Relationship Rehab: Sex drought is ruining my life

A distraught husband broached this bedroom topic with his wife of five years, only for her to react in a “frustrated and angry” way.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a distraught husband who hasn’t had sex with his wife in years, a woman questioning her boyfriend’s sexuality and a couple whose employment has changed but the housework has stayed the same.

I HAVEN’T HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE IN THREE YEARS

QUESTION: My wife and I have been married for five years and have not had sex, or any intimacy, for over three years. Before this dry spell, we maybe only had intimacy a handful of times.

Whenever I do try to initiate any passion, I get pushed away. If I try to broach the subject, she gets very frustrated and angry with me.

I love this gorgeous woman with every atom of my being, and I know that she feels the same way, but I feel absolutely unwanted and undesirable in every way.

She’s had some medical issues which may preclude penetrative intercourse, and that’s not necessarily what I need, but to have no physical intimacy at all is starting to affect my sense of self worth. I feel as though I’m not attractive or I’m not desirable. I find myself in tears on an almost daily basis.

She’s my best friend and I don’t want our relationship to sour or end, and I absolutely will not ever betray her trust by cheating on her, but I’m starting to lose hope I’ll ever be intimate with her again.

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ANSWER: I’m sorry to hear you’re experiencing this. It sounds challenging for both you and your wife.

It’s understandable that this is impacting your confidence and happiness.

In her extensive research on shame, vulnerability and intimacy, Brene Brown has found that sexual rejection is a hallmark of masculine shame (and I would add anyone’s shame). Being wanted by their partner is core to men’s self-esteem. As you mention, it isn’t just being wanted sexually. Underneath being wanted sexually by a partner is usually the longing to feel loved, enough and worthy.

In her book Daring Greatly, Brown shares a common perspective held by men, “When you want to be with us … in that way … it makes us feel worthy. We stand a little taller. Believe in ourselves more.”

Your wife likely feels a range of emotions about this also. It’s likely her anger and frustration are covering more difficult emotions. She may be feeling guilt and shame for not being able to meet your needs or feeling like there’s something ‘wrong’ with her. She may be feeling fear about letting you down or experiencing physical discomfort. She’s probably pushing away physical touch and conversations about intimacy because it seems ‘easier’.

RELATED: Husband’s brutal response to sex request

The husband said the experience has left him feeling undesirable. Picture: iStock

When difficult issues arise in a relationship, it’s important to reach understanding – before moving into action.

Communication and understanding each other is what makes a lasting difference to your connection and intimacy.

Although it’s difficult, over 40 years of relationship research shows that being able to talk about challenges is one of the factors that distinguishes successful from unsuccessful relationships.

Here are my suggestions for making this conversation easier:

• See this as a series of conversations, not something you’ll solve all at once.

• Choose times to talk when you’re both relaxed.

• Begin by sharing things you appreciate about your wife and the relationship.

• Share the emotions that you feel around this, but stress that you’re not blaming her or holding her responsible.

• Share what you said above, about penetration intercourse not being what you need, but tell her that you would like to experience feeling close and connected to her physically.

• Try to understand how she feels about this.

If you’re finding it difficult to have this conversation together, I suggest reaching out to a therapist who can help keep the conversation on track, give you tools for saying things in a way that’s less likely to upset each other and to help you reach greater understanding.

I can hear the love and commitment you feel for your wife. I hope you find a way through this together.

Despite him being perfect, she still admits to having doubts about his sexuality. Picture: iStock

HELP! I’M QUESTIONING MY PARTNER’S SEXUALITY

QUESTION: I’ve recently started dating a man who is wonderful. The only thing is … he’s not like any other man I’ve ever been with. He’s soft, kind, funny, caring, sexy and organised. He has a lot of gay friends and to me seems to have some gay-like tendencies. I’m afraid he’ll leave me for a man one day. How can I raise this topic with? Every time I put this to the back of my mind it comes to the front again. I’ve got to speak with him about it and ask him honestly … I just don’t know what to say.

ANSWER: There are some really important issues I want to speak to in this.

Firstly, I suspect your fear of your new man abandoning you has less to do with whether he’s interested in men or women and more to do with your own ingrained fears within a relationship. These would likely find a way to the surface in any relationship you’re in.

I also feel sad that we still have such rigid gender expectations – of both men and women – and that this impacts our perception of sexual orientation. How limiting for us all.

Ultimately, if a relationship doesn’t feel right for us, I think we have to trust that, but I would reflect on your own fears about relationship and abandonment before you make any decisions.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

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HIS WORK HAS CHANGED, BUT I’M STILL DOING MORE HOUSEWORK

QUESTION: My husband recently experienced a change in his employment as a result of COVID-19. I now earn more than him but he still expects so much of me. What should I do?

ANSWER: The division of household tasks or emotional labour in a relationship shouldn’t be dependent on the amount that either of you are earning.

Research has shown that couples who share household tasks have happier relationships and more satisfying sex lives than couples who don’t. Women tend to take on more of the mental load of running a household than men, sometimes completely unconsciously. It’s important that you both feel supported by each other and satisfied by the division of household tasks – whatever that looks like for you.

Sit down with your husband and have a discussion about what you have on your plate and what you need his support with.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sex Therapist and Sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.