Sexologist reveals most common reason for sexless marriage

Many romantic relationships have become sexless, says sexologist Isiah McKimmie, and there’s one common reason why.

Sexologist reveals most common reason for sexless marriage. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie explains why so many marriages are sexless.

QUESTION: My wife and I have been together for seven years and haven’t had sex for at least seven months. I don’t know when we got out of the habit – we used to have a great sex life – but lately, we’ve been so busy with life and our kids that our sex life has suffered dramatically. I want to start having sex again but I’m not even sure how to instigate it. How do we get our sex life back on track?

ANSWER: Your situation is more common than most of us would realise.

We tend to think everyone else has a great relationship and sex life. We can think that there’s something wrong with us because we’re the only ones not doing it – or arguing about it.

But, you’re not alone.

Sexless relationships are not uncommon

According to one recent study, around 15 per cent of romantic relationships have become sexless. Lack of sexual intimacy is the most common reason couples seek my help as a Couples Therapist and Sexologist.

Many couples will find that they go months – or even years – without having sex. Some couples find that sex stops suddenly. There’s an event, a turning point of some kind and that’s it. Other couples notice a slow decline over time.

Some couples argue over a lack of sex. Others find that it becomes the elephant in the room that neither wants to talk about.

For couples who haven’t had sex in months – or even years – taking that first step can feel hard. It can seem like it gets harder over time.

Lack of sexual intimacy is the most common reason couples seek my help as a Couples Therapist and Sexologist. Picture: iStock

Because every couple’s situation is unique, if I were supporting you through therapy, I would want to understand more about the dynamics between you and how this happened before suggesting how to move forward.

However, there are common steps that can help make a difference.

Here’s how to begin rebuilding sexual intimacy when it’s been a while since you had sex:

1. Talk about it together

Although you might both feel awkward, worried or scared talking about this, research suggests that talking about sex together is one of the most important components for great sex.

When you can talk about this together, you can begin to work on it as a team.

2. Make sex a priority

It sounds like you both lead busy and full lives. It’s easy for sex to end up on the back burner. Couples who maintain passionate, loving sex lives make sex a priority. They view it as important and make time for it.

3. Take time to connect outside of the bedroom

With busy lives, it often isn’t just your sex life that suffers, it’s your overall connection. If you’re disconnected outside the bedroom, it’s going to be hard to work on your intimacy inside the bedroom.

Take time to connect outside of the bedroom. Picture: iStock

4. Understand what your sexual brakes are

We often have an expectation that desire is spontaneous – that it will just arise spontaneously. And that’s our cue to then be intimate with a partner. We can think that ‘feeling in the mood’ is a prerequisite for starting intimacy.

Science is now understanding that our sexual desire is actually responsive. That is, it arises in response to stimuli.

What this means is that we need to cultivate the conditions in which desire can respond. We have sexual brakes that get in the way of desire and accelerators that increase it.

Before increasing accelerators, we need to address the brakes.

Sexual accelerators can include kissing and sexy lingerie. Picture: iStock

5. Increase your sexual accelerators

After removing some of your sexual brakes, you can then look at how you can increase your sexual accelerators.

Sexual accelerators can include:

• A loving relationship

• Being able to relax beforehand

• Fun and playfulness in your life and relationship

• Kissing

• Sexy lingerie

• Sexting

6. Start with intimate physical touch

As you begin your sexual reconnection after such a long time, take the pressure off the goals of sex and orgasm. Start with reconnecting intimately, building chemistry as you go.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]