Relationship Rehab: Texts expose truth behind ‘great’ sex life

They live together and planned to marry — until the man’s girlfriend discovered a series of text message betrayals that rocked their relationship.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a woman who discovered her boyfriend’s text message betrayal, a man who always gets defensive and the age-old question: how long is too long?

HELP! MY BOYFRIEND BETRAYED ME VIA TEXT

QUESTION: I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost three years and we live together. He’s always been really open about the future, talking about how many kids we’ll have and “when we’re married”, so I never thought he was afraid of commitment. Our sex life had always been great but recently he started to seem a bit distant and less up for it. I put it down to him being busy with work and his mum’s been sick so I thought he was just distracted. Then one night I was on our iPad and messages meant for his phone kept popping up – they were between him and a prostitute he was arranging to have sex with. I felt so disgusted I was almost physically sick. When he got home I told home about what I’d seen and he seemed really sorry, he just kept saying he was stressed and needed an outlet. Now he’s sleeping in the spare room and we’re trying to work it out but he’s betrayed my trust too much. What should I do?

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ANSWER: I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. What a shock it must be. You’ve just experienced a kind of trauma. You’re probably experiencing a lot of emotions right now.

There are many reasons that someone may be unfaithful. It’s not necessarily a reflection of how your partner feels about you or your relationship. Although it can be difficult to understand, even people in what they consider happy relationships can have affairs and cheat.

Know that this isn’t your fault.

I have a hunch that as part of your partner’s stress response, he withdraws and struggles to be intimate. Being with someone he’s paying for sex doesn’t have the same kind of connection and, therefore, vulnerability for him. It may feel easier, though of course, it has extensive ramifications.

He may well want to be in a committed relationship with you, but struggle with aspects of that. This likely stems from what is called his attachment style and the patterns around relationships that he developed early in his life.

It’s understandable that you feel completely unsure about what to do at this stage. Don’t feel like you have to make a decision quickly. Take care of yourself and reach out to your friends, your family if it’s appropriate and a therapist if you have one for support.

Three years is a long time and it sounds like you were planning on spending your life with this man. My sense is that there’s a part of you that still hopes this can work.

You may feel shame about what happened and even shame that you have a desire to try to make it work. That’s a normal feeling in a situation like this.

Though challenging, it is possible to overcome infidelity to once again have a committed, loving relationship.

You’ll need to go through a process of sharing your hurt, understanding what happened and what was going on for him and then rebuilding your relationship.

This takes time and I highly recommend you reach out to a couples therapist to help process what’s happened and help you rebuild trust and connection in a supportive and strategic way.

RELATED: Husband’s brutal response to sex request

The woman feels betrayed after finding the messages. Picture: iStock.

WHY IS MY PARTNER SO DEFENSIVE?

QUESTION: My partner is constantly defensive. I can never tell him what’s bothering me without him getting upset and defending himself. Help!

ANSWER: There are usually two reasons someone is defensive.

1. They received a lot of criticism growing up and are primed to expect it.

2. There is a lot of criticism happening in your relationship.

Firstly, aim to increase positive interactions and build appreciation between you.

Sometimes the words we use convey criticism, even though it’s not our intention to criticise. Try sharing your upsets and telling him what you want using this 3 step framework:

1. Share your emotion.

2. Express your positive needs.

3. Make a clear request.

If he responds defensively anyway, try using a phrase like:

Hey, I can see that really upset you. Can you tell me what you just heard me say?

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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

HOW LONG IS TOO LONG?

QUESTION: This is embarrassing, but here I go. What is a normal amount of time to have sex for? I’ve always tried to last as long as I could because I thought that’s what women wanted, but recently someone asked me if there was something wrong because I hadn’t cum yet and she was getting tired.

ANSWER: This is a great question. In a culture that largely relies on pornography for our sex education, our view of what’s normal or expected can be a little skewed.

The average amount of time a man lasts following penetration is 7 minutes.

Lasting longer during penetration isn’t necessarily what women want (though some women do). Our bodies aren’t designed for prolonged penetration – despite what we see in porn.

It’s often everything leading up to penetration that women enjoy more. Spending at least 20 minutes in foreplay drastically increases a woman’s likelihood of reaching orgasm. Most people I speak to don’t spend nearly enough time in foreplay, so perhaps put more emphasis on that for more satisfaction for both of you.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sex Therapist and Sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.