Relationship Rehab: Cruise marks end of couple’s sex life

Around 18 months ago the couple went on a cruise and had “great” sex – but since they’ve returned, there’s a been a problem.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a couple whose sex life unexpectedly ended after returning from a cruise and a wife who spent all of her and her husband’s life savings.

MY WIFE STOPPED HAVING SEX WITH ME 18 MONTHS AGO

QUESTION: I’ve been married for 36 years and all was going fine. In 2018 we went on a cruise and the sex was great and that was it. Nothing for the past 18 months. My wife now has nanna naps every day and doesn’t get to bed until after midnight – a real relationship killer. Last year things got even worse: I had a major operation and now I’m sleeping in the spare room. What can I do to get back to normality?

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ANSWER: Loss of desire and intimacy doesn’t ‘just happen’. Sometimes there’s a defining event that impacts desire, or, more often there are a combination of factors that sees sex decline over time.

I’m wondering why your wife is taking nanna naps throughout the day. Is her mental health OK right now? Is she avoiding going to bed at the same time you do? I’m also wondering why you’re sleeping in the spare room following your operation.

Forget ‘normality’. Our sex lives will change throughout our lives depending on many factors. What’s important is that you address it as a team and find ways to make it enjoyable for both of you – or as enjoyable as it can be given the circumstances you might be in.

The question you really need to be asking is: How do we make this relationship (and our intimate life) work for both of us?

Start with a conversation with your wife. There’s no point me giving you advice to do something that your wife doesn’t want.

Share how you’re currently feeling and what you want in regard to your relationship and intimacy. There are four steps I recommend when doing this:

• Share the positives or the things you appreciate.

• Share your emotion about the current situation.

• State your needs in a positive way.

• Make a request.

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The couple stopped having sex after returning from a cruise 18 months ago, so how can they fix things? Picture: iStock

You might say:

“I really love you and I value our relationship. I feel upset and sad about the loss of intimacy and connection in our relationship lately. I have a need to feel connected to you and to have a sexual relationship. Can we talk together about how we can make this relationship more loving and connected for both of us?”

It might take several conversations to understand each other completely and agree on some action steps you can take.

Try to see yourself as a team taking on this problem together rather than two people fighting to get their own needs met.

HELP! MY WIFE GAVE AWAY OUR LIFE SAVINGS

QUESTION: My wife and I have been married for nearly 20 years now. We’ve always been open about everything with each other, except in the last 12 months she’s been hiding financial matters from me. Several months ago she confessed that she’d given our entire life savings (all of which was my long service leave payment from a previous job) to her family over several months without telling me – I thought the money was sitting in our savings account. We spoke about it and I thought we’d cleared things up. Lately I’ve found that there are a few bills here and there that go unpaid, and the way I find this out is by getting calls from the billers. We have more than enough to pay these bills, but for some reason she keeps hiding these from me until they fall into arrears. When I ask her about them she becomes instantly defensive until we clear things up, only for the cycle to be repeated the next month. How do I approach this?

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

ANSWER: I’m really struggling to believe that this has only been a problem over the last 12 months.

Giving your “entire life savings” away, without consulting you isn’t a small thing. There are some major red flags here around your finances, and the communication and trust between the two of you.

You said, ‘We spoke about it and cleared things up,’ but something like that is a major betrayal, with some alarming underlying issues. It isn’t something that can just be cleared up in a couple of conversations.

Are you 100 per cent sure on where all your money is right now and where it’s going?

I’m surprised also that her family accepted such a large sum of money, without question. That also raises some red flags for me.

I have many questions about what’s going on here.

Hiding finances from your spouse might be a sign of a bigger problem. Picture: iStock

Is your wife intentionally hiding bills from you until they fall into arrears? Or is she struggling to keep up with them? Why is your wife still responsible for paying the bills?

While much of my advice often focuses on encouraging people to have open and honest conversations with their spouse, in this case, I’m not convinced you’re going to get fully honest answers.

There are more than just communication issues going on here. I’m left wondering what the underlying issues are.

Without wanting to jump to conclusions, I’m wondering if there is an addiction problem, underlying mental health issues or if she’s unhappy in the relationship.

Something isn’t adding up.

I’m really concerned about your wife’s mental health and your financial security. I’m afraid you may be heading for a very financially unstable future if you don’t take action.

I suggest you get really clear on your current financial state and speak to both a financial advisor and a couples therapist about what’s going on. At the very least there are some concerning underlying issues that need to be addressed.