‘My mother-in-law is a nightmare and my husband doesn’t notice’

A woman has called out her mother-in-law for coming over every weekend to do one annoying thing – and says her husband genuinely doesn’t seem to notice.

Rather than telling your mum-in-law what you don’t want her to do, tell her what you do want. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a woman who is sick of her mother-in-law’s nightmare behaviour.

QUESTION: My mother-in-law is turning out to be a complete nightmare. I’ve been with my partner for four years and married for two, but until recently we lived overseas a long way from his family. I met his mum several times on trips and in the run-up to our wedding and she seemed lovely – really generous with gifts, and enthusiastic about our relationship. However, since we moved back to Australia she’s become too big a part of our lives. She wants to see us every weekend and insists on coming over to “help out” which mainly involves doing my husband’s laundry. No joke. She’s always asking me when I’m going to have a baby and remarking that I’m too much of a “career woman”. My husband genuinely doesn’t seem to notice how overbearing she is and it’s causing friction between us. How do I navigate this?

ANSWER: Navigating in-laws can be tricky. About one third of couples experience challenges when dealing with each other’s parents. It can cause tension in the relationship and personal stress.

We often come to relationships with different notions of what is appropriate and normal. This can be especially apparent when it comes to managing extended family. It’s important that you and your husband find a way to deal with this as a team. For stability in the relationship you’ll need to know your husband supports you and is on your side.

Reach understanding before taking action

When I’m working with couples on challenges in their relationship, they always want to know what they can do to fix it. Taking action to create change is important, but before we do that, we need to build understanding. Without understanding, our actions can miss the mark – or even be hurtful. Understanding can open up possibilities that meet everyone’s needs.

You and your husband will need to talk about what’s going on to build understanding between you. Picture: iStock

Understanding requires communication

You and your husband will need to talk about what’s going on to build understanding between you.

It’s not what couples disagree about in a relationship but how they communicate during those disagreements that determines their relationship success. You need to understand each other’s perspectives, emotions and needs.

It may also be helpful for you both to understand your MIL’s experience too. Understanding what’s happening for her can help you feel less agitated by her actions.

Any number of factors might have caused a change in her while you were away. She might be trying to reclaim a relationship with her son now that he’s back, or struggling with moving to a different life stage or feeling triggered by seeing her friends become grandparents. She might also just be jealous, controlling or insecure.

Understanding what’s happening for her can help you feel less agitated by her actions. Picture: iStock

Aim for connected communication

Discussing sensitive topics always requires us to be mindful in our communication.

Try to avoid language like ‘overbearing’ which can sound judgmental or critical – that’s likely to elicit a defensive response and cause more friction between you. Focus on how you feel and what you need rather than what your partner – or his mother – are doing wrong.

Follow these four steps

1. Be specific about what bothers you

Speaking generally or vaguely about what’s bothering you can cause confusion and arguments. Be clear about exactly what is said or done that doesn’t feel good for you, for example when your mum-in-law insists on coming over when you haven’t invited her, or when she asks when you’re having a baby.

Speaking generally or vaguely about what’s bothering you can cause confusion and arguments. Picture: iStock

2. Share your emotions

Partners are more likely to be empathetic and understanding when we’re vulnerable and share our emotions. Instead of saying you don’t like something, share the emotion you feel when it happens.

For example:

I feel really frustrated and disrespected.

I feel hurt and upset.

I feel judged and unworthy.

3. State your ‘positive needs’

Rather than sharing what you don’t want his mum to do, share what you do want.

For example:

I need to have more privacy in our home.

I need more time for just the two of us on weekends.

I need such a sensitive topic as having babies to be discussed and agreed between us – not with your mum present.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. Picture: supplied

4. Ask for your partner’s perspective

Just telling your partner what you want isn’t enough to build understanding. You also need to understand how he feels and what his needs are in this. Compromise – as a team.

When you better understand each other, then you can create agreements that work for both of you.

Perhaps your partner agrees to step in when his mother mentions your career or having a baby. Or perhaps you agree on limits to her coming over, which he then enforces.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]