Men need to be better at helping men. Their lives depend on it

When Mark Davis found himself in a psychiatric hospital, he wasn’t concerned about his wellbeing or the state of his mental health. He only worried about how he would be viewed by others when they found out.

He feared that he would be regarded as weak or unreliable, that he would be shunned and treated differently. Or perhaps, worst of all, those around him might try to wrap him in cotton wool because they would see him the way he saw himself: as someone whose character defects meant he was unable to deal with life; that he was failing as a man.

Men play a pivotal role in each other’s mental health.Credit: Getty Images

It was the ’80s, and stoicism and the ability to fix things when things (including themselves) went wrong were harbingers of masculinity. If you could not contain the emotions that lived inside of you, if you were unable to fix what was “wrong” then the problem must be you.

For Davis, a policeman in his 40s, the harder he tried to right himself – working harder and enduring more of the terrible thoughts that occupied his mind – the more he became unstuck, unable to keep patching the illness leaking out of him.

There were physical symptoms, such as a chronically upset stomach, headaches, impotency, as well as behavioural symptoms. As someone who once prided himself on his good sense of humour, he became humourless, bad-tempered and standoffish.

He was also unpredictable. “If my partner said ‘would you like a cup of tea?’ On some occasions, I would ignore her, on other occasions, I would be angry and resentful and on other occasions I would accept it with grace and say ‘thank you’,” recalls the Tasmanian, acknowledging it placed her in an extremely difficult position. “It was very hard for her to know what to do.”

But the idea of taking action, which meant admitting he had lost control and risked the judgement of others, as well as the possibility of being medicated, seemed as awful as continuing on in life miserable. Until he didn’t want to continue on in life at all.

Davis was invalided out of the force for stress-related issues (he would later receive a diagnosis of PTSD as a result of his experiences in the force) and, as he had feared, many of his friends did “disappear”.

“I think there was embarrassment, not knowing what to say or being associated with someone who had mental health issues,” he speculates.

A decade ago, when Beyond Blue first launched a free, online peer support forum, Davis was far enough along in his recovery to be curious about the experiences of others and what had helped them. The fact that it was anonymous also meant he felt able to let his guard down in a way he hadn’t with those around him.

Mark Davis is focused on giving back to a community that helped him.

Reading about the experiences of others on the forum, he realised he wasn’t alone in the way he felt. He realised, for the first time, that he wasn’t a failure, he was just looking at himself and his life through a lens distorted by his illness.

Today, the peer support forum is visited by 150,000 people a month (about 95 per cent choose to remain anonymous and about 40 per cent of users are male), who come to read and share and support each other. In the most recent federal budget, $7.1 million was committed over four years to build and support the lived experience peer mental health workforce, of which Davis is now part. By volunteering on the forum, he can give back to the community that has helped him.

Dr Luke Martin, clinical spokesperson and psychologist at Beyond Blue, says our societal attitudes about men’s mental health have progressed in the last decade or two.

“In 2007, roughly 27 per cent of men who had a mental health issue opened up about it and would see a health professional,” says Martin. “In 2022, the latest data shows we’re up to about 36 per cent. One in three are seeking help, but two in three are not.”

This is likely because of the tendency of men to be self-reliant but also the prevailing fear of being rejected by colleagues, family or friends. A 2022 study found that the weight of stigma they felt, particularly from other men, negatively impacted their mental health, heightened their sense of isolation and prevented them from seeking help.

“We need to do work with men around how to be a helpful friend – that’s mental health literacy,” says Martin. “How do you support someone, in a way that doesn’t make them feel you’re treating them differently or are now fragilising them or pushing them to the edge of the group? It’s a skill men need to learn: how to support other men.”

Having someone to confide in, beyond a partner, is really important, says Martin. “A lot of people, including men, have this mask of coping which can make you think there’s not a deep, rich emotional world going on inside.”

While Martin acknowledges there is “a long way to go” in men’s mental health literacy, peer support groups, like Beyond Blue’s forum but also many others including Mates in Construction, Dads in Distress, The Men’s Table, Men’s Shed and Vipers run club provide communities that don’t judge.

Being able to read about or listen to others who get why you are struggling is valuable in and of itself, says Martin, and it’s a gateway for more intensive support.

“They complement traditional mental health services, they don’t replace them, and provide that round the clock safe space,” he says. “The descriptions in the forum are often very insightful and articulate about what’s going on and the way they’re thinking about it. It’s a peek under the hood to this inner-world we don’t get to hear about very often.”

In its 30th year this year, and celebrated annually (10-16 June, 2024), Men’s Health Week aims to raise awareness about men’s health issues and promote positive changes in male health behaviours around the world.

Support is available from Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14

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