Relationship Rehab: Wife reveals why she fakes it in bed

She loves her husband and they used to have a great sex life but that changed seven years ago and now she is desperate for help.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a couple with mismatched sex drives and a husband who love his wife but keeps signing up to dating apps.

WHY YOU SHOULD STOP FAKING IT IN BED

QUESTION: My husband and I have been together for 12 years. In the beginning the sex was great, we are very compatible. However due to some health issues we began having problems in the bedroom — specifically he suffers from Erectile Dysfunction and we have spent seven years going from specialist to specialist with no success.

There is talk of a potential implant but that it still in discussion stages. My problem is that as our sex life has wound down, it’s become a very rigid routine that must be adhered to. First, he likes to make me orgasm, because that arouses him, then I pleasure him. This puts a great deal of pressure on me to be able to orgasm on demand (I’m tricky at the best of times) and when I try to suggest spontaneousness or perhaps giving without receiving he refuses to discuss it.

I have told him that as time goes by I am less and less attracted to him sexually — not who he is as a person, but because our sex life has now become this strict routine.

I still find my husband very attractive and I would love to be able to show him affection the way we used to, however now any physical affection on my part is seen as a green light to sex, and if I say no or not now he becomes withdrawn and sulky.

He refuses to go to counselling, I have suggested a sex therapist rather than couples counselling but I don’t know what else to do. I find myself fantasising about other men and lately I’ve been finding satisfaction in porn, and I hate to admit it, but I fake orgasm when we are together just so things can move along.

My fear is that there is more to the ED than he is telling me, he has other medical conditions and I don’t know how they interact. He seems to have “given up on being a functional man” (his words) and I’m not even 40 – I want a functional sex life. Please help, any suggestion would be welcomed.

ANSWER: I can see why this sexual routine is becoming boring to you.

What I’m hearing is that your husband wants sex – on his terms and whenever he feels like it – but becomes sulky or refuses to participate when you say no or express your desires. I don’t think this is malicious but, is instead, his coping strategy.

You sex life lacks true intimacy and fulfilment right now because you aren’t able to express (or he isn’t able to hear) what you really want.

I suggest that you stop faking your orgasm as a start. It doesn’t serve you or him in the long run. You don’t get what you really want, you miss the opportunity to explore what would bring you both pleasure and he doesn’t get to see your full satisfaction.

Your orgasm shouldn’t be a requirement or a demand. It’s entirely possible to have sex and enjoy it without it ending in an orgasm. I wish more people understood this.

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Faking it in bed is not the answer. Picture: iStock

Understandably, it sounds like your husband is feeling a lot of emotion about his Erectile Dysfunction. For many men, this evokes feelings of shame, failure and fear.

There are so many messages men in our culture receive about sex and masculinity. It’s not uncommon for men to feel ‘less of a man’ when they experience challenges in this area. It sounds like your husband is also feeling despair and hopelessness about it. All of this is likely contributing to his difficulty talking about it.

I agree that seeing someone specifically trained as sexologist or sex therapist would help.

Has he ever seen a sex therapist about ED? A recent study demonstrated that couples who see a sex therapist in addition to using medication for ED have better results and sexual satisfaction than those who don’t.

I once treated a client who, before seeking my advice, had tried many interventions, had an implant and still struggled to have satisfying penetration intercourse before he saw me. This was because the underlying issues of his sexual anxiety and lack of sexual education and tools hadn’t been addressed.

I will say to you what I say to all couples experiencing sexual dysfunction: This is an incredible opportunity for your relationship to become stronger and your sex life to become more satisfying than they ever were.

In addressing this, you’ll learn how to better communicate (in general and about sex), find more creative ways of experiencing pleasure and gain skills around sex and intimacy that most people never do.

Of course, in your case, you need your husband to be on board with this.

Here’s the process I would suggest if you were clients of mine:

* Begin with a thorough assessment of your relationship and understand more about your husband’s condition.

* Have you work on overall connection in your relationship so that you can tackle this, as a team.

* Get tools for discussing this together. Right now neither of you are being fully open and honest with each other. Being able to talk more effectively helps you navigate challenges more easily and increases sexual satisfaction.

* Take sex off the table for a while, so you can start afresh and learn different ways to experience pleasure together.

* Start with non-sexual touch that feels good to both of you – and learn ways to communicate together about what you want.

* Try some fun, playful activities that help you experience intimacy and pleasure together without the ‘pressure’ of sex and orgasm. This helps you widen your repertoire and increases pleasure for both of you.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

I LOVE MY WIFE SO WHY DO I KEEP GOING ON DATING SITES?

QUESTION: I’ve read the question and answer on the woman who cheated, and I feel I’m in a similar situation but haven’t cheated yet. My wife and I have been married for a long time and she is super. Sex is regular and enjoyable for us both. But I find myself looking on dating sites and apps every couple of months. I go through the motion of setting up accounts and see what comes about, nothing ever has, and then I wake up to myself and delete those accounts after a couple of weeks. I can’t understand why I keep going back to these sites and apps over and over when I have everything I need in my wife.

ANSWER: Infidelity isn’t about having everything you need in your relationship or not. This isn’t necessarily a reflection of your love for your partner or a measure of you getting what you need in the relationship.

Yes, there are reasons people cheat that have to do with the relationship, loneliness, lack of desire, disconnection. But in her substantial research and experience as a therapist Ester Perel found that even people in happy relationships cheat.

Perel has found that people who stray are often looking to connect to different or lost parts of themselves.

Are there longings in you that aren’t fulfilled? Is there a lost or missing part of you that you might (unconsciously) be wanting to connect with?

I hear you say that sex is ‘regular and enjoyable’ but I wonder about passion, desire and aliveness.

It may also be helpful for you to explore your relationship history and attachment style as that can often provide an insight into our behaviours in our current relationships.

Humans actually don’t have a great track record when it comes to monogamy and some social researchers have suggested that we didn’t actually evolve to be monogamous – yet we tend to judge it harshly. Your behaviour here offers you an opportunity to gain deeper insight into yourself.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]