Sex issue facing many Aussie couples

The amount of times couples are having sex is a hot topic, reveals a sexologist, and there is an unspoken truth for married couples.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie addresses the elephant in the room when it comes to many long-term married couples.

QUESTION: My husband and I have been together for 22 years and have two kids, 9 and 13, and we’re generally really happy. We make each other laugh all the time and I’m still physically attracted to him – and confident the feeling is mutual.

BUT the only time we have sex is when we’re on holiday without the kids, which is like once a year if that. We have a great time and swear we should do it more, but then we fall back into old habits at home, where he goes to bed and gets up earlier than me, and we just never prioritise sex.

Bed is something we just fall into at the end of another long and busy day, a place of sleep and not of sex. How do we break this cycle?

ANSWER: There’s no set number of times that couples should be having sex. If you and your partner are both OK with the amount of sex you’re having, there’s no issue. But if one of you is dissatisfied in some way, it needs to be addressed for the relationship to thrive.

Increasing sexual frequency isn’t straightforward, but there are steps you can take that help.

How much sex are other couples having?

I often get asked the ‘normal’ or ‘average’ amount that couples have sex.

The answer is on average once a week – a little more if you’re in your 20s, a little less if you’re older. But honestly, this is rarely a helpful question.

Sexual frequency will fluctuate throughout a couple’s relationship and will depend on so many factors.

Some couples will be happy having sex once a year or less. Others will find that sexual frequency is a heated topic that causes tension and arguments between them. It’s important that you work together to understand each other’s needs.

Some couples try the ‘just do it’ approach but it doesn’t address the underlying issues. Picture: iStock

The ‘just do it’ approach isn’t sustainable

Often, when couples have noticed frequency or desire begin to drop off, they’ll try the ‘Nike approach’ – just do it. The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t last. It doesn’t last because it doesn’t address the underlying issues and causes of what’s going on.

I’d like to start by understanding why neither of you make it a priority or initiate it and the role that sex plays in your relationship.

Did you previously have sex more often?

When did you notice the frequency declining and what else was going on in your lives at the time?

It can also be helpful to understand your motivations for sex. Are you wanting more sex because you think you ‘should’? Because there’s an underlying tension about it? Or because it’s a wonderful experience that brings you closer together?

Sexual frequency can actually cause tension that, in turn, ends up lowering desire even further.

Does one of you have higher sexual desire than the other?

Sometimes, one person can give up initiating sex because they’re tired of being turned down and feeling rejected. At times, one person can even just avoid initiating because they think the other isn’t interested and they don’t want to add any pressure.

Did one of you have a higher desire in the past? Who previously initiated sex when you had it?

It’s helpful to consider desire as ‘responsive’ rather than spontaneous. Picture: iStock

Sexual desire is responsive – we have to cultivate it

To increase sexual desire and frequency, it’s helpful to understand how desire works.

We often expect desire to be spontaneous, to just arise, but it’s more helpful to consider desire as ‘responsive’. Consider it as like a car – with brakes and accelerators. To get desire moving, we can’t just focus on accelerators. We have to remove the brakes and increase the accelerators.

Sexual brakes can include:

• Tiredness/exhaustion/stress

• Negative sexual beliefs

• Relationship tension

• Not enjoying sex

• Worry the kids will walk in

Sexual accelerators can include:

• A connected relationship

• Enjoying sex

• Loving touch

• Kissing

• Erotica/porn/sex toys

Consider and discuss the brakes and accelerators for each of you.

There are brakes and accelerators for desire; one brake might be worrying the kids will walk in. Picture: iStock

Couples who have satisfying sex lives have things in common

Once you have some understanding of the underlying factors influencing the cycle you’re in, you can start taking action.

Research shows that couples who maintain a great sex life do the following:

• Make sex a priority – which can include setting aside time for regular bedroom dates

• Stay good friends – maintaining connection, love and appreciation in the relationship

• Talk openly, honestly and comfortably about sex

• Enjoy fun and playfulness together

• Kiss passionately for no reason at all

• Enjoy touch that doesn’t lead to sex

• Say ‘I love you’ everyday – and mean it

By working together and prioritising your relationship, you can make changes for a more satisfying relationship.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]