Well, it's happened. The end is nigh. The locusts are out in full force, the rivers are running with blood. And it's all because of the lasagne jaffle. 

It may be a culinary abomination but, sorry Snack Lord, it's hard to resist: layers of pasta holding a tomato ragu, covered in bechamel sauce, sandwiched between two slices of white bread squished until toasty in a sandwich press. It's everything you love about pasta, with the added benefit of bread.

It may also please you to know the mighty king of the Frankensandwich has a sweet sidekick. Meet the Nutella, pink marshmallow and banana jaffle - a sweet, gloopy, sticky, stretchy mess that's something of a cross between a s'more and a sandwich.

Before you throw me a yellow card for crimes against the heart, I'd like to segue into the cafe's namesake.

In German, it's "butterbrot", in Danish it's "smorrebrod". In French, it's the prettier sounding "tartine". Whatever the language, it's universal when it comes to what's on the plate (except in Denmark where there's a marked increase in herring). And that pretty much just translates to "stuff on toast". 

Anthony Telford is behind the menu here. You might recognise the chef from Balmoral's Public Dining Room, or you may just be more interested in shredded beef on toasted sourdough covered in a golden tangle of crisp onion and a mountain of finely shaved gruyere and chives.

A straight-up chicken and tarragon number cushioned by rocket leaves is kicked into 2015 with the addition of fennel pollen - it's a little gooey and blah in comparison to the musty funk of the former, but even so, it's appealingly picnicky.

So now you've bowed down to the titans of carb, you might be wondering where you are. You're on Gardeners Road in Mascot, where the trucks go rumbling by all day long on one side and on the other, you're surrounded by toy town apartments.

It's about as far from Montmarte as you can imagine, but be transported by the '60s French tunes that shimmy and sidle out of the speakers and into a room filled with a mash-up of vintage furniture.

We saw all that Telford made, and behold, it was very good.

 THE LOW-DOWN
Pro tip Take the train to Mascot - Tartine's just around the corner - and take in a wealth of abandoned mattresses and flat screen TVs along the way 
Like this? Sly Cafe also boasts quite the jaffle selection. 212 Devonshire Street, Surry Hills. (02) 8399 2041

Correction: The original version of this story listed Green Square as the closest train station to Tartine. The closest station is Mascot. This has been changed in the text.