Relationship Rehab: Man floored by wife's sex secret

After being “shut down” for years, one husband was shocked to discover the X-rated secret his wife was keeping from him.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a man who discovered his wife has been keeping a sex secret from him, how to explore your fantasies and another worried that too much time with their partner in lockdown has damaged their relationship.

MY PARTNER HAS NO INTEREST IN SEX WITH ME, BUT I KNOW HER SECRET

QUESTION: For years my partner has shut down all my attempts for us having an intimate sex life. Of course she has every right to do so but one of the main excuses she is using is she's not in the mood, stressed and has no desire but yesterday I found her toys, which in my mind is disproving that fact, so now the only assumption I have left is that she has no desire for me. I don't mind the toys and would love to be included but sadly I am left out of the room every night.

And when I attempt to bring up the topic she just gets angry with me and I end up with the silent treatment for days. She just doesn’t want me and nothing I have tried can turn that fact around.

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ANSWER: The stories we tell ourselves are powerful and shape our experience of the world.

Telling yourself a story that your wife “just doesn’t desire you anymore” is narcissistic and simplifies something that is likely to be much more complicated. It doesn’t help you move forward and really just makes you feel bad about yourself. It also subtly places blame on your wife and makes you a victim.

It’s possible that your wife doesn’t desire you anymore, but it’s also possible that there’s a lot more than that going on – for your wife and within the relationship. Given the way you describe things, I suspect there’s much more than a lack of sexual desire going on here.

There are different versions of this story you could tell.

There’s the one you’re currently telling:

My wife has just stopped desiring me and there’s nothing I can do about it.

That makes you feel pretty rubbish and reinforces you as a victim.

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The man was upset when he discovered his partner’s sex toys. Picture: iStock.

Here’s another version:

My wife and I have stopped giving each other what we need in our relationship. We struggle to talk about our issues and work on them as a team.

Do you see the difference here? Our language matters.

This second version also takes into account what you’re not getting – it sounds like your needs for intimacy aren’t being met in this relationship right now. It also places responsibility, and therefore empowerment on both of you.

You have options here.

You can try to talk about this in a constructive way and find solutions together.

You could try bringing this up with your wife in a different way than you have before, (with the steps I described here). You could try sending her an email or letter, which might be less emotive.

Or, if your wife still isn’t willing to talk about this or find solutions with you, then you have the option of making a decision about your relationship.

You’ll get to decide whether you’re willing to continue your relationship as it is, or if you’re ready to leave because it isn’t working for you.

You might not like the choices that you end up with, but you can make a conscious choice and take action for yourself, rather than continuing to see yourself as a helpless victim.

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How should you explore things if you’ve been feeling ‘extra horny’ in lockdown?

HELP! HOW DO I EXPLORE NEW URGES IN SELF-ISOLATION?

QUESTION: I've found myself extra horny since we've been in virus lockdown. How can I explore this new side of me?

ANSWER: How do you want to explore it?

There are many ways that you can explore sexual desire and interest. It’s difficult for me to make exact suggestions without knowing more about your relationship status or your sexual interests. My goal as a therapist is to give individuals and couples the confidence and practical tools to begin exploring themselves rather than for me to be prescriptive about what they try.

Here are some things people enjoy incorporating into their sex lives:

Try BDSM

Share your fantasies with your lover

Learn how to give an incredible penis massage or vulva massage

Try new positions

Learn Tantra

Buy sexy lingerie

Try some new toys

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

HOW DO I GET THINGS BACK TO NORMAL AFTER SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME TOGETHER?

QUESTION: My husband is driving me absolutely crazy since we've been spending so much time together. Now life is getting a bit more back to normal, how can I draw a line under this aggravation and get things back to how they were before?

ANSWER: There are 3 things I suggest here.

1. Make time for yourself. Given we’ve all had so much time in lockdown, having more time just for ourselves is vital. Begin carving out time (and allowing your husband to do the same) where you have time just for you.

2. Find ways to regain the fun, friendship and positivity between you. We’ve all been under a lot of pressure. Although you’ve been spending quantity time together, it hasn’t necessarily been quality time. Look for things that you appreciate about your partner and find ways to have fun together.

3. Give attention to the things that were bothering you. It’s very difficult to just “draw a line” under something and pretend our emotions don’t exist.

What I’ve seen in many of the couples I’ve been working with is that lockdown has brought things to the surface that were already simmering underneath. Are there things you need to talk about? Practical solutions you need to discover together? This is actually an opportunity to address these things so they don’t become an issue later on.