. I’m starting to feel really broody and I recently asked him if he’s ready to start a family. He shocked me by saying that he’s changed his mind and doesn’t want kids anymore – he said it in such a blasé way it took me aback. I can’t believe he didn’t think to mention it sooner and it’s not his decision to make alone! I feel like my life has been turned upside down while he seems unfazed by my being upset. He says having kids doesn’t make sense environmentally or financially, but I’m distraught. Is there any way to sort this out?

File image. An Aussie wife has spoken of her distress after her husband changed his mind about a life-changing decision – and didn’t even tell her. Picture: iStock

Answer: A partner changing their mind about kids can be shocking, heartbreaking and frustrating. It’s understandable that you feel your life has been turned upside down.

The fact that this has come as a surprise to you raises some serious concerns about the relationship for me. Relationships can overcome people having different goals and desires, but strong relationships require ongoing conversations – and it sounds like there’s a lot that’s been left unsaid in yours.

If you decide to try to work through this together, there’s more to address here than just a decision on whether to have kids. The way your husband shared this with you and his apparent lack of care around how it has affected you is a danger sign for the relationship.

To feel safe in a relationship, we need to know that our partner cares about our feelings and our needs. Picture: iStock

Strong couples stay curious about each other

In over 40 years of research on what creates strong relationships, Dr John Gottman found that a marker of successful couples is that they are familiar with each other’s inner worlds. This requires couples to be interested in and curious about each other, to know each other’s goals, worries and dreams.

We grow and change throughout our lives. Strong couples continue to share with each other and update their knowledge of each other through conversation and curiosity.

It seems that you and your partner had ideas of each other’s dreams and goals at the beginning of your relationship, but haven’t kept each other up to date.

Strong couples care about each other’s needs

It concerns me to hear that your husband has been unfazed by your being upset about this. A partner being unresponsive to our pain can cause distance and tension in a relationship.

To feel safe in a relationship, we need to know that our partner cares about our feelings and our needs.

I think you really need to ask yourself whether you would be able to trust that he will consider your emotions and needs in the future – even if he does decide to have kids with you.

A partner being unresponsive to our pain can cause distance and tension in a relationship. Picture: iStock

Couples can overcome different goals through communication and compromise

Many relationship challenges can be overcome through good communication and a willingness to compromise.

Unfortunately, having kids isn’t really something you can compromise on. You either have them – or you don’t. There’s no in between. You both run the risk of resenting each other for a long time if you aren’t fully aligned on your decision.

It’s very clear to me that you desperately want kids – in a way that you’re unlikely to be able to let go of. Long term, I imagine compromising on this would eventually lead to the demise of your relationship.

If your husband is open to talking further and reconsidering his position, your relationship may stand a chance – although, from my experience working with couples in similar situations, there’s a lot of work that will need to be done to recover from this.

Having kids isn’t really something you can compromise on. Picture: iStock

Be prepared that he may not change his mind

I could understand if you want to try to work through this with your husband, hoping that he will change his mind. You may feel that this is the best chance for you to have kids, rather than have to wait to find a new relationship and risk not finding someone with the clock ticking.

However, even if your partner does change his mind again, there’s a lot of work that would need to be done to strengthen your relationship.

If you’re prepared for that and, of course, the possibility that your husband may never change his mind, go ahead and work on this. Or, sadly, you may be better served by moving on sooner rather than later.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy