Relationship Rehab: Man’s ‘embarrassing’ 10-year sex secret

For a decade he has hidden the “problem” from his partners, but now he “doesn’t know what to do” or how to confess the truth.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a man nervous about telling his girlfriend he has herpes, a husband concerned about his wife’s mental health and a woman who doesn’t know how to be more assertive in bed.

I HAVE HERPES — HOW DO I TELL MY PARTNER?

QUESTION: I’ve got quite an embarrassing problem and I don’t know what to do. Around 10 years ago when I was 21 I had a one-night stand and caught HSV-2 (genital herpes). I treated the blisters and have been lucky to only have a few flare-ups since when I’ve been stressed at work. I haven’t had an outbreak for almost two years. Since getting herpes, I’ve always used protection during sex but haven’t really had a serious relationship – until now. I met my girlfriend six months ago and love her deeply. We’ve always used condoms but she’s keen to stop. How do I tell her I have herpes and should I ever have sex with her without protection?

ANSWER: Firstly, I’m really glad to hear you’ve used protection until now. It should go without saying, but having coached many people on this, I know it doesn’t. It sounds like you really care about this woman – and her wellbeing.

Telling her you have herpes will potentially be a difficult conversation to have. Many people worry that their diagnosis might put a partner off being in relationship with them. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of stigma and misunderstanding that goes with sexually transmitted infections.

However, having this conversation also has the potential to strengthen your relationship. You’ll also know whether this woman is really right for you by the way she handles your disclosure.

Yes, it is possible to have unprotected sex even after a herpes diagnosis. I know many people who have made the decision to have unprotected sex with a partner who has herpes.

There is always a risk that you can pass herpes on. Even if you’re not having an outbreak, the virus can be passed on, but there are steps you can take to lower the risk.

The good news for you is that the longer you’ve had the virus, the less risk there is of an outbreak and passing it on.

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The man doesn’t know how to tell his partner he has herpes. Picture: iStock

Condoms significantly lower your risk of transmission, but here’s what else you can do:

• Take care of your overall health and wellbeing and keep stress levels low.

• You can also talk to your GP about taking suppressive antiviral medication which lowers transmission rates.

• Be attuned to the signs you may be about to have an outbreak as there’s an increased risk of shedding (meaning the virus can be passed on) at this time. Don’t have sex at all during this time or during an outbreak.

In terms of having ‘the talk’ with your girlfriend, here’s what I suggest:

• Start by telling her what she and the relationship mean to you.

• If you’re nervous, it can help to tell her. We have a saying in psychotherapy ‘name it to tame it’. When we voice our feelings, they are somewhat tamed. It also shows both confidence and vulnerability and lets her know that she needs to be sensitive in her reaction.

• Tell her the facts and the potential risks. For example, how long you’ve had the diagnosis, how often you have outbreaks, when your last outbreak was and some information about herpes like I’ve shared above.

• Be prepared for her to ask questions, as this can help you feel more comfortable.

• Let her make her decision. She may need time to think about this and process it. Whether or not – and how often she chooses to have sex without protection is something she needs to decide.

• Be willing to have ongoing conversations around this. This can bring you closer together.

HOW CAN I HELP MY DEPRESSED WIFE?

QUESTION: My wife is very depressed. She is often withdrawn from me and sometimes lashes out at me, but I know that’s just when she’s having a bad day. She had quite a traumatic upbringing and has struggled with her mental health for probably our whole relationship. When I try to talk to her about it now, she gets upset. What’s the best way for me to help her?

ANSWER: It’s really difficult when a partner is experiencing depression or any other form or mental illness. While it’s natural that you want to do everything you can to support her, there are also limits as to what you can do.

My guess is that she doesn’t want to talk about it because it’s so difficult and painful for her. She may also feel a lot of guilt and shame about the impact that this has on you and the relationship.

Here are some suggestions:

• Reassure her that you care about her and aren’t going anywhere.

• Let her know that you’re there if she wants to talk.

• Gently let her know that you’re worried about her.

• Continue to take care of yourself and get your own support.

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The woman admits she has ‘absolutely no idea’ how to take more control during sex. Picture: iStock

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HOW DO I BE MORE ASSERTIVE IN BED?

QUESTION: My boyfriend has said he wants me to take more control in bed. The only thing is, I have absolutely no idea how to do that. It’s just not an area that I’ve ever felt very confident in. Can you give me some advice?

ANSWER: It’s totally normal to feel uncertain and embarrassed around sex. It’s not an area that we get a lot of real education in.

Having great sex doesn’t just happen. It’s a skill that we learn.

‘Taking more control’ might mean a lot of things to him, like giving direction, being on top or initiating. I know it might feel super awkward, but research shows that being able to talk about sex with a partner is crucial to having a long-term satisfying sex life.

Start by asking him what he means by wanting you to take control and asking him what he enjoys sexually.

There are lots of great sex resources online now, so do some research on some new moves you can try. It will feel a little uncomfortable at first, but I promise it gets easier over time.